Quest

[UnderDawg]

Tossed to the wind and thrown
Down into the pits
And left to starve in a hole

Black shadows that move
Screaming wraiths and
Echoing lies bounce among these walls

The truth escapes this prison and
All who wish to hear
No insight in this dreadful place

I carve my name along the partition
Etch it in my own veiled blood and
Hope that someone will remember these words

Do not let the fools destroy the wise
For they are many in number and always mutinous
Against those that hold knowledge best kept secret

My quest for virtue lead me here
But must I blame myself for a deceiver’s ignorance
Or may I rest knowing true my expedition was not folly

And here, here I rest for all my days
In a dark hole with fabrications and deceit
To remain for the next wise man to be tossed by fools

[morrissey]

This is a very good song, I liked it alot.

I carve my name along the partition
Etch it in my own veiled blood and
Hope that someone will remember these words
Especially this part... awesome stuff.

Can't offer anything to change it, make it better etc., it looks good as it is.

Overall 8.5/10

[UnderDawg]

Thanks. Lately I've been writing from things that are on my mind, and that seems to help the ability to paint a picture with words a lot easier.

Any others?

[Sloth]

yeah dude.. this is pretty good..
Black shadows that move
Screaming wraiths and
Echoing lies bounce among these walls this is the only part I can complain against.. This is just too Lord of the Rings

other than that... you're good

[UnderDawg]

Lol but I love LoTR!! Actually I'm more of a The Inferno type of guy myself...but ahem, thanks for the crit.

Any others?

[Permanent Solution]

I am tired now, and I dun wanna drop the quality of my response, so I will look at it tomorrow :)

[UnderDawg]

Any others?

[UnderDawg]

Anyone?

[Burningwater]

Nice, it painted a picture in my mind almost perfectly. It didn't twist around my emotions, but thats okay, you had very good imagery. I got a good message out of somewhat dark lyrics, which is kinda paradoxial...I like it. I can't find anything I didn't like so...
8/10

[UnderDawg]

Thanks man, I'll crit yours soon as I get some time.

Do you think I should reveal the meaning that I originally write it for?

[Burningwater]

Sure, I think it's about honesty, but knowing the meaning before hand helps bring out the strength in your work.

[UnderDawg]

I like your interpretation. But what I wrote it for was, it's kinda about a wise man's journey through life, how he is tossed into a "hole" by the fools and shunned by society. It really kinda came from what I was feeling like while I was writing it, like I had been shoved into a hole.

[UnderDawg]

Another?

[Permanent Solution]

Tossed to the wind and thrown
Down into the pits
And left to starve in a hole
---All the 'and's make this seem really run-on. I didn't really like the way it was phrased though the concepts were alright.

Black shadows that move
Screaming wraiths and
Echoing lies bounce among these walls
---Better. Wraiths=nice. Echoing is a bit overused, at least on this forum. Well, really, that whole last line's image.

The truth escapes this prison and
All who wish to hear
No insight in this dreadful place
---The 2-3 transition makes no sense, that 1/2 section is an incomplete thought. That really throws me off, I think you forgot a word.

I carve my name along the partition
Etch it in my own veiled blood and
Hope that someone will remember these words
---I like all of that except the whole blood imagery, blood is so overused in all sorts of literature, and especially songs. Other than that though, this is easily my favorite section.

Do not let the fools destroy the wise
For they are many in number and always mutinous
Against those that hold knowledge best kept secret
---Don't would flow better in line 1 imo. I had to read that last lie a few times to get the meaning, but it is good, I don't know why I was missing it. This is good too.

My quest for virtue lead me here
But must I blame myself for a deceiver’s ignorance
Or may I rest knowing true my expedition was not folly
---Should it be 'led' not 'lead'? 'knowing true my expedition was not folly' is pretty akwardly phrased and loses meaning by being that way.

And here, here I rest for all my days
In a dark hole with fabrications and deceit
To remain for the next wise man to be tossed by fools
---Nice diction in line 2. Good ending, wraps it up well and gets across the final meaning more clearly than anything else.

You have a lot of phrasing problems imo. A lot of it seems like you were trying to be artsy, but lose the meaning by shifting around the structure and syntax. You have a number of things set up to go well, but in the end it comes off as a weaker piece to me.