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iridescent
10-31-2004, 02:03 AM
[draft 2]
as he climbs the ladder of so called success, he reaches the pinnacle of his metaphorical meaning
upon reaching the summit of machine made desire,
standing on the top of mount despair, breathless for purpose
looking down from the peak, he views all of his accomplishments
the clouds part way and the crystal blue sky purifies his mind
he sees clearly now how vain it is to be ideal
and how unfulfilling it really is

and so he falls down, into the depths from which he came
mind sorely melting on the inside, eyes worn with greif
blank-faced heartless charade, standing alone
while the world below revolves, and he stands still
a king of incurable tyrants inside
without a comfort to ease him

it feels like forever
but the only thing that never ends
is his feeble attempts to start over, and to keep climbing
always forward and never back
because his past is tattered with false dreams and childhood memories
and the remains of his broken heart

he doesn't know where he is going
because when he tries to fix his troubles
clouds obscure his intentions
and he loses his sight; his passion
it seems as if the clouds are forever concealing the crest
leaving vast open slopes draped in sorrow
..just like his soul

no matter what he does there is nothing he can do to change this,
and his life will always reflect this imminent dissapointment

oh, what has become of him?

..there really is no top of mount despair

iridescent
11-13-2004, 01:34 AM
bump

KCsilvertone
11-13-2004, 09:49 AM
it doesnt rhyme (which doesnt matter, but i appreciate rhyming a lot more than not-rhyming)....other than that it is good, I would say about a 6.5 or 7 out of ten

i appreciate shakespeare less than you, but roethke more

morrissey
11-13-2004, 11:20 PM
wow, this is some big attempt at a song-wide metaphor that goes terribly wrong. It comes of (to me) like you are trying really hard here. Doesn't suit my personal tastes, don't have much more to say