Almost Back From LENGTHY Writers Block, Please Help Me Finish This ****

[maggotfelon]

What's up guys?! I haven't been around in a while. I've got a job finally and ran into some writers' blockage so I've been fairly inactive in my writing, though I've been catching up on some reading.

Anyway, this is hardcore rough draft. I wanna see what's good and what's bad. I don't want to explain it so if you can't get something out of it try not to hold that against it. Everything can not be put into words.

Italicized lines are something I'm not currently satisfied with. This is a Slipknot-ish song but slightly more death metal-ish.


-----
this storybook unfolded so many times
rewrite the pages each time we climb between the lines
but a broken step sticks out in my head
you always died in the end
no bounds!
no play!
no loss!
no shame!
this warehouse of thought slowly ran dry
the memories cracked and split to build off their own lies
but the broken step inside is blood red
you always died in the end
no bounds!
no play!
no loss!
no shame!

looking through the glass eye
terminal decline
i fall into the waiting pool as i drench myself in flames

one worm to kill my world
evil slips through inner mindscapes
fall to my dreamcatcher
catch me now within your swollen heart

looking through the window
the window of strings
i'm torn between between reality and nightmares it seems
-----

ANY help is MUCH appreciated, thanks.

[maggotfelon]

Not my best work though maybe it could be eventually.


If you've seen the movie Dreamcatcher... like it or not... you might get some of it though I only used elements from the movie, it's not about it.

[Jezen]

Really good. There was only one line that I didn't like and that was: "fall to my dreamcatcher" I dont know why I just didnt like it. It gave me a slipknot feeling, but not exactly heavier. It felt like that softer material they have on their new album 'Subliminal Verses'.
Hardly anything that I would change. 8.9/10
Can you please take a look at 'Uniform'. Thanx.

[maggotfelon]

I can't. It's kind of fvcked.

[Sloth]

Maggot - good to see you back... I was goin' through that same **** for a while there too..

this is one of your pieces that I can actually tell that it's a rough draft .. It's not horrible .. it just needs some work..

Lines I didn't like .. .. ..
this warehouse of thought slowly ran dry.. ..fall to my dreamcatcher.. ..the window of strings.. ..but a broken step sticks out in my head These lines can work if you just reword them or tweek something else in a stanza to make them work..

The line about the step needs to fit in to make sense for the next stanza, so I guess leave that.

I like the italicized lines and this
no bounds!
no play!
no loss!
no shame!


Just work on it a little and expand on your idea and you'll have a pretty solid piece...

[DecoyMilk`]

fall to my dreamcatcher

Maybe drift/drifting to my dream catcher?

[maggotfelon]

thanks for the crits

[maggotfelon]

Come on... I'm desperate for help with this one.

[Disco Dragon]

this storybook unfolded so many times
rewrite the pages each time we climb between the lines
but a broken step sticks out in my head
you always died in the end
--Kind of a lackluster opening line. It sets in too much of a melancholy tone for me. Perhaps something a little deeper, like “This tale has been spoken into dust through time”? Not sure if it fits with the meaning you were going for though. The second line is great. The third line is a little clumsy. How about something like “But a certain page sticks out in my head.”

no bounds!
no play!
no loss!
no shame!
--Not bad. But it doesn’t grab me like it should. I think the correlation isn’t quite strong enough to hold to the two word lines. Maybe expand on it just a tad to make it more forceful.

this warehouse of thought slowly ran dry
the memories cracked and split to build off their own lies
but the broken step inside is blood red
you always died in the end
--Great idea with the first line. Not sure about the wording, but the idea is awesome. Again, second line is great. I see that you were trying to reference the third line in the first stanza with the third line in this stanza, but I just don’t think it worked. I think the phrase “blood red” has been overused and lost its power. That’s the one thing that I’d surely change in this stanza.

looking through the glass eye
terminal decline
i fall into the waiting pool as i drench myself in flames
--Last line is awesome. As a whole, it’s good. A little shaky with how the first two lines fit together though.

one worm to kill my world
evil slips through inner mindscapes
fall to my dreamcatcher
catch me now within your swollen heart
--I’d just drop the first line. I also agree with whoever said to maybe change “fall” to “drift” in the third line. The last line definitely leaves a stale taste in my mouth. It seems so corny compared to the rest of this song. I just feel like you shifted gears and started crying angst for that one moment. Probably my least favorite stanza.

looking through the window
the window of strings
i'm torn between between reality and nightmares it seems
--I assume you meant to have only one “between” in the last line. I would combine the first two lines and just say “Looking through the window of strings”, because I don’t feel like its strong enough to need repetition. I do like how you end it with a cliffhanger. I don’t know if that was your intention or if you just haven’t finished it yet, but its good.


I liked this song, but it does need some adjustments from my viewpoint. Everything I said was just a suggestion, so don’t take it to heart. Its your song, so I think you should write what you want to write, not what everybody else thinks you should write. The one thing that bothered me about this song was that you encased it in a “death-metal” tomb, and didn’t give it any room to breathe as its own song. If I could give you just one piece of advice, it would be to not follow any sort of structure as far as genres are concerned. Don’t classify it as being “Slipknot-ish”…just let it be its own song. I think that it’ll give you more room to grow as a writer, and it might possibly open some doors lyrically so that you don’t get stuck with writer’s block again. Anywho, those are my 2 cents. If you want another penny or two, don’t hesitate to ask. But like I said, I did like this song, as I do with most of your writing, but there are some improvements that I think would make it a little bit better.

[maggotfelon]

"If I could give you just one piece of advice, it would be to not follow any sort of structure as far as genres are concerned. Don’t classify it as being “Slipknot-ish”…just let it be its own song. I think that it’ll give you more room to grow as a writer, and it might possibly open some doors lyrically so that you don’t get stuck with writer’s block again"


I completely agree with you on this one man. I was thinking of a band while writing I was just trying to describe how I was planning on playing it, it sounds kind of like a Slipknot song when thrown together. Trust me, no matter how much I love a band I will never try to be like any of them. That's weak.

Thanks for the input, the first serious crit. Much appreciated.

[pixiesfanyo]

falling through my dreamcatcher
catch me now with your swollen heart

bitch!

[SubtleDagger]

Some parts are alright (most of the italicized lines), some are off (most of the normal lines), some are really, really bad (anything with exclamation points).

[Deathapalooza04]

"no bounds!
no play!
no loss!
no shame!"

I like most of this piece, but the above makes me think of basketball for some reason.

I'm assuming that was not your intentions, but I've been wrong before.

[Baodegoth]

Hey look who's back..*music starts* "felon's back tell a friend, look who's back, look who's back, look who's back..." *music stops...and this was a weak joke*:upset: long time no see bud:chug: (haven't been here in a while too so that's probably why)....anyway let's get it on:

this storybook unfolded so many times
rewrite the pages each time we climb between the lines
but a broken step sticks out in my head
you always died in the end
no bounds!
no play!
no loss!
no shame!
"but a broken step sticks out in my head" i love the idea but it seems like it isn't very well xpressed, maybe:"but a broken word/line stoped me from saving you".. the rest is good i like the "no loss, no shame.." thing it gives a better image to the reader/listener of the feelings you're trying to put into words[wich is a hard thing to do].

this warehouse of thought slowly ran dry
the memories cracked and split to build off their own lies
but the broken step inside is blood red
you always died in the end
no bounds!
no play!
no loss!
no shame!
i have to say i like everything here..even the parts you have "italized" but again the "but the broken step inside is blood red" i think that the word "step" doesn't really work here i like the word "line or word" better...cuz it suits the whole "book" image you've created.

looking through the glass eye
terminal decline
i fall into the waiting pool as i drench myself in flames
i know this isn't constructive AT ALL but i really don't like this..just erase the whole stanza idk why i just don't like it...but again it's my opinion.

one worm to kill my world
evil slips through inner mindscapes
fall to my dreamcatcher
catch me now within your swollen heart
hmmm.."fall to my dreamcatcher"? sorry mate but it doesn't sound good..it cuts the flow[i think you're aware of that] either change the word "fall" or rewrite the whole line. you have the last line in italic but i think it's great imo don't change it!

looking through the window
the window of strings
i'm torn between between reality and nightmares it seems
nice ending..again i like the last line the image is cool what i don't like that much is the 1st line..."i'm looking trhough the window"...it doesn't make much sense[to me] the image you're creating here...idk..i'm afraid i can't help you more than this my friend.

overall: the draft is cool..i like the topic and wording...the phrase construction was a bit disapointing(sp?) but then again writers block can do do fvcked up things to your mind:D ..i guess that if you add some strong images this could be better or metaphors..as for the story line it's all good..me likes it.:thumb: so post the whole piece when done! (i'm writting something too i'll probably post it here so if you see any sh.it under the name of Baodegoth you know what to do) :p stay cool mofo'

[espf-250htd06]

idk how to improve this really its awesome for this type of music,

this storybook unfolded so many times< dont really like storybook, idk what you could use
rewrite the pages each time we climb between the lines
but a broken step sticks out in my head<<<shattered step maybe instead of broken idk
you always died in the end
no bounds!
no play!
no loss!
no shame!

good flow i like the last 4 lines


his warehouse of thought slowly ran dry<<<<arsenal instead of warehouse, maybe
the memories cracked and split to build off their own lies
but the broken step inside is blood red<<<shredded
you always died in the end
no bounds!
no play!
no loss!
no shame!

like this stanza better than the first one

one worm to kill my world
evil slips through inner mindscapes
fall to my dreamcatcher
catch me now within your swollen heart

looking through the window
the window of strings
i'm torn between between reality and nightmares it seems


i like this one no suggestions



idk thats just some possibiltiys i like it the way it is
8.8/10

check out my song past desires

or my song cant see me through the wall

tell me what you think if you can cya

[maggotfelon]

Thanks for the crits guys... And yes... it was a weak joke but we all have bad ones so I'll give you credit for it... or something.

[Baodegoth]

Thanks for the crits guys... And yes... it was a weak joke but we all have bad ones so I'll give you credit for it... or something.
:lol: ..right on:D [i'm just spamming your thread]

[Sade]

Dont listen to them. I enjoy the totally out of context No play! no loss! lines.

They're the deciding part of the peice, original, and it does somehow fit.

Also, it's just a nice fuse to read about, and then have this sort of eccentric launguage right in the middle. Overall, just another great peice from you, nothing that's amazing as you'll soon achieve that again-but nice nonethe less.

[maggotfelon]

Spam on brotha!


Thanks for the crit Sade, love to hear from you man.

[burton.and.gas]

ok i dont mean to be annoying or anything, but it sounds like Slayer meets slipknot with a little bit of romanticism and it seems less agressive than these bands, it seems to be a very wierd story that isnt very agressive but is clearly a heavy metal song!