Cloak and Dagger, crit ill crit back

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Ben Stivers
10/30/04

Cloak and Dagger

[fast breathy whispers] The cold is inside me, something is behind this. I wish I wasn't here, but where else is there? What was it they said again? I cant remember, what's wrong with me? The cold is inside me, I'm losing hope. There's nothing here for me. You're not here. [/fast breathy whispers]

Blue blood soaks a page covered by obsession and remorse,
Confessing the way my chest burns when you are near.
My body scotched by thoughtless emotions that drive
This pen to bleed with threnody, and scream for invitation, but you've never let me in.

It's so difficult to breathe when you're all choked up.
My lungs are withering, when can I get away?

Consciousness is just another way of saying
That you know you're still alive,
But when your heart reaches its final beats,
You'll begin to waiver, and close your eyes.
The worst thing you could do is say you didn't care.
Well I'll show you, I'll show you all that my affection isnt just
A flower, it's a rose with hardened thorns.
Prick your finger, milk the wound, watch my sorrow pour,
You ruined everything, I will not love you anymore.

[bre]

I guess it's a 10/10 if you like to exaggerate the point of being heartbroken. Songs are best when people can sing along with them. Just because lyrics are complex doesn't mean their good. The only part I liked in your song was:

A flower is a rose with hardened thorns, prick your finger, milk the wound, watch my sorrow pour, you ruined everything, I will not love you anymore.

The rest I found to be hyperbolized. In a whole, when I first read your lyrics, the first two words that popped into my mind was, "Maynard wannabe." Anyways, you bashed someone else's lyrics for having no depth or intensity, well, I'm bashing yours for having too much. Do you want people to drown and die in your lyrics? If you had one more verse in that song, I would've died of boredom.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

I guess it's a 10/10 if you like to exaggerate the point of being heartbroken. Songs are best when people can sing along with them. Just because lyrics are complex doesn't mean their good. The only part I liked in your song was:

A flower is a rose with hardened thorns, prick your finger, milk the wound, watch my sorrow pour, you ruined everything, I will not love you anymore.

The rest I found to be hyperbolized. In a whole, when I first read your lyrics, the first two words that popped into my mind was, "Maynard wannabe." Anyways, you bashed someone else's lyrics for having no depth or intensity, well, I'm bashing yours for having too much. Do you want people to drown and die in your lyrics? If you had one more verse in that song, I would've died of boredom.

haha, point taken :)
although, it isnt very wise just to bash someones lyrics based on the fact that you didnt like how they insulted someone else. this would sort of make me think you were "immature." the thing is, if you want me to give any of your songs an honest crit, i wouldnt do something like this, just out of spite.

[slightly defensive tone] i didnt find my song to be too complex, and i dont think it was cliched, which was the point you were trying to get at. lots of bands write songs about being heartbroken, this song wasnt about heartbreak. it was about an obsessive person who writes all his emotions in a journal. the ending is him finally asking the girl or whatever, and she doesnt love him back... so he gets over it, even though his is in pain. more obsession than heartbreak.

so ill say to you, "reading comprehension please?"

yeah, im not sure who maynard is...

[Merkaba]

Of course i had to take a look at what you wrote after bashing the 3 minute song post...

threnody... nice word

I like the last four lines the most. otherwise i do find it just a bit overkill with the heartache and though it was , before i read bre's reply.

And i didnt find obsession in this song, nor would i get the idea of it being about a person who writes in a journal or asks the girl anything. If this is the idea you wanted to get across then it doesnt. WHy give away the reasons behind a song anyways it only works to limit the reader or listener...unless you had something to prove to someone that was criticizing your work. ???

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

obviously the writing and pen references and using the word obsession in the first stanza didnt work for you huh? :)

[Jezen]

The rest I found to be hyperbolized. In a whole, when I first read your lyrics, the first two words that popped into my mind was, "Maynard wannabe." Anyways, you bashed someone else's lyrics for having no depth or intensity, well, I'm bashing yours for having too much.

Gawd....I sure as hell wish I could write or sing like Maynard and im sure alot of people feel the same way.

[Merkaba]

obviously the writing and pen references and using the word obsession in the first stanza didnt work for you huh? :)

Hey dont jump on me cause youre going through it with someone else. I was giving you an honest crit asshole!

just becuase you use the word obsession doesnt mean shlt. you also make a reference to blood in the first verse, along with about three other times, along with your chest and heart, but I didnt think the song was about the cardiovascular system! My point was that it didnt seem to convey any idea of obsession. Only heartache. I viewed the pen as the tool for writing this particular song, how is one to know its about writing in a journal, numbnuts. If you dont like getting crits then dont post. Or do you want everybody to tell you nice job good line and thats all you can take? Simpleton . So no, the writing and pen references and using the word obsession in the first stanza obviously didnt do it for me! So go **** yourself, and put that in your journal! then tear the sheet out and whipe off with it.

[HelloImDistance]

Ben Stivers
10/30/04

Cloak and Dagger

[fast breathy whispers] The cold is inside me, something is behind this. I wish I wasn't here, but where else is there? What was it they said again? I cant remember, what's wrong with me? The cold is inside me, I'm losing hope. There's nothing here for me. You're not here. [/fast breathy whispers]

Blue blood soaks a page covered by obsession and remorse,
Confessing the way my chest burns when you are near.
My body scotched by thoughtless emotions that drive
This pen to bleed with threnody, and scream for invitation, but you've never let me in.

It's so difficult to breathe when you're all choked up.
My lungs are withering, when can I get away?

Consciousness is just another way of saying
That you know you're still alive,
But when your heart reaches its final beats,
You'll begin to waiver, and close your eyes.
The worst thing you could do is say you didn't care.
Well I'll show you, I'll show you all that my affection isnt just
A flower, it's a rose with hardened thorns.
Prick your finger, milk the wound, watch my sorrow pour,
You ruined everything, I will not love you anymore.

Like said before I think this is way over exaggerated the point of being heartbroken, The only part I like is:

"Prick your finger, milk the wound, watch my sorrow pour,
You ruined everything, I will not love you anymore."

But it just seems like you are trying to much not to be "cliched", If it was going to be a song it's good to have parts that people can just scream out the lyrics with you.

Songs don't have to be all complex, I mean look at "The Beautiful Mistake - Light a Match" the lyrics are so simple yet there awesome to just scream out with the melody of the guitar :cool:

I give it a 5/10

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Hey dont jump on me cause youre going through it with someone else. I was giving you an honest crit asshole!

just becuase you use the word obsession doesnt mean shlt. you also make a reference to blood in the first verse, along with about three other times, along with your chest and heart, but I didnt think the song was about the cardiovascular system! My point was that it didnt seem to convey any idea of obsession. Only heartache. I viewed the pen as the tool for writing this particular song, how is one to know its about writing in a journal, numbnuts. If you dont like getting crits then dont post. Or do you want everybody to tell you nice job good line and thats all you can take? Simpleton . So no, the writing and pen references and using the word obsession in the first stanza obviously didnt do it for me! So go **** yourself, and put that in your journal! then tear the sheet out and whipe off with it.

shall i explain the difference to you between a needless flame, and a true crit. take for example what you just said, not only do you have absolutely NO sense of reading comprehension, but you also have a very poor sense of logic. i dont like getting flamed by noobs and immature people, which are usually one in the same. but for you it seems that even the vets can have a completely warped view of reality. i dont want you to like my song, what i want is for you not to call me an asshole when you decide to pick up someones battle for them, even when ive proved their point completely wrong. maybe what you should try doing is instead of trying to act intelligent, actually go and read some books, that way youll actually have an arguement with at least some acuity. the blue blood metaphor would be refering to ink (trumpets sound), or was that MUCH to above your level of comprehension? and to say that i just want a pat on the back, when ive posted more than 50 songs on these forums, is sort of trying to make an arguement out of nothing. do you think everyone has liked my songs? maybe what you should do is get your head out of your *** and look further into things before decided to throw your opinion in, where none is need. if you think saying "your song blows, but i like this part:" is a constructive crit, maybe that just shows you have no idea what you are doing in the first place. now why dont you go crawl back up into the wench that squatted down in a field to have you, and try this whole life thing over again, because you obviously have ****ed this one up beyond hope.

[pixiesfanyo]

^ You are really annoying. (APS)

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

the only thing im doing from now on is saying "your song was peachy keen, 8/10 :thumb:"

that way we have no more arguements

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

^ You are really annoying. (APS)

^---the epitome of an intelligent comeback *claps*

[HelloImDistance]

^---the epitome of an intelligent comeback *claps*

This guyes being a real ***..

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

everyone feel free to say something completely useless or random on this thread, thanks.

[Merkaba]

shall i explain the difference to you between a needless flame, and a true crit. take for example what you just said, not only do you have absolutely NO sense of reading comprehension, but you also have a very poor sense of logic. i dont like getting flamed by noobs and immature people, which are usually one in the same. but for you it seems that even the vets can have a completely warped view of reality. i dont want you to like my song, what i want is for you not to call me an asshole when you decide to pick up someones battle for them, even when ive proved their point completely wrong. maybe what you should try doing is instead of trying to act intelligent, actually go and read some books, that way youll actually have an arguement with at least some acuity. the blue blood metaphor would be refering to ink (trumpets sound), or was that MUCH to above your level of comprehension? and to say that i just want a pat on the back, when ive posted more than 50 songs on these forums, is sort of trying to make an arguement out of nothing. do you think everyone has liked my songs? maybe what you should do is get your head out of your *** and look further into things before decided to throw your opinion in, where none is need. if you think saying "your song blows, but i like this part:" is a constructive crit, maybe that just shows you have no idea what you are doing in the first place. now why dont you go crawl back up into the wench that squatted down in a field to have you, and try this whole life thing over again, because you obviously have ****ed this one up beyond hope.


hey, asshole, did you read? Didnt i say the ink metaphor to me was about writing the song?

...or were you too rushed to come up with a good response to Merkaba. I go out of my way to be objective and balanced whenever i crit, even for someone that has a chip on their shoulder, or that uses smart *** tones or is an *** in general. But once you cross that line and talk any amount of shlt to me, then its on. And I dont recall saying your song blows,but i like this part. What i might do is tell you what i dont like....and that i DO like this or that part. I think people like to hear what they do good, so thats the way i usually crit. So dont get your pink panties in a wad little kid. And its funny that you come back with only shlt talking and little insults and youre not sticking to the facts. So i wont respond to your little highschool mother jokes and the like. And I dont care if you've posted 50,000 songs. Youve been an *** in what I've read. And i dont pick up others battles, but i do tell people if there being an immature stain about something. And its funny that other people agree about what your song seems to say. How does that feel? Like your foot is in your mouth. You need to hurry and get it out so you can resume what youre best at, before i get my money back, knob gobbler!....:lol:

P.S. nothing in the 3rd dimension is above my comprehension, little human, except what little humans do. Try to fire up the other side of your brain for a change because you can not prevail in argument with me using 3rd dimensional principals, as you have now witnessed.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

merkaba, you obviously dont think at all this arguement couldve come from your own twisted view of reality do you? when you decided to "bring it" i just made a sarcastic remark about how you missed the point of the song in the first verse (hence the smiley face after my remark, meaning there was no ill will). you decided to take my comment and blow it way out of proportion, and this is what ended up happening. the fact is that you are the one who might need a pat on the back, because obviously you have problems dealing with people and understanding the "tone" of someones responses. and like i said before, you obviously have no reading comprehension skills if you couldnt even do that.

nothing in the 3rd dimension is above my comprehension, little human, except what little humans do.

--mind explaining to me what that means? did you all of a sudden shed your body and become a being of pure energy? half of your responses have made no sense anyway, so i will just take it that you are borderline retarded, and that i should stop being such a sarcastic person. problem solved, now stop bothering me.

[iridescent]

A Perfect Sonnet, you really need to grow up.

I would work on your attitude and not your poetry right now.

edit: maybe your next one can be called Displaced Anger :D

[Merkaba]

merkaba, you obviously dont think at all this arguement couldve come from your own twisted view of reality do you? when you decided to "bring it" i just made a sarcastic remark about how you missed the point of the song in the first verse (hence the smiley face after my remark, meaning there was no ill will). you decided to take my comment and blow it way out of proportion, and this is what ended up happening. the fact is that you are the one who might need a pat on the back, because obviously you have problems dealing with people and understanding the "tone" of someones responses. and like i said before, you obviously have no reading comprehension skills if you couldnt even do that.

nothing in the 3rd dimension is above my comprehension, little human, except what little humans do.

--mind explaining to me what that means? did you all of a sudden shed your body and become a being of pure energy? half of your responses have made no sense anyway, so i will just take it that you are borderline retarded, and that i should stop being such a sarcastic person. problem solved, now stop bothering me.


yea yea yea, i knew you would use that shlt. just because you put a smiley face at the end of a remark doesnt mean anything. And you know my responses make alot of sense thats why all you do is talk ****. You got it dealt to your smart ***, now deal with it and quit trying to be right. Didnt I tell you that you cant be right once you cross someone and youre still talking the same way? Dont you comprehend and understand my tone, or are you borderline retarded? And no I dont have problems dealing with people, but i do enjoy dealing with morons and putting them in their place, and most around here seem to agree. So grow up, take it as a loss or whatever your little ego is comfortable with, and move on. Can you do that? So here, for your ego, YOU LOSE!

Everything except consciousness is energy. As far as the "body" goes, yes i can shed that at will, Its called consciousness projection. You might want to "read some books" as you put it. Now, **** Off!! ....oh yea, here....---> :)

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

wow its funny how you think by saying you are right for no apparent reason and then going on to say "you lose" that makes you somehow any better than me. and maybe we could talk to some other people that i know you've pulled the same "im better than you because i said so" talk on? believe me, you arent better than me or smarter, if anything you are even stupider than i thought you were, because you have run out of insults and are forced to use mine back at me. and yes, i was being sarcastic in that first post, but obviously you have no way to understand that seeing as how you have to blow things completely out of proportion. its funny because if i thought you were even the least bit right, i wouldve given up by now. but the thing is you arent, you are just an idiot. now go take your ego somewhere else you ****ing moron. thanks.

[pixiesfanyo]

To the wall my children to the wall!

[Jezen]

This is pathetic. Why don't you both just listen to what eachother is saying and quit bitching.

now why dont you go crawl back up into the wench that squatted down in a field to have you

That was ridiculously harsh.

A Perfect Sonnet, you really need to grow up.

So grow up, take it as a loss

i dont like getting flamed by noobs and immature people

Ok so have we come to the conclusion that everyone thinks everyone else is immature and need to grow up? Thats what it seems like.





















P.S.

Everything except consciousness is energy. As far as the "body" goes, yes i can shed that at will, Its called consciousness projection

That was so Tool cool! :thumb:

[Merkaba]

wow its funny how you think by saying you are right for no apparent reason and then going on to say "you lose" that makes you somehow any better than me. and maybe we could talk to some other people that i know you've pulled the same "im better than you because i said so" talk on? believe me, you arent better than me or smarter, if anything you are even stupider than i thought you were, because you have run out of insults and are forced to use mine back at me. and yes, i was being sarcastic in that first post, but obviously you have no way to understand that seeing as how you have to blow things completely out of proportion. its funny because if i thought you were even the least bit right, i wouldve given up by now. but the thing is you arent, you are just an idiot. now go take your ego somewhere else you ****ing moron. thanks.

I can say what i want. And you can say what you want. Go talk to and get anyone you want. I gurantee you that if i made any insults it was because they crossed the line first and I dont recall getting into any personal arguments in here unless it was in a post about religion which is just like what you have in your head now, beliefs. Go talk to anyone in the jams session, where I spend most of my time, and see if they think I'm better than anyone.

And its also funny that you start to bring up me being better than you. Did i ever say this? Obviously though you are creating your own environment. And im not worried about your name calling. You're just upset that you've made some asshole posts and you got called out on it. So of course your lopsided ego fixed brain is gonna try everything it can to make itself right, so all you do is come back here and go further down the spiral, snowballing with more shlt talking. I usually like to let most idiots prove themselves, thusly i say the things that are needed to provoke them to prove the truth themselves. Thanks for making my job easier here.

I'm wordy, i like communication, I'm damn good at it. Remember that the next time you make a smart remark to me. I dont care what you have to say about why you done it, what you meant by it, what icon you put at the end of it, or whatever else that you want to say in order to try to erase the mistake. Its also nice that you say it got blown out of proportion. If you werent a simpleton you would not have presented a comment or statement that could get blown out of proportion. Regardless, I see your ego came back to prove itself in control of you and your words. Too bad you stopped talking about your original ideas and moved into uselessness. Keep trying if you like. You'll see that it will get no better. Your other brain is calling you, and has been all your life, you robot. Listen to it. Now, what will unperfect circle, i mean sonnet do. Will you be able to fight the anger you choose to feel, and settle your ego, or will you come back and post somemore bullshlt? I'm all in. whats your hand?

[Jezen]

Good call. Spiral - That was very lateralus. Robot - That was just cool.