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bassaholica2004
10-27-2004, 12:53 AM
This is a new song. I'm dropping the whole Death Metal thing for now, just going on what I feel. Crit it if you want, if not, please at least give it a rating.



Malignant issues surrounding me,
Closing me in, cutting off my air.
Nothing before has ever been so strange,
Nothingness inside, feelings of despair.

I know what is right, but not so what is wrong.
Feelings inside seem to melt away,
Numbing my mind with useless thoughts,
Delving me into to a brought-on decay.

The world outside seems gray for now,
Deep inside I feel the same.
Wasted moments tormenting me,
Forgotten times, egotistical fame.

Wrapping around me and closing my throat,
I feel trapped in, no way out.
Why does this happen? What have I done?
A bleak determination, no room for doubt.

Thinking of memories,
All the times I've missed.
Lessons of mortality,
Searching for a reason to exist.
Thoughts fade away,
Blood drips off my fingertips.
It is better this way,
The final eclipse.

Thoughts of nothingness invading,
I can feel the emptiness in me.
Ever searching for something,
For a valid reason to be.

Blindly forgoing eternity,
Risking myself to oblivion.
Crimson stains of supposed life,
The threads of life undone.

I am trapped inside a glass room,
Deep within my own mind.
Watching others live their lives,
Searching for reason they will not find.

The final thread is burning away,
Nothing I can do now.
Nothing I could have ever done,
To death, I avow.

Reminiscent thoughts,
Of a tortured eternity.
The one reality I was taught:
Death is finality.
Watching the blood,
Drip down my fingertips.
A moment of self-hate,
Final eclipse.

Sloth
10-27-2004, 12:39 PM
I really like the idea you have going here. The wording is awesome, in most of stanzas.


Everything up to this point \/ and some of it after that...is really good..

Thoughts of nothingness invading,
I can feel the emptiness in me.
Ever searching for something,
For a valid reason to be. meh... not so much.. this could be better


Searching for reason they will not find. do you mean "A reason" or "for reaonS" ?


To death, I avow. I don't like this line either.


Wrapping around me and closing my throat,
I feel trapped in, no way out.
Why does this happen? What have I done?
A bleak determination, no room
for doubt. I really like this stanza and the one following it.


overall... nice job.. it just needs a little editing, and it will be a solid piece...