Dear You

[metaliq]

___|Dear You

Dear you, I often thought thoughts I thought you knew. There was a day when the sun came when the dew was nearly new, and the blanket was damp, but the sun's light drew my eyes from you. Only as poetry revolves around topics which evolve into sections upon sections of dissections of our new attempts to resolve questions lingering in my ear from those red lips with the slight dip in the middle where it makes your face symmetric, and our intellect always prevented subjects from spawning where most deep pauses allotted out time for our thoughts to submerse. But what is worse seems to be that the time allowed for me to converse has turned into a rant or shall I say a verse? Either way, its not your turn.

Edit: put one of these line thingys that look like this in: '

[Merkaba]

I love it. Good prose style. I write poetry in prose alot of times. Good to see it here. to shed some different light.


"to resolve questions lingering in my ear from those red lips with the slight dip in the middle where it makes your face symmetric" - You pay attention to the body like I do.


I love rhyming and wordplay. Good job dude.

[metaliq]

Thanks Merkaba. :)

Any more? If you crit i'll crit, but the other way around doesnt seem to be working recently... And I will love you, in a completely non-sexual way. I promise.

[session9]

These are song lyrics? I'd like to know the time signature of the song that goes with them! Anyway, it's not really a style I'm familiar with...so I can't offer any constructive criticism because I wouldn't know where to begin. Sorry. Kind of cool though.

[metaliq]

I think that it is more on the lines on poetry... unless I add it to music later :).

[hdrobot_mdp]

Man, everytime,something new and original. Nothing ever the same. I've never seen creativity like yours. Now, I see why you got a poem published. My fav would have to be the end "Either way, It's not your turn"

[mshort813]

i loved this. something about it i just loved. seems more poetic to me, i don't know if you could work it in a song. the whole thing was really just awesome but my favorite line would probably be:

"our new attempts to resolve questions lingering in my ear from those red lips with the slight dip in the middle where it makes your face symmetric"

and the last line was really good. sorry I can't do a constructive crit because i would normally break it down. but there's no stanzas in this or anything.
really great job with this metaliq. 9.5/10

Oh, and congrats on getting published. :thumb:

[Disco Dragon]

Metaliq, this is quite honestly one of the best things I have ever read...from anybody. I don't just mean on these forums either. I seriously think, after reading this, that you have a truly gifted sense of writing. The way you manipulate words into the structure of this piece is awe-inspiring. I have never seen such a fantastic use of internal rhyming and alliteration in my life! I really cannot say anything bad about it.

Goddamn man! You are my idol!

[Linsey]

i love the style, and most of the way through i like it.. until it gets to the end. the "shall i say.." bit throws it off. i know you've used it so you can get the rhyme in, but i think the rhyme could be scarificed here.

other than that, i ~really~ like it :)

[metaliq]

Wow, thanks for the crits. Ill get around to trying to find some of your guys' stuff to crit, but for a guranteed and quick critique, I would suggest posting a link.

And thanks Disco, that made my day :).

More crits are welcome, I will try and return and can gurantee one if you chose to leave a link. Thanks. :wave:

[metaliq]

This is a plea for friendship.

Or a crit. After I think about it, I would rather have a crit...

[CrashingDown213]

Wow this was excellent..
A very original ryhme scheme and a very deep meaning..
The imagery was also amazing..
Some of the lines even put me in awe, for example, these lines were amazing
Only as poetry revolves around topics which evolve into sections upon sections of dissections of our new attempts to resolve questions lingering in my ear from those red lips with the slight dip in the middle where it makes your face symmetric
The entire thing was very very well written and I think should just be kept as a poem, I wouldn't bother trying to make a song out of something such as this.
Very nice work.
Please crit my song Forget About Yesteryear

[xKONRADx]

**** you. all you get is good crits. why dont you start writing crappy stuff? anyway i guess i have to tell you the same thing everyone else told you, which is that it kicks. i think it would be good spoken over music. cool style, dont really know what the message is, but the one thing i noticed is that i really didnt like the ending. it turned something that, for me at least, could have had significant meaning, and basically said that its a bunch of random thoughts strewn together by a bind guy. anyway crit me or die.
/puffy

[RollerQueen]

I told you about the "suns" snag. Onto business...

The "dew" rhyming is simplistic. You can do better than that. As is common with my criticism of such things, that part cheapens the piece. You should also put a comma between "came" and "when" as to be more coherent and less rambling. Also, the line that everyone is in love with, "Only as poetry revolves around topics which evolve into sections upon sections of dissections of our new attempts to resolve questions lingering in my ear from those red lips with the slight dip in the middle where it makes your face symmetric," is a sentence fragment, disjointed further by the second half doing nothing to service the words' absolution. As usual, I love your flow. That is part of what makes the aforementioned line so tricky to point out as erroneous (the other part being its winding structure and subject matter).

You have a great deal of potential and the ambition to make it work. What you need is competition and professional criticism to reach that potential, something that seems to be scarce once you've made such a name for yourself. I admire your ability to construct a logical and natural flow and the liveliness of what you write. If I could provide one integral piece of advice it is to work on content. You have the style down pat. All you need is the double-team.

[clichealais]

Hmm.. nice message, it also flowed quite well with a rather unique rhyme scheme. Nice job