Burning Flag

[thepoweroflard]

hey
i just came up with these lyrics like 5 minutes ago and im looking for some feedback:

Burning flag
Flying high in the sky
The fire cuts through the walls
Of red, white and blue
Trampled flag
Laying on the city streets
Kicked into the gutter
Finally of the scene
Torn flag
Ripped from seam to seam
Thrown into the trash can
Later dumped in the sea

Flying flag
Flying in all its glory
For the flag you die for
For the flag things get gorey
Bodys lit on napalm fire
Bodys killed with armies fire
The vile stench of death
Unmarked graves filled to the brim
Blast after blast
Death after death
Until dead bodies everywhere
Dead bodies everywhere
And up high is a flag
But not a flying flag

Burning flag
Burning in the sky
People stop to rejoice
No more need for them to die
Burning flag
Burnt to a final crisp
Burnt to the ground until
Extinguished by a dog's piss
Flying flag
No more
No more
No more

[Sloth]

America... Love it or leave it bi.tch!

[TheBlackAcidChildren]

The idea is good... but it's cliché. There are plenty of "revolutionary" bands out there voicing similar polictical messages, but with better lyrics.
The first verse seems ok, but then when you hit the second verse you start trying to rhyme.
Flying flag
Flying in all its glory
For the flag you die for
For the flag things get gorey

Like that. That isn't a particularly strong rhyme. It sounds really forced, and "gorey" isn't that dissimilar from "glory".

Don't get me wrong, it has potential. You've certainly got the right idea. But if you start off by not rhyming and then go into rhyme, do it well or it kinda poisons the idea. I'm an elitist who doesn't like cliché.... and this smells over-used. Clean some of the rhymes up and it could have the makings of a good song.

[session9]

Well, not beating around the bush (ha!) I think it's wank, and needs to be binned and started again. When the patient (i.e. this song) has no pulse, no brain activity, and has been like that for hours, you tend to think it's probably not worth trying to resuscitate them. Miracles might happen, but not in this case. Bag it and tag it.