My First...

[hdrobot_mdp]

Beware, this is my first time posting one of my writings, but please, do crit my work and add any suggestions. Thanx.

***Courtesy of the Media***

A heart inside of a human
Is lost among the greed
An absolute lust of an icon
Which, in the end means nothing

I cannot find myself
I am lost in a transition
from person, to thing
I am nothing more than pure machine

Couldn't see the light
even if there was any
Blinded by the distortion
courtesy of the media

In the end there will be nothing left
nothing more than corruption and hate
So know thy self
for in the end, you're all you've got.

*******************************

Thanks for reading my work, please, crit would be greatly appreciated.

-HDRobot_MDP

[espf-250htd06]

not good but but decent for your first song on here, to short, a little blunt (punkish), idk an over used topic which hurts it

I cannot find myself
I am lost in a transition

In the end there will be nothing left
nothing more than corruption and hate
So know thy self
for in the end, you're all you've got.

all those lines were to cliche u gota go deeper needs more complex sturucture
and better wording

5/10 good start though keep going alot better than my first one
check out my song past desires tell me what you think

[hdrobot_mdp]

Thanx for the reply, I really should say that these aren't lyrics for a song.

[session9]

I don't think short lyrics automatically denotes "punk", I mean look at Alice In Chains - some of their songs weren't exactly verbose, but the delivery was long and drawn-out, which made for a totally different mood than a "punk" delivery might have had.

I agree that this one needs work, but as it touches on the same subject I like to work with sometimes (media-created apathy), it's hard for me to offer a balanced critique without making it into something in my own style.

I liked the last two lines, and the first verse was okay too. The second and third verses smack a bit much of the victim mentality for me, because I always prefer a straight-out defiant "**** you" to a "woe is me" when writing about stuff like that in the first person (as long as there's a defined target for the defiance, that is). Other than that, there's not much I can say, sorry.

[Steerpike]

Well, this was good for a first time. There's definately potential in there, but you need to punch it up just a little bit. The mental imagery it conjures up seems to be struggling to get through, so a few metaphors or images could really enhance the feeling. But then, I favor a cinematic writing style, so... to use or not to use.

Mostly, it just came across a little weak, but there was obviously the potential to do more. Keep working with this. I'd like to see what you can do with it.

[hdrobot_mdp]

Thank you Steerpike, thank all of you who have put in their 2 cents.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

A heart inside of a human
Is lost among the greed
An absolute lust of an icon
Which, in the end means nothing

I cannot find myself
I am lost in a transition
from person, to thing
I am nothing more than pure machine

--i think, maybe what you could do to connect these 2 stanzas a bit more, would be to have some references to metal, or losing humanity in the first stanza, which would better tie it into your humans/machines theme here (which is a pretty common metal theme). other than that, you could use a bit more descriptive imagery here, but if you want to go for bluntness, that would be fine also. keep in mind since this is your first song (or post, if youve already written a few) you are still developing your style, so just keep writing until you find something you are comfortable with.

Couldn't see the light
even if there was any
Blinded by the distortion
courtesy of the media

--i understand the how the title fits in now, but im not really sure what the connect to humans/machines the media has, it seemed kind of just thrown in there. the light reference is pretty overdone, but you do a good job at tieing it into your 3rd line. you might want to try and change it at least a little though.

In the end there will be nothing left
nothing more than corruption and hate
So know thy self
for in the end, you're all you've got.

--the first 3 lines seemed a little preachy to me, and it sort of breaks the flow of your song, maybe try and do something to tie it into the media or the machine concept you had in the 2nd stanza. the last line was good though, and i thought it ended the song well.

this was a good attempt at a first song, and i think you have some potential to be a very clearcut type of writer. i see the metal/hardcore influences, but for only one song its hard to tell. keep writing.

6/10

crit The Shelter if you would, thanks :)