PDA

View Full Version : Unfinished - No Borderline


Herbert_da_fish
10-29-2004, 05:40 AM
Not quite finished yet, but I've done the first verse and chorus. Tell me what you think.

Maybe it would be better,
If a lie was the truth.
Perhaps it wouldn't hurt if,
One and one didn't equal two.
It takes a little evil,
To find the hero inside.
Love and hate change just as quick
As a showmans tie.


You ripped the sun from the sky,
And cut the puppets strings.
You stole the morning light
That taught the early birds to sing.
When this song was written,
You stole the melody.
Like we need the air to breathe,
I need you there for me.


Crit for a crit. Ciao.

Herbert_da_fish
10-30-2004, 11:38 AM
bump

Herbert_da_fish
11-01-2004, 01:36 AM
bump

Deathapalooza04
11-01-2004, 02:42 AM
The chorus rhymes nicely. I'm not sure about the first verse. It doesn't really rhyme, but it feels like it should. "inside" and "tie" almost rhyme, but not really. I like the last 2 lines the best.

Herbert_da_fish
11-02-2004, 03:03 PM
bump

CofDdrums12
11-02-2004, 03:34 PM
I agree.

Um... Yeah, It'd be easier to judge if it were finished... but whatcha got so far is good.

Later for you.

burton.and.gas
11-02-2004, 03:36 PM
its good, it reflects on something inside my mind actually. i think its got good potential and overall i think the forced rhyming can be overlooked.

chips88
11-02-2004, 03:42 PM
the second stanza is more cohesive and put together than the first. keep it up, looks good. the same size of the lines also adds to the uniformity of the whole song.