past desires (needs crits and work help me out)

[espf-250htd06]

Servitude to my self
Punishable by eternal death
Why the desire
I ruin my life
my self I cant control
this beast I created
the challenge I haven’t handled
I fight my self no more

The last day of reckoning
The last day of madness
My heart, my brain deceives
the image of you burns me from inside out

Second nature
Impulses from within
Instinct you’ve born me with
To keep the world the same
To keep this world sane
praxis equals sanity

Lord I accept the challenge
And I now put away the past
Ghost of what use to taunt me
Well forever haunt me
Only after the bells
Will I relinquish
Past desires










about how we all let desire rule us and how we let desire controll us i think its a diffrent topic and not to bad of a song but second edit tell me what you think now

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

ill pick out some stuff i thought could need fixing, because this wasnt a bad piece. :thumb:

the "inner me" lines really threw me off... probably because it broke the flow and didnt make much sense, i knew what you were trying to get it, but it came across as poorly written. something like "the inner me" would clear that up A LOT, i mean just with that word.

actually thats probably it, a few of the wordings were sketchy, but i think it makes this song very abstract, and i like that.

8/10

[espf-250htd06]

thanks for the crit yea the inner me was forced a little ill work on it cya lata

[Jezen]

Servitude to my self
Punishably by eternal death
Why the desire
Inner me ruins my life
Inner me I cant control
This inner me you created
the challenge I haven’t handled
I fight my self no more

I totally agree with APS, you need to change it to 'The inner me'. Some of the grammar was wrong like the word 'punishably'. Maybe that was a typo. Supposed to be 'punishable'. The line 'Why the desire' was abit out of flow but I still liked it. If you are putting this to music then maybe you would eccentuate that line or scream it or something.

The last day of reckoning
The last day of this madness
My heart my brain deceives
Eyes burn me from inside out

Nice wording in this stanza but the last line didn't seem to be in the same context as the others.

Second nature
Impulses from within
Instinct you’ve born me with
To keep the world the same
To keep this world sane
I can see it but I’m blinded

Ok I liked this better than the first verse but the third line is completely incorrect, so you need to re-state that line. The first two lines were good, and I really did like the fourth and fifth lines, they really went together well. The last line was ok but it heavily reminded me of a song by Korn called 'Blind'. "....I can see; I can see i'm going blind..."

Lord I accept the challenge
And I now put away the past
Ghost of what use to taunt me
Well forever haunt me
Only after the bells
Will I relinquish
Past desires

LoL probably the most religously orientated stanza, e.g; lord, ghost, bells. But still a nice verse. The last line was the best part of it though, I really felt power in it because it is also the song title.

Overall, nice song. Some typos and bad grammar, but the mistakes are'nt very deeply planted into the song so they are easily fixable. How many songs have you written??? Don't stop writing. Never stop writing. I would give this piece 7/10. It is rather well put, it doesn't rhyme (which might make it harder to sing to when you put this to music, but if it doesn't rhyme but it sounds good, you will more respected), and as you said, nobody has really touched on this topic. Which is good because it leaves you with a fresher feeling, instead of oh no another bloody love song. Well done man good job. :thumb:

-British Boy

[FunknPunk]

I agree with everyone who's said so far; a THE before "inner me" would be better.

Servitude to my self
Punishably by eternal death
Why the desire <- How about: "why this (insert adj. here) desire?"
Inner me ruins my life
Inner me I cant control
This inner me you created
the challenge I haven’t handled
I fight my self no more

I'd say.... 7/10. It's a pretty good song, I like the against the norm feel.

[mshort813]

a lot of stuff that needed to be said has been said already, but ill add something where i need to. overall, it wasn't a bad piece, just some things seemed to be out of place and kind of confused me.
Servitude to my self
Punishably by eternal death
Why the desire
Inner me ruins my life
Inner me I cant control
This inner me you created
the challenge I haven’t handled
I fight my self no more
"myself" is one word I'm pretty sure. Someone correct me if I am wrong. I dont know what you meant by punishably. Punishable? that would make sense. As said before, the "inner me" lines seemed out of place. Oh, and someone before said that there should be an adjective before desire, which I think would work nicely and keep the flow you have.
The last day of reckoning
The last day of this madness
My heart my brain deceives
Eyes burn me from inside out
I think the second line should be changed to "The last day of madness." It flows better like that. Is the third line supposed to be read as "My heart[comma]my brain." It reads better like that and the flow would work better. The last line worked good with the flow and the content was good.
Second nature
Impulses from within
Instinct you’ve born me with
To keep the world the same
To keep this world sane
I can see it but I’m blinded
I liked the flow in the first two lines. The third line totally threw me. Maybe I've just never heard "born me with" used before, but it really threw me off. Maybe in the fifth line should be "To keep the world sane" It doesn't matter, it's obviously your call. The last line worked good.
Lord I accept the challenge
And I now put away the past
Ghost of what use to taunt me
Well forever haunt me
Only after the bells
Will I relinquish
Past desires
I don't have much to say about this.

good job. not anything too amazing lyrically but it was good. 7/10

[espf-250htd06]

lol 3 7/10 not to badd i guess not my best but i like this one because its diffrent, i agree with yal on almost all your points and iam going to edit it soon. thanks for the crits cya

[espf-250htd06]

theres the second edit what do u think

[session9]

Well, the stuff about "distinctive clones" smacks of teenage manufactured angst (irony abounds), and the uncontrollable demon inside stuff...well I can't really comment on that, since I wrote stuff like it when I had zits and unfamiliar hair growing in certain places too.

Overall, though, it's reasonably well-constructed, and displays some imagery that works. I wouldn't personally want to listen to it, probably, but I can see a market.

[espf-250htd06]

lol
ok thanks i guess i didnt really like that line but idk ill work on it cya lata thanks for the crit

[i am the robots]

8/10

[session9]

That's okay, you can count on me to be honest in my opnions here. I'm not going to start posting "great!" for every new song I see like some kind of Pavlov's Posting Dog. I will try and accentuate the positive, though.

[espf-250htd06]

i wasnt compliaing about what u said i meant i dont really like the line in the song but i was idk kinda stuck on that

[mshort813]

8/10

terrible post. post something contructive Eleventeen.

[session9]

i wasnt compliaing about what i said i meant i dont really like the line in the song but i was idk kinda stuck on that
I know that, I was just making my position on this stuff clear.

[espf-250htd06]

lol hes too cool for that you should read some of his posts no offense but why not tell me what you think of the song anyway any more crits

[session9]

And I quote:

Well, the stuff about "distinctive clones" smacks of teenage manufactured angst (irony abounds), and the uncontrollable demon inside stuff...well I can't really comment on that, since I wrote stuff like it when I had zits and unfamiliar hair growing in certain places too.

Overall, though, it's reasonably well-constructed, and displays some imagery that works. I wouldn't personally want to listen to it, probably, but I can see a market.

See? I already did. And in addition, I'll say one more thing: It's difficult to understand your earlier criticisms regarding unoriginality when this song is a fine example of it. I mean, does the old saying about glass houses and stones ring a bell?

Anyway, I'd like to see this guy get some help with his song.

[espf-250htd06]

this song is unoriginal? i dont get excatly what u saying sorry

[espf-250htd06]

and iam 16 all my hair has been familar for a few years now

[session9]

I'm not going to continue this conversation, because it's not worth having, and because you'll only fill your own song thread up even more with what is basically a pointless exchange. C-ya.

[espf-250htd06]

lol iight, i gota do somthing lol no bodys critting me anymore

[Jezen]

I mean, does the old saying about glass houses and stones ring a bell?

That is really good inspiration. Thank you.

[espf-250htd06]

bump give me somthing

[CrashingDown213]

The first stanza was kind of a disappointment compared to the rest of the song.
The second was a big improvement from the verse in structure and flow.
The third stanza was definetly my favorite in the entire piece. Especially these two lines :
To keep the world the same
To keep this world sane
I also thought you ended the song pretty well, which can sometimes be hard to do.
You've had better, but this is still good work, keep writing.

[espf-250htd06]

bump

[IOWNU200]

ok lets start

Servitude to my self
Punishable by eternal death
Why the desire
I ruin my life
my self I cant control
this beast I created
the challenge I haven’t handled
I fight my self no more

alright, good start, the flows seems a little eh, at times but obviously the way it's sung could make that a non-factor, i do not know. you make good points though


The last day of reckoning
The last day of madness
My heart, my brain deceives
the image of you burns me from inside out

The first 3 lines are good, but i'm not a big fan of the last, you burn me from inside out is kind of weird.

Second nature
Impulses from within
Instinct you’ve born me with
To keep the world the same
To keep this world sane
praxis equals sanity

Wonderful, this is my favorite stanza so far. (Claps) nice work

Lord I accept the challenge
And I now put away the past
Ghost of what use to taunt me
Well forever haunt me
Only after the bells
Will I relinquish
Past desires

this is ok, not as good as the last verse but not bad, the third and forth lines are kind of weird to me.

I deffinately relate to what your saying here and it's a good topic, accomponied by some pretty good lyrics. Nice work