Succubus

[donotruninfrontofcars]

Hey...I'm new here...don't really know anyone who might critique my songs. Thanks guys, in advance.
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You think it's great its all in fun
It's all a game until hes there
Wrap them up and throw them down
But that's not all you do...

**** with their heads
Screw with their minds
Try to make it so they'll never leave you

**** with their plans
**** with their lives
But you'll never trick them twice.

Satan lurks there in your smile
I see them there all stuck in time
Captured there in just one glance
Forever maybe trapped by lies

You can't pretend that it's ok
We're not all fooled anymore...
A succubus with Satan's smile
You can only keep them for a while.
It's not okay to **** with people this way!

****ed their heads
****ed their minds
But you'll never trick them twice.

****ed with my head
I lost my mind
But you'll never trick me twice.

[Jezen]

Well it was ok but I didn't find any real meaning behind it. I was going to write a song about a succubus but more in a sense that this girl is a temptress and when you fall for her, she crushes your soul. Like she will suck you in to her pitfall, bury you, and walk away and laugh.
But anyway it sounded to me more like you were really talking about succubuses. Also there was alot of repetition and needless swearing. 4.5/10 . Keep writing though :D

[donotruninfrontofcars]

Thanks I guess...anyone else?

[donotruninfrontofcars]

Well...I edited it a bit...maybe it's a bit better now.

You think it's great its all in fun
It's all a game until hes there
Wrap them up and throw them down
But that's not all that you do...

**** with their heads
Screw with their minds
Try to make it so they'll never leave you

**** with their plans
**** with their lives
But you'll never trick them twice.

Satan lurks there in your smile
I see them there all stuck in time
Captured there in just one glance
Forever maybe trapped by lies

The spell you cast, it can be broken
Lies of Beauty stripped right down
Reaper of the human heart
Breaking hearts and warping minds

You can't pretend that it's ok
We're not all fooled anymore...
A succubus with Satan's smile
You can only keep them for a while.
It's not okay to **** with people this way!

****ed their heads
****ed their minds
But you'll never trick them twice.

****ed with my head
I lost my mind
But you'll never trick me twice.

[Jezen]

The spell you cast, it can be broken
Lies of Beauty stripped right down
Reaper of the human heart
Breaking hearts and warping minds

That honestly improved the piece by 110%