first song i've wrote, please rate!

[Flanagan]

This is the first song I have ever wrote so it probably sucks... but i read a thing in a different thread about how even somthing that "you" think sucks could be good. so please just read it and leave your remarks. please dont laugh.. the songs about how when your old you want to be young but when you young you want the opposite.

grow, play, forget to crave.
let the rain come down in bails.
when its done youve had no fun,
then ya no your late agian.

teachers teach us how to give,
parents teach us how to live,
when at last you realize what your living for,
everyones wasted there time.

look around, choose your path...
read your books and do the math.

-guitar solo-


try to go back but its to late,
you chose the choice a disicion was made.
getting olds always the same,
dont realize till its go late.

[Pao Ferro]

Not too bad, for your first ever song.

I'd give it a solid 6/10.

Just some tips for future songwriting.

Try and write about subject matter that has more depth.

I'm not sure if you did this, but when you can't think of a good bridge, don't just shove a guitar solo in there. A good bridge with good lyrics will beat the crap out of a decent guitar solo.

Have confidence in your writing ability. Asking people not to laugh at your work, means they will begin reading it with a negative attitude towards it already. Be confident in your work, and accept constructive criticism.

Hope that helped. :thumb:

A crit on my latest would be good, if you've got the time. :)
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=258011

[Steerpike]

Not bad for a first attempt.

This is going to sound really irritating, but just clean up a few spelling and grammatical errors here and there.

Got that out of my system, but moving on... I thought the first verse was good. Nice imagery.

The second wasn't quite so strong, but there's still some good in it.

The couplet before the solo was interesting. Don't think I've heard it expressed like that before.

The last verse was a little too on-the-nose I think. I struggle a lot with that problem myself, though. Usually, a good metaphor or symbollic imagery can get the job done much better, you just need to take a little time to think of a good one.

If you can spare a moment, I'd appreciate it if you could take a look at my latest work.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=258714

[i am the robots]

i like

7/10

[Flanagan]

thankyou all, I guess it wasnt as bad as I thought it was... i'll write more! =)

[Switchay]

I agree with what has been said, and to add -- I think you should have done more to the "old" part. I mean, you wrote three verses and two lines towards being young, and then one verse about being old. Overall though, I liked it. Better than the casual "KILL YOUR PARENTS AND YOURSELF WHOAMG EMO" stuff...good for a first try.