First song on here, i will comment back if you comment.

[Elfy]

I'm discussing turning this into a actual song with a few talented friends of mine, could even make a band out of it, not sure; so i'd like to know if this is good enough really, it will be sung in a bit of a tool way, with a similar beat, well so i picture it.

Well please be harsh, i'm not one to say your wrong and get defensive, though i will explain myself if i find you've made a awkard point :).


Lifes Walk
Sean 31/10/2004

This faded book is like a etch of time,
From the tear stains,
To the blue ink of my aching mind,
I realize my peace,
I shall never find.

Chorus:
Collapse and self-repair,
From the burning edges of despair.
Self-destruct and complete yourself,
Into the burning fires of the world to come.

From my past, and writings of relief;
I find myself beneath,
Behind the trap of self remorse,
I will only come through this,
With force.

Find me a tears worth,
I’ll work out my life’s problems,
From the hot blade of pain,
To the tears which will remain.
I come back to the same end,
My own bane.

Chorus

I come back to the book,
Of where my life task I undertook,
To find myself someone,
Anyone, to come through this with me.
From my lonely grasp I’ll take,
Every mistake I could make.
For just once chance,
To live just once.

The dreams where I’m lonely,
Become the real,
And the dreams of happiness,
Is the illusion, for evermore.

My heart will carry on walking,
Where my feet can’t follow,
And I’ll carry on finding,
That my life is hollow.

[HelloImDistance]

Lifes Walk
Sean 31/10/2004

This faded book is like a etch of time,
From the tear stains,
To the blue ink of my aching mind,
I realize my peace,
I shall never find.

I really like this nice intro, don't really have anything to add or change in there. I love the imagery, wish I could write like this :upset:

Chorus:
Collapse and self-repair,
From the burning edges of despair.
Self-destruct and complete yourself,
Into the burning fires of the world to come.

I love this here, very nice chorus

From my past, and writings of relief;
I find myself beneath,
Behind the trap of self remorse,
I will only come through this,
With force.

This part is okay, nothing really jumps out here, nothing that I can really say thats bad or anything

Find me a tears worth,
I’ll work out my life’s problems,
From the hot blade of pain,
To the tears which will remain.
I come back to the same end,
My own bane.

This part is kind of odd to me, I think its the way it rhymes pain, remain, same, bane. I don't really like this part kind of odd rhyming pattern. Seems to not flow like the rest of the song.

Chorus

I come back to the book,
Of where my life task I undertook,
To find myself someone,
Anyone, to come through this with me.
From my lonely grasp I’ll take,
Every mistake I could make.
For just once chance,
To live just once.

I love this part, it has good flow

The dreams where I’m lonely,
Become the real,
And the dreams of happiness,
Is the illusion, for evermore.

This part is ok, I don't really like the word evermore though, but thats just me :cool:

My heart will carry on walking,
Where my feet can’t follow,
And I’ll carry on finding,
That my life is hollow.

Nice strong ending



I really love the flow of this song, the only part I would change is:

Find me a tears worth,
I’ll work out my life’s problems,
From the hot blade of pain,
To the tears which will remain.
I come back to the same end,
My own bane.

It just doesn't seem to flow like the rest of the song, but nice work 9/10 :thumb:

If you can please check out my song "Remembering" and please be honest :)

[Elfy]

I really love the flow of this song, the only part I would change is:

Find me a tears worth,
I’ll work out my life’s problems,
From the hot blade of pain,
To the tears which will remain.
I come back to the same end,
My own bane.

It just doesn't seem to flow like the rest of the song, but nice work 9/10 :thumb:

If you can please check out my song "Remembering" and please be honest :)

I'm of similar opinion, and the evermore thing too actually; i'll do a re-work of it soon and i'll edit in the results, possibly not tonight however.

Thanks alot :), i'm still welcome to any more suggestions people.

[Steerpike]

Really good imagery. For some reason, I didn't find the chorus as interesting as the verses, but what do I know?

I suppose the best thing I can say is that this is the kind of song that caused me to visit this forum less frequently. When a song has a mood like this, and is written really well, it sticks with me and ends up haunting me throughout the day. I actually had to put together a playlist of the most upbeat metal songs I have in order to offset lyrics that do that to me. So you van rest assured that the emotional impact of the lyrics is very effective.

If you can do me a favor and check out one of my works I'd appreciate it.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=258714
It's short as hell, since it's part of a series and there wasn't much to tell in that particular song. At the very least, it won't take long to critique.

[Elfy]

Really good imagery. For some reason, I didn't find the chorus as interesting as the verses, but what do I know?

I do see what you mean, though i'm not so sure how to make it more intresting, as a whole it's meant to set apart from the song, hmm

I suppose the best thing I can say is that this is the kind of song that caused me to visit this forum less frequently. When a song has a mood like this, and is written really well, it sticks with me and ends up haunting me throughout the day. I actually had to put together a playlist of the most upbeat metal songs I have in order to offset lyrics that do that to me. So you van rest assured that the emotional impact of the lyrics is very effective.

Thanks alot, it means alot to me, as it is something close to my heart

.

Lol stupid qoute wont let me post unless i write 'atleast 3 characters :|'

[espf-250htd06]

awesome for u first song dude, flow is awkward would have to hear it sung but think it could be improved, this is a first edit i presume i think if you went over it and really concentrated it could be made better good wrighting for the most part, Behind the trap of self remorse,I will only come through this,With force. didnt really like that line it didnt fit but anyway good, awesome if this is your first song 7.5/10 check out my song past desires