crit and i'll crit back (PROMISE)

[kerazay]

Okay recently I've been noticing a serious shortage in crits for stuff I've written but a whole lotta views. But if you crit this then I PROMISE I'll crit back right? Thanks in advance... :)

When you were near me
I felt no pain at all
Everytime you left me
I would always fall
My hopeless broken wings
Wouldn't allow me to fly
And you were the angel
Who told me not to crY

You led me to places distant
And blissful, far away
Where I thought you'd never
Ever be led astray
So when you left me dying
Begging you to come home
You turned and left me hopeless
And desperately alone

The hurt was like a river
That suddenly bursts its banks
So then you took off with no haste
And without a word of thanks
For the way that I treated you
Through all times good and bad
You try to make it seem as though
You forget everything we had

But I didn't forget too easily
All the times you broke my heart
It's only now that I have learned
To release and then depart

[TheBlackAcidChildren]

When you were near me
I felt no pain at all
Everytime you left me
I would always fall
This kinda screams Avril Lavigne at me. It's the old "all", "fall" rhyme pattern. I keep using the word "cliché", but only because I keep seeing it. Revise this and it will have a lot more credibility.
My hopeless broken wings
Wouldn't allow me to fly
And you were the angel
Who told me not to cry
The "angel" imagery works well, especially when you extend it to more than one subject in the song. Again, however, "fly" and "cry" isn't as original as it could be.

You led me to places distant
And blissful, far away
Where I thought you'd never
Ever be led astray
Seems a bit weak. The syllables don't form much of a structure if you get what I mean, and the imagery doesn't seem to go anywhere, it's all a bit vague.
So when you left me dying
Begging you to come home
You turned and left me hopeless
And desperately alone
"Alone" and "home" - same vowel sound, but the M in one and the N in the other makes all the difference. Try to work on more than just assonance with your rhyme.

The hurt was like a river
That suddenly bursts its banks
So then you took off with no haste
And without a word of thanks
For the way that I treated you
Through all times good and bad
You try to make it seem as though
You forget everything we had
Another little cliché. Work on those two lines and find some better rhymes.

But I didn't forget too easily
All the times you broke my heart
It's only now that I have learned
To release and then depart
This is actually a reasonable ending. It seems to flow okay.

A few clichés to sort out, but it seems like a piece which could go somewhere.

If you've got the time then look up Mister Big Shot (if you haven't already) and listen to the MP3 on soundclick (the address is in the thread).

[Metal G]

yeah, i like this, in my head i sung it like Black Sabbath's solitude, peacefull n mellow.
not bad.

[Metal G]

just to point out, i dont really agree with TheBlackAcidChildren, sorry.

[session9]

The subject here is fairly well-covered by a lot of great musicians (and some pretty bad ones too), so you'll have to do something pretty special to make it stand out. Lots of oft-used rhyme combinations in there don't make for a great start, and the metaphor isn't used as well as it could be. Overall, it needs some rewriting (other people have already pointed out places that need attention), but I suppose it could turn out well, given some real effort.

[Syncope]

LAzy..

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

omg he has the same name as my title, we must be twins

[Elfy]

In alot of ways there really isn't much wrong with "Cliche" writing; as somebody pointed out thats all Avril lavigne is, yet she does extremly well - it just depends on who your aiming it at.

Just because it's a simple rhyme, it's unfair to say it's bad or should be changed due to it, aslong as it works.