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View Full Version : sharp fangs and burning eyes


idontcarewhatyouthink
10-25-2004, 07:35 PM
shes a dragon her flames burn my eyes
my loss of sight hides her lies
and when i try to open them up
the flames come close and they just shut

lies and deceite just one big stampede
it comes harder every day
i wish it would get
farther away
farther away
farther away

her fangs are sharp
her bites get boring
dull like my life
im so used used to mourning

lies and deciet
coupled with boring bites
make hard days
and even harder nights

dont let the fire catch you now
just close your eyes and wait it out

her fangs are sharp
her bites get boring
dull like my life
im so used used to mourning

lies and deciet
coupled with boring bites
make hard days
and even harder nights

run away and wake up tonight
just hurry up and turn on the lights
Turn on the lights 4x
(hurry up and turn on the lights)2x




I think the way i changed the dull like the knife that i used this morning made it seem darker then id like it and im not so sure it fits in but i can see how the butter knife part was stupid. I liked it a bit but maybe b
thats because im 15 and have a weird sense of humor

xKONRADx
10-25-2004, 11:57 PM
spend some more time and effort on this and you might get somewhere. or at least take the time to get rid of the typos.

idontcarewhatyouthink
10-26-2004, 04:08 PM
spend some more time and effort on this and you might get somewhere. or at least take the time to get rid of the typos.




Thanks for looking at it and i think i got all the typos

idontcarewhatyouthink
10-29-2004, 03:24 PM
anyone

idontcarewhatyouthink
11-01-2004, 04:47 PM
bump

espf-250htd06
11-01-2004, 05:01 PM
idk dude it dont jump out and get me a little cliche for example--make hard days
and even harder nights,it comes harder every day i wish it would get farther away alright i guess kinda tired so maybe thats why it dont jump out and get me not bad though for a starter 6/10

espf-250htd06
11-01-2004, 05:01 PM
oh yea crit my song past desires

IOWNU200
11-01-2004, 05:12 PM
alright, I like it except for a few parts, for example "dull as the butter knife I used this mornihg" I thought this line pretty lame. Some of the metaphors in the beggining were pretty cool. I don't really understand boring bites though. Anyway keep up the good work. Crit my song if you can, it dosen't have a title

deejuks2
11-01-2004, 05:20 PM
typical modern hard-rock "trying to be dark" lyrics. good job, if that's what your shooting for.

session9
11-01-2004, 05:36 PM
There's some comically-bad phrases in there, but maybe that's part of the fun. I envisage some Eurorock band playing this, with mullets a-plenty, and blinding guitar solos. A good laugh!

Steerpike
11-01-2004, 06:05 PM
There's good imagery, though it borders on the cliche at times. I don't know, but it seemed to lack a certain flare to it. There's good potential in it, but I couldn't find a particular passage that grabbed me.

The chorus (at least what I'm guessing is the chorus) didn't do much for me either, but there was a good start to it. I sometimes felt like the various choices of words were fighting with each other to decide on a particular mood or feeling the song was supposed to convey.

By the way, if you can spare a minute, I'd appreciate it if you'd give one of my works a glance. I'd appreciate any feedback.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=258714

i am the robots
11-01-2004, 06:15 PM
some good some cheesey. so yeah 5/10

idontcarewhatyouthink
11-02-2004, 06:10 PM
Thank you all for looking at it im working on it i just havent changed anything yet

idontcarewhatyouthink
11-04-2004, 06:31 PM
espf-250htd06 i am trying to find our song but i cant so if you read this can you please give a link because maybe i cant read but i couldnt find anyhting


Anyne feel free to tell me what you think the more opinions the better

Syncope
11-04-2004, 07:46 PM
It sucks if you don't care what I think.

idontcarewhatyouthink
11-05-2004, 01:19 PM
It sucks if you don't care what I think.




well i do care

idontcarewhatyouthink
11-08-2004, 05:39 PM
This is my favorite song of mine that i wrote and probably my best so far so i just want some more opinions.

morrissey
11-08-2004, 05:55 PM
Well, I suppose it is good that you are staying on topic throughout the whole song, but it gets really repetitive... by the end, I understand that she has sharp teeth, now... move on :).

her bites get boring <--- yes, they do.

It could be alot better if you incorporated something else, but... maybe it just isn't my style.

Overall 5/10

idontcarewhatyouthink
11-09-2004, 01:07 PM
thanks morrissey that was a funny way of telling me that my song was repetitive and ill work on it

morrissey
11-09-2004, 07:24 PM
Hey no problem... (are you making fun of me? :upset: )...

idontcarewhatyouthink
11-10-2004, 03:16 PM
Hey no problem... (are you making fun of me? :upset: )...





uh if i am it was without my knowlege so no i am not

espf-250htd06
11-10-2004, 06:19 PM
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=262876

theres my new one drop a crit on it cause it needs one to get it going kinda thanks ill cya lata

idontcarewhatyouthink
02-02-2005, 06:53 PM
so what do you people think of this im just looking for new opinions since its been such a long time

A_Perfect_Sonnet
02-02-2005, 07:11 PM
Bump from the dead! I'll crit later.

GreenDayFrk88
02-02-2005, 07:13 PM
good song. Needs a little more restructuring, but i liked it. Im starting writing music so im not the greatest one to ask for advice. But i liked it and ill give it a 7/10

idontcarewhatyouthink
02-02-2005, 07:23 PM
thanks greedayfrk and thanks ahead of time perfect sonnet

BrokenSaint
02-02-2005, 07:33 PM
well everyone else covered what I was going to say. I like your style I just think you need to develop it more and get away from cliches. Also I really dislike "Boring bites". Just sounds weak. Good core ideas here though 7/10

idontcarewhatyouthink
02-02-2005, 07:45 PM
well everyone else covered what I was going to say. I like your style I just think you need to develop it more and get away from cliches. Also I really dislike "Boring bites". Just sounds weak. Good core ideas here though 7/10





thank you