I don't know if this is that good . . . I put more thought into . . .

[bre]

I put more thought into the actual sound of the song on my guitar rather than the lyrics, someone help me out, if you think there's something I should change please tell me. IM me at breanerd if you want.

[Verse]
And I’m home,
And I’m home,
Put your hands at my waist,
And we’re home.

We’re apart,
We’re apart,
I’m the heartbreaker, I’m sorry,
(that) I split us apart.

[Chorus]
But it’s not that easy.

[Verse]
So I’m alone,
So I’m alone,
I’m such a bitch; that’s why . . .
We’re alone.

And you don’t,
And you don’t,
You don’t want me back, so I'm:
Alone.

[Chorus]
I've ****ed up so many times before,
So sorry won't cut it anymore.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

[Verse]
And I’m home,
And I’m home,
Put your hands at my waist,
And we’re home.

We’re apart,
We’re apart,
I’m the heartbreaker, I’m sorry,
(that) I split us apart.

--(trying to do this without flaming you) in a way, i find it hypocritical that you just gave me a crit about doing a song about heartbreak, and then you do one about being alone/breaking up... but ill put that aside. i think what really threw me off in this, was that the repeated parts seemed slightly elementary in wording. i really got the impression someone very young or new to song writing wrote this. the other thing is, those are sentance fragments, which no matter how you slice it, is bad grammar, which is a no no in songs. i get a really poppy feel from this. also, in the second stanza of the verse, you changed the syllable count immensely in the 3rd and 4th lines. unless you changed your musical or vocal pattern, it would be impossible to play to.

[Chorus]
But it’s not that easy.

--is this repeated or is that it?

[Verse]
So I’m alone,
So I’m alone,
I’m such a bitch; that’s why . . .
We’re alone.

And you don’t,
And you don’t,
You don’t want me back, so I'm:
Alone.

--repetition can be good, but in the way i stated it in the first stanza, this was elementary.

[Chorus]
I've ****ed up so many times before,
So sorry won't cut it anymore.

--best part of the song, but the second line just seems off... maybe change the "so" to "but"?

i think maybe you should take your own advice if you feel the need to give it, and not write a song based on heartbreak. and even though a simple song can work, this is overly simple, and just felt childish at times. your flow changes drastically throughout the song, and the vocabulary couldve been used more effectively, even with the sparse amount of words you used. i also think that if you want to write a simple song, you need to draw attention, instead of complaining. this felt more like a person whining to me than trying to make me feel a connection to the words, because that is really what a good song does, creates a connection between the singer and the listener. my perscription: write more, think more, and try and fit just a little more complexity into your songs, and if not complexity, try and connect the listener to your situation.

2/10

[Merkaba]

First off you two guys needs to cut it out.

I did like the hands around the waist line because thats something i absolutely love. A girls waist.

other than that....yea, I hope this is meant to be a very poppy song or something sad and very slow and empty like a bjork bside or something like that. I mean its simple and non complex. But **** the rules, do what you like and write what comes to mind. Its your art. some people hate landscape pictures, i love them. So just do what you like ultimately, cause youre simply trying to give a snapshot of what you feel. I'd like to know you could do something with a little more to it. maybe you have and i'll read it soon. Alot of albums have a simple track on it. This could be one of those. if the music and rhythm/delivery is good i could listen to it. and identify with it. but i wouldnt want it all the time, ya know?

[Jezen]

Very true merkaba. Also, do you like girl's waists or whats below girl's waists???