Satellite, crit ill crit back

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Ben Stivers
10/31/04

Satellite

Well there's something you need to know.
I'd rather die than be alone.
My pulse would sink beneath a lead blanket of mortality,
Feel my lungs gasp for air and struggle again to breathe.
A single star shoots across sky,
It beats crimson and lights up your eyes.

Your eyes are like daggers as they cut into my soul,
I'd rather die than be left here all alone.
To feel your touch caress the sickness of my wounds,
I would die without you, under this this blood red moon.

Against the blackened night,
As I draw the knife.
Your heart beats close to mine,
I feel it as we die.

How could you, how could you,
You left me here to bleed.
How could you, how could you,
You left me here to bleed.

I feel faint and the room is growing black.
Hit the floor and fade in the dark,
Without you.

[ta'ao]

this is twice in two threads ive seen the word dagger.

leave pining after a woman to reznor.

[mshort813]

this is good. I like some of your other pieces more than I do this one, but this is still great. the first 2 stanzas were awesoem though.
Well there's something you need to know.
I'd rather die than be alone.
My pulse would sink beneath a lead blanket of mortality,
Feel my lungs gasp for air and struggle again to breathe.
A single star shoots across sky,
It beats crimson and lights up your eyes.
the first two lines were okay and then the third and fourth lines were awesome. for some reason, I thought I saw the second line used some place else in lyrics. As I said, the content of the third and fourth lines were awesome, and the last line was really good too. the rhyming for the fifth and sixth lines was really good. (sky, eyes) I think imperfect rhyming is a lot better than perfect rhyming.
Your eyes are like daggers as they cut into my soul,
I'd rather die than be left here all alone.
To feel your touch caress the sickness of my wounds,
I would die without you, under this this blood red moon.
the first line metaphore was good but it may be a little cliche. I don't know, I've just seen that type of metaphore used a lot. the content of the 3rd and 4th lines was good but the rhyming was really good too.
Against the blackened night,
As I draw the knife.
Your heart beats close to mine,
I feel it as we die.
i dont have a lot to say other than that i liked the rhyming again.
How could you, how could you,
You left me here to bleed.
How could you, how could you,
You left me here to bleed.
eh, i guess if it fits with the music it'll sound good. but it sounds just two random lines repeated.
I feel faint and the room is growing black.
Hit the floor and fade in the dark,
Without you.
good ending. it was a great way to wind it down and close this song.

8.5/10

please ta'ao, if youre going to post something, make it constructive. that didnt help him at all.

[ALittleDevotional]

the first verse is good, i like the opening. in the...5th line, is there meant to be a 'the' before 'sky'? that'd just make more sense to me, iuno if thats how you meant it to be though and the 'the' would fvck up your syllable count. but yeah, whether its meant to be there or not, i like the 5th and 6th lines.
yeah the knife/dagger thing is used a lot, but the reason why is because its good. simple as that. and if its used well, it can sound just as good as it deserves to...and i think it works well here.
i like the 3rd line of the 2nd verse.
the next short 4 line bit is nice, i like the imagery of the beating heart.
the next part is nothing amazing, but iuno how it fits with music...it could work. but for me it's the weakest section.
i like the last bit, its a good, solid ending.
overall i like...im not one for giving ratings really cos i dont think it works exceptionally well...its a nice idea but people are bound to rate differently depending on the writer and what mood they're in and whether they personally understand it and like the language etc etc etc
so yeah, il say that i think its good and written well and you can take that and my comments as whatever rating you please.
could you take a look at mine?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=258537

[session9]

specific points - the shooting star line and the one after it seem like a sharp change of focus to me, and made it feel a little disjointed, but I suppose the situation being described is one of nighttime longing, so I suppose it's not that incongruous. The "eyes like daggers" part is a stock phrase, but I use those sometimes too, so I'm not going to criticise it for that.

Overall it reads like something a young person would write, and it's not necessarily something I would enjoy, but it's okay for what it is. Keep on keeping on.

[espf-250htd06]

good take on an old subject the crazyness effect of this story is what drawes me too it, very harsh take on it and really shows how deep **** gets sometimes when it shouldnt have good song well worded no complaints dont get why satelitte is the title but hey its your song 7.8/10 check out my song past desires cya

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

oh the earths satellite is another name for the moon, i just thought it would be an obscure title that might take a little inside knowlege ;)

[Deathapalooza04]

The name has already been done by: Dave Matthews, Natalie Imbruglia, Smashmouth, Pod and probably a few others. Not that it really matters, just thought I'd let you know.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

yeah i knew that when i wrote it, but no one says a song title cant be reused right? :)

[espf-250htd06]

iight cool can u crit my song i need an opion

[session9]

Okay, so the title denotes the moon. The word "star" doesn't immediately say "moon" to me, but that's down to personal interpretation, I suppose..