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burton.and.gas
10-29-2004, 06:50 AM
without money you can try your best!
but you still can't make it in the world of the west!
forget your life if you live in the east!
because our idiot world thinx your children of the beast!

try and make yourself appear to the world,
but if your not the same as the other boys and girls,
prepare to have you culture rammed right in your face!
prepare to be treated and judged upon race!

seymour is not at all like other kids,
he has been very beaten and been denied of what's his!
its like what he believes is an unacceptable truth,
but the bruises on his arms serve as proof!

the uniform makes this all feel alright!
the uniform allows us to murder and fight!
and gives a guiltless conscience for all to see!
the uniform comes and it kills me!

Diminishedfaith
10-29-2004, 04:16 PM
this is a little too blunt, but if you used the theme found in the title and the last stanza im sure this would turn out to be an awsome song or whatever it is

TheBlackAcidChildren
10-29-2004, 04:22 PM
without money you can try your best!
but you still can't make it in the world of the west!
forget your life if you live in the east!
because our idiot world thinx your children of the beast!

You seem to be able to spell... so why the "thinx"? What impact can be gained by turning a "ks" into an "X"? Other than that the verse is constructed well.

try and make yourself appear to the world,
but if your not the same as the other boys and girls,
I'm sorry... but this doesn't rhyme at all. "World" and "girl" don't have the right similarity in vowel structure to make a rhyme. And to make it worse, you've added a plural, demolishing the rhyme completely.
prepare to have you culture rammed right in your face!
prepare to be treated and judged upon race!

seymour is not at all like other kids,
he has been very beaten and been denied of what's his!
its like what he believes is an unacceptable truth,
but the bruises on his arms serve as proof!
Again, those two lines don't rhyme. "Truth" and "proof" only rhyme if you have a speech impediment that makes you pronounce "th" as "f". I'd consider revising those lines.

the uniform makes this all feel alright!
the uniform allows us to murder and fight!
and gives a guiltless conscience for all to see!
the uniform comes and kills me!
The last line doesn't have enough syllables to fit in with the rest of the lines. Other than that, it seems okay.

Have a look through that.

burton.and.gas
10-29-2004, 04:53 PM
"Again, those two lines don't rhyme. "Truth" and "proof" only rhyme if you have a speech impediment that makes you pronounce "th" as "f". I'd consider revising those lines."

you do have a point about the forced rhyming but i actually find that forced rhyming can work myself. Also this speech impediment which you mentioned, well i have it lol. i take speech lessons to improve it cos i do drama.

testtubebaby
10-29-2004, 05:46 PM
umm the truth proof thing doesnt bother me but the song is too blunt and the rhyming sounds very forced. it sounds like you got alot of words that rhyme and put them together with a few words in between. i do like the idea though. crit mine plz

burton.and.gas
10-30-2004, 02:16 PM
ok i will.