Song by me, please rate?

[i am the robots]

You
You make me sick
I'm done with it
You selfish dick
Why?
Why can't I
Just get over it
What's up with this?
I
I am so lost
But at what cost?
Heart caked in frost
Cold
And alone I am
Maybe is it
That I am ****ed?

If I could take it away
From my life today
If I could make it my way
Would it be okay?

Him
He's not okay
Always been wondering
Around all day
Her
She's just fine
Always been thinking
"He is mine"
Them
They are so blind
Always been thinking
The other can't find
What
They have to hide
But the other still knows
That they have lied

[FishSauce]

Sounds like some freestyle.

[Pao Ferro]

I have no idea what the hell that was about.

Seemed like a bunch of random dribble about people who are bad.

2/10.

[Steerpike]

For some reason, I kept picturing it to a tune similar to Iced Earth's song Jack.

Anyway, the imagery was pretty flat and you tended to ramble a bit. Punch it up a bit. A few clever metaphors could significantly improve it. For example, those last four lines, while good, could be pretty powerful with some creative imagery.

Keep writing. You've got potential, you just need to be less on-the-nose. Experiment with more complex structures if you feel so inclined as well.

If you can find a minute to give my latest work a look, I'd appreciate it.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=258714

[factor46]

ewww.....you said dick...

:D

[TheBlackAcidChildren]

There are pieces of this that work. But most of it doesn't... do you just want a rating or do you want some criticism? Cause I can point a few things out and you could make it a lot better.

I'd rate it 2.5/10 for now. It's got a way to go.

[i am the robots]

its more of a working project
it's one of my worst songs. so yeah.

[session9]

Yeah, "dick" is probably a pretty hard (sorry) word to sing credibly. It would instantly make the singer sound a bit silly and sophomoric to me. If that's the vibe of your band (say, like one of those wacky zany nu-punk bands), then it probably wouldn't be a problem. Otherwise, I'd change it.

Otherwise, I'd echo a lot of the comments already made. It reads like a ramble, it doesn't really go anywhere, and there's nothing of substance there that makes me want to hear how it's sung. Honesty is the best policy.