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killfile
10-25-2004, 03:35 AM
Day 20
Our challenger continues her journey
Slowly
She is becoming accustomed to loneliness

And everything that comes with that
Like it's your second pack of cigs today
And how much coffee did you say you went through?
Yeah, everything that comes with that

Gather the whole family around the TV!
Observe the protagonist fall!
Observe the protagonist fall!
Observe the protagonist fall!

Day 21
Our heroine nears her goal
Methodically
She strips off herself everything that mattered

Like memories of the words he used to say
Or the way his eyes would glow at sunrise
Girl, dance in the ashes of yesterday
Yeah, memories of the words he used to say

Look, honey, it's the finale!
Observe the protagonist fail!
Observe the protagonist fail!
Observe the protagonist fail!
------------
Look, ma. Screamo. I dont even know if this fits the screamo genre. I dont even ****ing listen to screamo. I just want to play these powerchords, right, and then do all this weird timing, and have a cool song structure, and then scream the 'observe' bits while not screaming the verse bits but sounding angry anyway. I'll play some octave chords, too.
Yeah so this is me trying something new so please if you took the time to read this far just give me a word or two on what you thought. Its me being experimental so dont be afraid to be harsh.

upthebracket
10-25-2004, 01:39 PM
personally I quite like the style you used, like in this part

Like it's your second pack of cigs today
And how much coffee did you say you went through?

but i don't like the 'day 20' parts, I just can't picture how they would sound in a song unless spoken... I wouldn't say it sounds like an angry song, so I dunno about the screaming, and the chorus could maybe be a bit stronger... still pretty good though 6.5/10

CrashingDown213
10-25-2004, 03:50 PM
Day 20
Our challenger continues her journey
Slowly
She is becoming accustomed to loneliness
Day 21
Our heroine nears her goal
Methodically
She strips off herself everything that mattered
These two stanzas were excellent but the rest of it was repititive and boring.
Nice start though, keep writing.

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-25-2004, 03:55 PM
Day 20
Our challenger continues her journey
Slowly
She is becoming accustomed to loneliness

--i didnt really see this as bad or good. nothing special though, it just didnt seem like a proper opening to a song.

And everything that comes with that
Like it's your second pack of cigs today
And how much coffee did you say you went through?
Yeah, everything that comes with that

--this verse didnt make sense, i mean your talking about a journey of some sort, even if it is metaphorical you should at least refer back to it you know? or at least try and tie into one.

Gather the whole family around the TV!
Observe the protagonist fall!
Observe the protagonist fall!
Observe the protagonist fall!

--makes no sense.

Day 21
Our heroine nears her goal
Methodically
She strips off herself everything that mattered

--im not exactly sure about this verse, i mean some of the lines worked, but then i look back at it and its like "what sense did this make?"

Like memories of the words he used to say
Or the way his eyes would glow at sunrise
Girl, dance in the ashes of yesterday
Yeah, memories of the words he used to say

--just like the other verse, didnt tie into anything.

Look, honey, it's the finale!
Observe the protagonist fail!
Observe the protagonist fail!
Observe the protagonist fail!

--still doesnt make sense.

the whole journal thing with the days is a cool concept, but you didnt really do anything to pull it off. if you kept writing like this youd probably get the hang of it

5/10