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View Full Version : New peice-critz wanted


Paul From Canada
10-27-2004, 02:51 PM
Alright, Ive been working on this one for a little while and im kinda stuck. As you can see theres no ending and to me at least i think the begging is lacking a little.
Anyways whatever opinions you have would be appreciated:D


Fearing to see
The Way you might look at me
So I pull up a cover
To hide from the world
I'm only fooling myself
I stand here wondering why
I cling to this choking silence
If I could only find a way to explain
The words would bleed from me like a cut vein
My impossible dream
Keeps ripping at the seams
I fall apart
As the dagger of silence
Tears through my heart
Now I watch as you pass
And then hide my eyes and bite my lip
They would be transparent panes
And give it all away
All the things I'm afraid to say

CrashingDown213
10-27-2004, 03:15 PM
Alright I saw a few mistakes and thought of a few corrections so I'll rewrite it the way I see it working..

Fearing to see
The way you look at me
Pulling up a cover
Hiding my face from the world
Yet only fooling myself
As I stand here wondering why

Clinging to this choking silence
If only I could find a way to explain
The words would bleed as a slit vein

My impossible dreams
Continue to tear at the seams
As I fall apart
The dagger of silence
Tears apart my heart
Now I watch as you pass
(Then hide my eyes and bite my lip
They would be transparent panes)--{didn't understand very well, message was blurred}
And then to give away
All the things I've been so afraid to say

Paul From Canada
10-28-2004, 06:16 AM
Thank you man, thats a better version now :D

Paul From Canada
10-31-2004, 08:00 AM
bump

ta'ao
10-31-2004, 08:07 AM
two words: klee shea