Escaping From A Closed Mouth

[ALittleDevotional]

I havent posted in a while due to lots of muchly stressful things, and i havent written anything new (before this) in ages. This was started yesterday and finished today, and hasnt been changed or anything, so go ahead...crit and i'll crit back.

Escaping From A Closed Mouth

I wanted to tell you a little something,
be...fore... the words escape my mouth,
to retreat back, to the depths of my mind,
back, where they came from...
back to where I came from

This hurts like nothing I've ever felt before.

But lets go back to what I was trying to say,
No... please... just dont open your lips,
just not quite yet, I'd like to finish this,
quick, before I lose it...
dont let me lose it

this is..
the hardest thing i've ever had to say
it grips at my throat as i force out these
insessent, unforgiving, unaltered thoughts

but its the nicest grip i've ever had to take.

You need to know one small hidden detail,
o...ver...whelming my high-strung heart,
to claim my once, long-lost misplaced trust,
back, where it belongs...
back where I belong

this warmth..
takes me in its clasp and i am gasping
reaching out for the response that fills my
insessent, unforgiving, unaltered dreams

its the freshest air i've ever had to gasp for.

I wanted to tell you something,
a little detail that you need to know,
A hidden emotion that i kept from you.

I wanted to tell you something...

Tell me you love me too.

[Deathapalooza04]

I wanted to tell you a little something,
be...fore... the words escape my mouth,
to retreat back, to the depths of my mind,
back, where they came from...
back to where I came from<I like it, but I think the 3rd line needs work.

This hurts like nothing I've ever felt before.

But lets go back to what I was trying to say,<let's
No... please... just dont open your lips,<don't
just not quite yet, I'd like to finish this,
quick, before I lose it...
dont let me lose it

this is..
the hardest thing i've ever had to say
it grips at my throat as i force out these
insessent, unforgiving, unaltered thoughts<I like it.

but its the nicest grip i've ever had to take.<eh, unsure about this line.

You need to know one small hidden detail,
o...ver...whelming my high-strung heart,<Love it. high-strung heart=good.
to claim my once, long-lost misplaced trust,<also good.
back, where it belongs...
back where I belong<overall a good paragraph, in my opinion.

this warmth..
takes me in its clasp and i am gasping<I don't think "clasp" works. Capital I.
reaching out for the response that fills my
insessent, unforgiving, unaltered dreams

its the freshest air i've ever had to gasp for.< It's, I've.

I wanted to tell you something,
a little detail that you need to know,
A hidden emotion that i kept from you.<lost the capital A.

I wanted to tell you something...

Tell me you love me too.<uhhh, that's more of a question than a statement.

You're basically asking if she/he loves you. Maybe it should be "I wanted to ASK you something'.

I think it's a decent piece of work, but the ending kills it for me.

Most of it is good, just needs a little punctuation and minor re-wording.

[ALittleDevotional]

thanks, it was written on notepad and it doesnt automatically correct the grammar and stuff, and i generally dont correct it as i go cos im too busy thinking bout what i actually want to write. its stuff i can go back and correct once the whole thing is finalised, which this probably isnt.
basically, with the ending i didnt want to go OTT with mushyness and say 'i wanted to tell you something...i love you' cos it sounds like balls, imo. so i changed it to how it is now.
what advice would you give on actually what to reword stuff to?

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

I wanted to tell you a little something,
be...fore... the words escape my mouth,
to retreat back, to the depths of my mind,
back, where they came from...
back to where I came from

This hurts like nothing I've ever felt before.

--this is kinda cool, like "i cant say anything because im too nervous kinda dealy" i thought it was a little confusing though, the first time i read it, i didnt understand the flow really, the 6th line is kind of misplaced since you used all this other imagery.

But lets go back to what I was trying to say,
No... please... just dont open your lips,
just not quite yet, I'd like to finish this,
quick, before I lose it...
dont let me lose it

--actually i enjoyed all of this, it was peachy keen :)

this is..
the hardest thing i've ever had to say
it grips at my throat as i force out these
insessent, unforgiving, unaltered thoughts

--maybe take this out, it sort of changed up the flow and restated everything, so it wasnt needed.

but its the nicest grip i've ever had to take.

--im confused :\

You need to know one small hidden detail,
o...ver...whelming my high-strung heart,
to claim my once, long-lost misplaced trust,
back, where it belongs...
back where I belong

--the last 2 lines dont fit in, if you are claiming something, you probably wouldnt put it back, youd um... return it? i think that might work better, but i might just be misunderstanding

this warmth..
takes me in its clasp and i am gasping
reaching out for the response that fills my
insessent, unforgiving, unaltered dreams

--keep this part

its the freshest air i've ever had to gasp for.

--cool line

I wanted to tell you something,
a little detail that you need to know,
A hidden emotion that i kept from you.

I wanted to tell you something...

Tell me you love me too.

--take out this last part and maybe rewrite just a 1 liner, because it really just takes away from the song and leaves me let down. maybe try and sum up how you feel in another phrase instead of i love you. it would help

pretty good, a bit cliched here and there, and some of it didnt make sense, but i could get into it.

7/10

[TheCowboyFromHell]

ooh tis good :D me likey :D well done :thumb:

i love you too :p