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Bexi
10-28-2004, 11:05 AM
Here you have another one...do what you will..or won't with it

Shredded emptiness cushions the void,
The hollow sickly feeling,
Swallows you up until you blink destroyed,
The vapour rushes to the floor,
Crashing down on the echo of all that's gone before.

Shiver slowly-suffer quietly if you please,
Smiling coldly, the happiness of your unease,
So cloudy, low visibility,
So blackened , high instability.
Shiver slowly
Suffer quietly
IF YOU PLEASE

Bitter wilderness deepens the wound,
A sranger willing feeling,
Opens your scars and encompasses pain,
Now the craving sets in fast,
Breaking away the pieces that stand in the past.

wasted forgivenss bridges the gap,
of a calmer dying feeling,
The fear switches..then loses...

the grip
the grip

Nick13's The Best!!!
10-28-2004, 12:07 PM
i don't like it much. some lines don't make any sense,"Bitter wilderness deepens the wound, A stranger willing feeling..." Just because it rhymes doesn't mean it makes sense. 5/10

Bexi
10-28-2004, 01:03 PM
...uhm that doesn't rhyme....

but anyways thanks for reading and commenting

Sloth
10-28-2004, 01:32 PM
this has a couple typos, but no big faults.. .. pretty good.. I like it

I think he's talking about the "willing feeling" part. But I do think that this is rather awkward.


Overall.. .. this isn't a piece that we can really crit.. ..to us readers, it doesn't make sense.. we can just look at the words and think, "oh nice" or "what the hell?"
I know this probably has deep meaning to you, it's just we can't see it.. try to write to so the reader can make sense of it
___
I need crits on my new piece "Seasons" when you get a chance.

funkywhiteboy
10-28-2004, 01:41 PM
yeah.. umm.. it doesn't make any sense to me.. i'm not seeing a main subject this song is about.. pretty words, but they don't make any sense.

Bexi
10-28-2004, 01:55 PM
pretty words that don't make sense...sounds about right :)

Nick13's The Best!!!
10-28-2004, 11:34 PM
yeah.. umm.. it doesn't make any sense to me.. i'm not seeing a main subject this song is about.. pretty words, but they don't make any sense.

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session9
10-30-2004, 07:09 PM
It gives me an uneasy feeling, but a central meaning is invisible to me. But I like songs that are abstract enough to mean different things to different people (and I can't write stuff like that very well).

I sort of liked it...I think?

Try writing more stuff like this, though; you'll doubtless improve with time and practice.

Bexi
10-31-2004, 07:24 PM
Constructive...hmmm.....