Remembering, Crit me and I'll crit you

[HelloImDistance]

We fall short of grace every time.
Destiny will spill our blood, a single crime.

To my only heartless love, I write these words with blood and ink.
Drown myself in this white wine chased with cyanide.
You burnt the storybook so the ending is unknown.

Remember me tonight before you paint the walls with your blood.
I picked a rose with thorns as lovely as your lies.

On my own I live to hear your broken promises.
Remember me tonight…

[ALittleDevotional]

i like the first 2 lines up until 'a single crime'. im not sure if its the way it comes after the comma (which, btw, if you're gonna put it like that should teeeechnically be a semi-colon...but i guess either works)
1st line of the second section is nice, but nothing that i havent heard before.
the 2nd line reminds me of a title of a song by A Static Lullaby - A Sip Of Wine Chased With Cyanide. great song, great band... anyhoos
i really like the 3rd line, it just stuck out as a great line to me.
the next line holds the 3rd reference to blood. there are only so many times you can get away with something like that in a song and you may be crossing the line here.
the next line is good, i like it.
the endings not bad either.
overall i like it, although thers probably room for work, like pretty much everything. i dont give ratings, so if you really want one, make one up yourself from what ive said.
could you take a look at mine?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=258537

[Elfy]

We fall short of grace every time.
Destiny will spill our blood, a single crime.

I'm of similar opinion to the guy above, 'Single Crime' Just doesn't work for me, it cuts it short, but i can't really see how you can change it though; not without reworking the rest of it

To my only heartless love, I write these words with blood and ink.
Drown myself in this white wine chased with cyanide.
You burnt the storybook so the ending is unknown.

I like this part alot, though you might consider changing 'So the ending is unknown' to 'So our ending is unknown' seems to flow better in my head

Remember me tonight before you paint the walls with your blood.
I picked a rose with thorns as lovely as your lies.

Don't change this, i love it
On my own I live to hear your broken promises.
Remember me tonight…

I would expand the ending for a bit more imagery and then put the final line in, just doesn't end it well for me, though it's just me ofcourse


I'll say 7/10 for this, it's a good piece of work, possibly a bit short for my liking; but as a piece in general it's good.

[HelloImDistance]

Thanks for the crits and if you wanna hear the song you can go to www.purevolume.com/novembersky

Might be a little easier to understand

[HelloImDistance]

Oh, and ALittleDevotional I will crit yours when I get back, as I don't have much time now :)