It Flies

[Deathapalooza04]

Comments?


***************************

I wake up and realize
that life is going bye-bye
by the minute

reality checks me
and I check the time
as it departs

the suffocating feeling
sets in and I get up
and out of my mind

bright sunlight shines
as the engine whines
a light crisp breeze
flowing through trees

driving fast
forget the past
the future is now
and now it's gone

beats in my head
right foot is like lead
at the edge of life
like the blade of a knife

sweaty fingers
grasp the wheel
maintain control
of flying steel

driving fast
can't come in last
the future is now
and now it's gone

as the time slips
through my fingers
like glass sand
it shines and lingers
momentarily suspended
before it is ended

[Deathapalooza04]

Bump

[Deathapalooza04]

come on, gimme a sentence, a word, anything.

[Sloth]

going bye-bye
by the minute whoa, that's crazy!


driving fast
forget the past
the future is now
and now it's gone My favorite part

Overall.. .. dude, this is ****in awesome!
I wouldn't change a thing..
props!

[session9]

That "like the blade of a knife" line is so hack. The bit about the breeze and the trees sounds like a folk song, and takes away from the urgent tone of the car metaphor, which I like...even if it is about as original as a black comedian doing a "nerdy white guy" voice in their act.

With a few rewritten lines and a bit more thought applied, it could be rescuable.

[hannah]

the only bit i don't like is the breeze bit....doesn't seem to fit but the rest is good

at first i thought the 'going bye bye, by the minute' bit was a bit odd, but if you say it outloud or sing it its sounds **** cool! lyric-wise i usually enjoy more emotional songs but i really like the feeling of this song. is it a song? either way its good but if it is a song i think how you deliver it would have quite a big impact. but yeah overall i think its pretty good. personally cos of the kind of music and writing i am in to, i would give it a 6.5.... but based on quality of writing (which it should be) i would say at least an 8.

[i am the robots]

i like it much... but the rhyme scheme doesn't pick up for a while and when it does it seems generic... 9/10.

[Deathapalooza04]

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

I like parts of it myself, but there are parts (mostly in the middle) that I don't like.

I'm gonna let it lay for a bit and try to think up something to "fill the void" and if that fails I'll just strip it down to it's bones and see how it looks.