My Latest One.....

[Jezen]

Uniform

By Jezen Thomas


Forced into uniformity
Noble elders were prodding me
Neat, trimmed and tidy

Walking in a line
Lacking personality
Single file

Rigid suits in regement
A synchronised experiment
Made like the others, i'm just the same
I've got those noble elders to blame

Blinding lack of colour
Spectrum scale of grey
It hides decay

Walking in a line
Lacking personality
Single file

Rigid suits in regement
A synchronised experiment
Made like the others, i'm just the same
I've got those noble elders to blame

You can't win when you are greatly outnumbered and overpowered
You can't win when you are identical to your enemy
It won't work for you or anyone else
How did those elders become noble in the first place?

March. March. March.
The uniform smothers what you have made
March. March. March.
The uniform smothers you until you fade.

Fade Away....

Rigid suits in regement
(Fade Away)
A synchronised experiment
(Fade Away)
Made like the others, i'm just the same
(Fade Away)
My uniform smothers heart-felt pain.

[Deathapalooza04]

It's one of the better songs I've read on this board.

Reminds me of a Pink Floyd song.

The line, "it hides decay" sounds really familiar though.....I can't think of the specific song, but I think i've heard that line before.

[espf-250htd06]

good writing an over used topic but you do good with it and kinda through a diffrent spin on the way most people look at it , kinda like were being brain washed kinda thing i like it its bad 8/10 check out my song PAST DESIRES cya dude

[espf-250htd06]

my 100th post i think i have a party

[Jezen]

^^^
haha yeh I remember my 100th post and I was like yeh w00t!

Well thankyou for giving up your precious time to review my song. :D
I will get round to yours.

[Jezen]

bump.

[Linsey]

ok. i tried to crit this earlier and my computer crashed! so ill try again!

i dont like it.

first of all, the short stanzas do not work. they seem very out of place when compared with the longer ones. i realise that a song/poem needs some variety, but it seems to me that you are hitting two extremes here in one song, and it doesnt work. plus, they ruin what little flow this piece would have.

secondly, the rhyme scheme you have employed here is VERY overused, and, in my opinion, it takes a very good writer to make it work. and you havent done so. i would definately avoid this rhyme scheme, as it can (and does, in your case) sound very forced.

finally, most of the time, i hate songs about uniformity, conformity, individualism, "sticking it to the man" etc. there arent many i actually like... and the ones i do like are about personal experience, not about what conformity does to YOU, or what YOU should do to avoid conforming etc.

for example,

"You can't win when you are greatly outnumbered and overpowered
You can't win when you are identical to your enemy"

i would suggest making this bit more personal... maybe something like "ill never win when im..."
(thats if you want to keep the excessive length of these lines...)

anyway.. all of what ive said here is my own personal opinion, and i dont want you to be disheartened (or hate me! lol). im just offering constructive crits. more than just "i like it" or "its rubbish"

[Steerpike]

Forced into uniformity
Noble elders were prodding me
Neat, trimmed and tidy

Walking in a line
Lacking personality
Single file

Rhyme scheme's killing me here. Though the imagery is nice, it seems a trifle cliche since modern music has been oversaturated with this topic.

Rigid suits in regement
A synchronised experiment
Made like the others, i'm just the same
I've got those noble elders to blame

I really like those first two lines.

The other two I could do without.

Blinding lack of colour
Spectrum scale of grey
It hides decay

Walking in a line
Lacking personality
Single file

This is just more of the same, and really should have been covered in the first verse.

You can't win when you are greatly outnumbered and overpowered
You can't win when you are identical to your enemy
It won't work for you or anyone else
How did those elders become noble in the first place?

I don't know why, but this just didn't work for me. Shrink it down and change things up a bit.

March. March. March.
The uniform smothers what you have made
March. March. March.
The uniform smothers you until you fade.

The transition in flow feels a lot smoother on this one than the stanza above. I'd improve the word choice though. It just sounds too much like the rest of the song.

Fade Away....

Rigid suits in regement
(Fade Away)
A synchronised experiment
(Fade Away)
Made like the others, i'm just the same
(Fade Away)
My uniform smothers heart-felt pain.

Feels kind of Pink Floyd-esque here. Again, it's the last two lines I would work on.

[i am the robots]

8/10... the imagery kicks ***... too bad it's a raped topic... **** necrophiliacs of modern rock won't stop raping the idea's corpse....

check out my new song Cycle