PDA

View Full Version : "Cigarettes"- Please crit


hopefulanxiety
10-27-2004, 09:19 PM
Pull out your lighter
flick it once or twice
Burn it all away
Like everything in my life
The ashes fall to the ground
My head is spinning all around
Just like everything in my life

Take the first drag
Forget everything I said
Take the second drag
Erase everything I have
Take another hit
My life's just like a cigarette

Drop the ashes to the floor
Every little thing adored
Half-way through this little stick
Everything I know, it makes me sick

Take the third drag
Forget everything I said
Take the fourth drag
Erase everything I have
Take another hit
My life's just like a cigarette

Now I'm left with a little butt
of everything I knew and loved
All the things I wished could stay
Burned up in this little ashtray
No more sticks in the box
No more chances, no more luck
No more sticks, no more hits
My life's just like a cigarette


*I know it's not the best, can anyone help me fix it?

Sloth
10-27-2004, 09:38 PM
overall... I really like it... I like the idea...

there are just a few little parts that need to be edited.
I don't like how you refer to them as sticks... it works i guess, it just sounds tacky.

Like everything in my life....Just like everything in my life....Half-way through this little stick....No more sticks in the box I don't like these lines....

And I really like what seems to be your chorus..
___
when you get the chance... please check out my piece on here.. "Seasons"

hopefulanxiety
10-27-2004, 09:41 PM
Sloth
You, sir, have made my day. I appreciate your input, and I'll see what I can do with those lines. Thanks.

CrashingDown213
10-27-2004, 11:06 PM
I liked this a lot too, especially the good comparison of life and cigarettes.

No more sticks in the box
No more chances, no more luck
No more sticks, no more hits
My life's just like a cigarette
Those lines were excellent and provided a very good ending to a good song, which is sometimes hard to do.

Nice work 7.5/10