Seeking Something Sacred(poem, freewrite)

[clichealais]

Just jotted this down a little while ago, tell me what you think.

Seeking Something Sacred

Seeking Something Sacred

Heal my heart it’s completely filled with hatred
My soul is slowly slipping, seeking something sacred
Let me tear down the torture and conceive the blessed beauty
Make me believe this isn’t just reprieve, and it isn’t just your duty

With the touch of a hand on my burning bones
Send a jolt of lightning through my heart of stone
Break the boundaries set by the wicked and the weak
Clear the clouds from the sky, make the beauty less discrete

Today they were to turn any doubts into certainty
Softly touching my shoulder they told me that they loved me
Ignoring their intentions I retaliate with resentment
“Don’t tell me you love me”, I cry,
“I’ve been told this before, dont tell me your lies."

Terribly tattered hatred flowing through my veins
Fall to failure once again, my heart still bares the pain
Still seeking something sacred as I walk away
With questions still unanswered, perhaps another day

[Deathapalooza04]

It's good. I like the first paragraph the best.

[clichealais]

Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated.

[clichealais]

Any more critiques would be greatly appreciated, you critique me and ill give you a full critique in return.

[clichealais]

Anyone?

[IOWNU200]

I was impressed nice work. I kind of got lost though. For example I can't see where you're going with this phrase: "and it isn’t just your duty". I love you're last paragraph thought, it's excellent. It wraps it up nicely and gives you a good overlook almost. Excellent work. If you can crit my song, it should be somewhere on the first page

[metaliq]

I thought it was decent...

A few things I did notice... was that the poem would be much better without the word hatered. Its just one of those words that have been bugging me and reminding me of cliche lines when I hear it. And the last 2 lines in the 2nd to last verse just didnt do it for me... nothing wrong with them, just kinda seemed awkward. Well thats about all I can say, hehe. Check this out if you would be so kind :). http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=259124

[clichealais]

Thank you for the critiques, i will get to your pieces.