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View Full Version : starting up again, need critz


Paul From Canada
10-25-2004, 06:43 PM
Alright i jsut started writting stuff again after almost a year of not doing so. This peice i found in my older writings. I know it lacks a few things like a definate structure or ryhming scheme but bear with me please. Tell me what you think, how much it blows, whatever but please leave reasons why. Im currently working on another one and am trying to make it actually good and will post it sometime in the near future.

Untitled

watched you from far away
never daring to look you straight into your eyes
in fear of rejection, so i held back from telling you
held you up on this pedistal out of sight
and out of reach, of just a friend
i didnt want to hear the bitter refusal
but i didnt receive that
i told you
put myself out on the line
just to be ignored, not even brought in or cut down
you never talked
never mentioned
as if nothing was ever said
i knew there was no chance and tried anyways
hoping for some kind of response
but not a word
not even the courtesy to let me know
that there wasn't any interest
but i guess thats the way it should be
if you're like that than im better off alone.

kerazay
10-26-2004, 08:44 AM
Alright... I don't normally give long crits but I think this one deserves it because I know how hard it is to start writing again after a long absence.
A lot of people-including myself-will be able to relate to this. It's good that you haven't made it that complex so that people will be able to pick up on the meaning, but there are some faults that I would like to point out. Not really faults but just parts that could use some work.

watched you from far away
never daring to look you straight into your eyes
in fear of rejection, so i held back from telling you
held you up on this pedistal out of sight"

Wow what an opening. I was really impressed by this. It flows well without any particular rhyme scheme or structure, which to me shows a trait of a person confident in his art. Having read your opening four lines I was looking forward to reading a piece that still hung onto the same meaning while still using the same sort of language-strong. But you seemed to lose it after these lines:

and out of reach, of just a friend
i didnt want to hear the bitter refusal

This is where I have things to point out. It was great up until that but then you started to lose the flow.

but i didnt receive that
i told you
put myself out on the line
just to be ignored, not even brought in or cut down
you never talked
never mentioned
as if nothing was ever said
i knew there was no chance and tried anyways
hoping for some kind of response

What happened man? It was SO GOOD up until this! Yeah this part still isn't bad but it lacks the strength in tone and language that the other lines I mentioned had. If you can change these about while still conveying the basic meaning I think you'll have one heck of a song.

but i guess thats the way it should be
if you're like that than im better off alone.

Extremely weak way to end this, in comparison to your strong introduction. Scrap it completely. Other than that I say not bad after a year's absence. Again, your opening shows a strong talent and if you use this throughout the entire piece then I think you'll definitely have one heck of a song. I give it a 7/10. Hope I was able to help, and post it back on the forums when you have it done again!

Thechristianslovetheirguns
10-26-2004, 03:55 PM
i like the theme of the song and the way it's described... but it's kinda weak in flowing and the lack of rhyming... well i gotta say i don't like this a lot...needs some work in my opinion...

i think you could have good material here if you gave it some structure

could you crit mine?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=5221602&posted=1#post5221602

Paul From Canada
10-26-2004, 08:53 PM
Thanks for the input man. Im currently working on another peice right now and dont really want to leave it half baked so i'll put this one on the backburner and tear it down to re-write it when im done. Thanks alot for the critz again, theres no way to learn unless you know what your doing wrong:D.