PDA

View Full Version : Song. Wrote it in 3 minutes, come take a look


FunknPunk
10-27-2004, 01:56 PM
(1)You said I brought out the worst in you
I always saw your B-side never knew the truth

I thought it a chore to be with you
Well I guess naivity witheld the truth

(2) Now it's over and
all is said and done
A weight off my shoulders
and yet no war has been won
I feel so much colder now
that you're not by my side
So I'll leave this house
and find my way and ride

(3)Through the streets of emptyness
I'll ride
On the avenue of humiliation I'll rest
my lonely mind
I feel so empty
I feel so empty
I never thought it'd happen to me now it happens
all the time
Burnt out deprevity I'm hoping someone will throw
out a line
I feel so empty
I feel so empty

(4) Through the streets of depravation
Another lonely Heartbreaker
A dilapitated ammunition factory now frozen
Another lonely lifetaker

The cracks in the sidewalk widen
Ilook around for you
When I look you're always hiding
Newsflash; no, nothing new

(3)Through the streets of emptyness
I'll ride
On the avenue of humiliation I'll rest
my lonely mind
I feel so empty
I feel so empty
I never thought it'd happen to me now it happens
all the time
Burnt out deprevity I'm hoping someone will throw
out a line
I feel so empty
I feel so empty

(1) verseone
(2) prechorus/lead-in
(3) Chorus
(4) Verse two

I'm thinking (in the 3 minutes I wrotethis ;) ) that the 1st verse would be pretty light instrumentally, the pre-chorus a little heavier, and the chorus pretty ****ed energetic.

Well, please criticize, as it is a work in progress... :wave:

FunknPunk
10-27-2004, 10:19 PM
jesus you could at least say it sucks... :lol:

Permanent Solution
10-29-2004, 11:10 PM
Reminds me a lot of Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Greenday. Pretty repetitive, which I am not a fan of generally. Diction level is also pretty basic. Could be more well-thought out to be more effective. Topic is overdone, of course. Could be more original, and some of your images could work out nicely, but it needs work.

TheGreatestView
10-29-2004, 11:24 PM
i liked it. only three minutes? good stuff. but anyways.. it does kind of have a repetitive pattern, which doesn't neccessarily make it bad, because i liked it, i just noticed the repetition, and all, that's really the only bad thing i ahd to say, is taht it ahd noticeable repeptition, but since despite that it was good, and written in just three minutes, nice work man. keep it up.

FunknPunk
10-30-2004, 08:04 AM
thanks guys :thumb:

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-30-2004, 10:38 AM
yeah, its not hard to tell you wrote this in 3 minutes, it was really cliched and had no depth whatsoever. i mean i guess if you wrote maybe 100 of them, that would take up about 5 hours, right? maybe you should go do that...

3/10

bre
10-30-2004, 10:48 AM
Well that was really harsh. This board kind of intimidates me to post my own lyrics now, he said criticism, but I think he meant more along the lines of CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Even so, that was bashing, not criticism. However, I have my own opinion for your lyrics as well: Personally, I like some repetition in songs, just as long as all of your songs don't have constant repetitiveness, yeah? Take Tool - Track 8 on Lateralus, Ticks and Leeches I think, I'm not sure:
Suck and suuuuuuuck.
Suckin up all you can suckin up all you can suck and suck.
Workin up under my patience like a little tick.
Fat little parasite.
Suuuuuck me dry.
...CONSTANT repetition, however the repetition in that song is really well thought out with rhythm. Or It's Been Awhile, by Staind for instance? Where every other break is It's Been Awhile. While I didn't see that much repetition in your song, I didn't see that much intensity or wisdom in it either. Try writing some lyrics that would actually touch someone, or be something people can relate to. In a whole though, I give your song, 6/10. :thumb:

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-30-2004, 10:51 AM
well, it mightve been a little harsh, but he shouldnt have said he wrote it in 3 minutes. saying that instantly means he put absolutely no thought into the song, so it cant be good. im not being cruel, im being honest.

Merkaba
10-30-2004, 12:32 PM
well, it mightve been a little harsh, but he shouldnt have said he wrote it in 3 minutes. saying that instantly means he put absolutely no thought into the song, so it cant be good. im not being cruel, im being honest.

So that autamtically means he should be ridiculed, persecuted and made to feel pain? So what if he wrote it in three minutes. plus writing songs quickly is a good exercise. Maybe he was wanting to find out more about some lines he should keep or discard. Just because everyone doesnt do what you like doesnt mean they should be subject to feel lesser than your mighty , i suppose three day song writing, self.

so bre, maybe sonnet should "Get off his fucking cross....we need that fucking space, to nail the next fool martyr..." - if youre a tool fan

Merkaba
10-30-2004, 12:41 PM
Bre, i read your crit of Sonnets song. Please dont insult Maynard again!
:lol: