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Lucky Savage
10-27-2004, 04:14 PM
This is a new piece I wrote a few days ago, and I can't decide whether I'm done or if I should add/change anything. Hopefully you guys can help, I'm quite proud of this one.
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Serenades And Broken Glass

Singing off-key in the streets
Serenading the open windows
Together beneath the glowing moon
Holding hands and tossing bottles
Swimming heads and broken hearts
Who could have told you it was doomed?
Who could’ve known you’d fall apart?

Exactly when did “just one” become “just one more”
And when did your face join your feet on the floor?
It’s just another twenty bucks well spent
Another whore is cashing your paycheck
Did you ever stop to think twice about the past?
Did you ever try to grab the moment?
Did you ever once make it last?
‘Cause I know I caught you humming once or twice
The song you sang together on that fateful night

Crying awfully in the streets
Slumped down beneath the open windows
Alone beneath the glaring sun
I know how you felt when she left you alone
Dumped on the corner of that sad neighborhood
But was she wrong when she solved her problems
And left it up you to worry about your own

Emptyhandedness won’t last long
When you’ve got a bottle in your fist
But the empty heart will still beat strong
How long can you afford to live like this?
You can’t spend the short days you’ve got left
Just trying to get her back
When you’re standing in your bare feet
In a pile of broken glass

Lucky Savage
10-27-2004, 06:01 PM
12 views and not one crit? Come on, I can't be that bad of a writer...
BUMP!

TheOpeningAct101
10-27-2004, 07:08 PM
Something is wrong with the first verse. i cant put my finger on it though. the second verse i think is great, i like the ryme. the rest is good too, but there is always room for improvment.

Lucky Savage
10-29-2004, 04:48 PM
Thanks for the crit. I know the first verse seems a bit off, but it sounds good the way it's supposed to sung. But for some reason there's something about the song that seems off, but I can't seem to find it. Ah well, let's see what the others have to say.

Guitar4noise
10-31-2004, 09:09 AM
I really liked it, alot.
Gave away nice image.
Best i've seen in this room for awhile
::highfive::
Amazing man :thumb: