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View Full Version : Transition Into Guilt, crit and ill crit you back


A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-25-2004, 10:54 PM
Ben Stivers
10/25/04

Transition Into Guilt

Tommorow I'll see you standing in the street
I wont hit the brakes.
I wont let you last.
Life has run you down and so will these blackened tires.
The chains have broken.

I take pride in the fact that I never gave into you
I'll take this pride to the grave.
I take pride in the fact that i never gave into you
I'll take this pride to the grave.
Take this torment that you put me through,
It feels like someone has pulled me apart.
When all you have is gone,
Will you still be mine?
Take this torment away.

Without fear and never turning my head,
I find it difficult to breath under these heavy clothes.
They are weighted down by my guilty conscience.
Now I'll lay you down.

I take pride in the fact that I never gave into you
I'll take this pride to the grave.
I take pride in the fact that i never gave into you
I'll take this pride to the grave.

I wont hit the brakes.
I'll take this pride to the grave.
Take this torment,
When all you have is gone,
Will you still be mine?
Will you still be mine?

Nightvision
10-25-2004, 11:05 PM
Tommorow I'll see you standing in the street
I wont hit the brakes.
I wont let you last.
Life has run you down and so will these blackened tires.
The chains have broken.

As I've come to expect from you, a brilliant first verse - only criticism is the use of the word blackened - most tyres (yeah, I'm english!) are black - perhaps a better adjective here - otherwise, immaculate.

I take pride in the fact that I never gave into you
I'll take this pride to the grave.
I take pride in the fact that i never gave into you
I'll take this pride to the grave.
Take this torment that you put me through,
It feels like someone has pulled me apart.
When all you have is gone,
Will you still be mine?
Take this torment away.

I liked this - once again, just to be nitpicky, I think the weakest line is the 'pulled me apart' line - it's a little cliche, but you could just about get away with it...

Without fear and never turning my head,
I find it difficult to breath under these heavy clothes.
They are weighted down by my guilty conscience.
Now I'll lay you down.

First and second lines don't gel together very well, but I get what you're trying to say - I think if you're going to change anything, it should be that second line.

I take pride in the fact that I never gave into you
I'll take this pride to the grave.
I take pride in the fact that i never gave into you
I'll take this pride to the grave.

Clever - just repeating the first part of the second stanza - gives a nice effect... this is a great little 'filler' section

I wont hit the brakes.
I'll take this pride to the grave.
Take this torment,
When all you have is gone,
Will you still be mine?
Will you still be mine?

A strong ending as well - asking questions at the end of a song is quite a nice technique to use if you want to leave the reader/listener hanging... very good.

Overall:
A great return to form, sonnet- really really good song, this one - aggressive, almost desperate sounding - there's a real air about the song that makes it menacing. I really enjoyed it.

Rating:
8.5/10 :thumb:


(If you fancy critting 'Manor Road', that'd be cool. Cheers. :) )

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-25-2004, 11:07 PM
you are always a great guy, and i will IN FACT, put off going to bed, just to crit your piece ;)

Nightvision
10-25-2004, 11:08 PM
Bed? What's that? It's 5:05am here... :upset:

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-25-2004, 11:16 PM
haha, insomniacs unite!

Nightvision
10-25-2004, 11:20 PM
bah, we'll rule the world soon enough - all the other bastards have to sleep - not us!

(although we're usually too tired to do buggar all, so this world domination thing will be a while coming...)

Cheers for the crit. :thumb:

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-25-2004, 11:21 PM
yeah you can tell im running low on fuel, after i looked back on what i said :)

Permanent Solution
10-25-2004, 11:22 PM
If you guys crit me I promise to crit you back before I go to bed...and word on the street is i give good e-head to boot...

/bribe :upset:

Nightvision
10-25-2004, 11:24 PM
you bump, I'll crit...

Thechristianslovetheirguns
10-26-2004, 04:04 PM
this is very good... i see no weaknesses here... it's all good... in fact it's hard to point out the best ones... the only thing i think it lacks is more rhyimes but it flows very good indeed

9/10

could you crit mine?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=5221602&posted=1#post5221602