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View Full Version : cross your eyes pre-alpha


broken jaw club
10-25-2004, 03:49 PM
i know everyone hates this kind of thing, but let me know what you think anyway.
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if i wrote down every horrible thing
you've ever said about me
i'd be up all night
and never sleep again
you hit me hard like a heart attack
that's all it took that's all it takes
to rip my heart out so...
cross your eyes hope i die
stick a needle through my heart
watch me bleed 'cuz i cant see
why you're doing this to me.
you cut me up like a valentine
left my ink to run you bled me dry
your kiss is like your makeup
as real as you want it to be
you may have brains but you've got no heart
if first is worst, then second must be dead.

Nightvision
10-25-2004, 03:56 PM
I don't quite get what this is (as in song/poem etc) but I'm liking what I'm reading - you managed to avoid the really stereotypical cliche, and although there are a few dodgy bits in there, it's a very good start on here - arguably one of the best 'first posts' I've seen.

7/10

TheOpeningAct101
10-25-2004, 04:23 PM
all in all pretty good... i mean, it could use some rounding off here and there, but over all good job. i agree with jason and like how you avoided the usely tone of a poem like this.

broken jaw club
10-26-2004, 10:29 AM
I don't quite get what this is (as in song/poem etc) but I'm liking what I'm reading - you managed to avoid the really stereotypical cliche, and although there are a few dodgy bits in there, it's a very good start on here - arguably one of the best 'first posts' I've seen.

7/10

yeah, it's a song i wrote a bit ago and have been wondering about. heavily palm muted verse from "if i wrote down..." to "rip my heart out..." and then a very loud chorus consisting of the whole "cross your eyes hope i die" bit. thanks for your input.

Thechristianslovetheirguns
10-26-2004, 02:41 PM
i think it's more of a poem than a song... and it's not really complete...well if it is it's a bit short...

anyway i like it.. it's kinda weak till the "rip my heart out" line but then it gets very good...nice writting...

8/10

could you crit mine back?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=5221329#post5221329

broken jaw club
10-26-2004, 11:58 PM
i appreciate the crit.