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factor46
10-24-2004, 03:03 PM
A Longing Wish, and a Full Moon

Yes, write your name down,
I’ll need it when I change mine.
Just remember the thought you had,
When I told you, you couldn’t think.
Because you fell for your morality,
And helped yourself to failure,
Not only have you left your shell,
But you gave it to your murderer.
With the aimless path, you call a plan,
It’s like selling your heart to a dead man.
And avoidance is the killer,
But it that kills, is the heart itself.
And pretending to believe,
Is like a bird in search of bullet,
Though he did not know, that the bullet was made of felt.
And though you did not show,
It’s jealousy that’s your commander.

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please crit. :D

funkywhiteboy
10-24-2004, 08:07 PM
I couldn't pick out the main idea in this thing.. it was a bit too confusing. Some seperation of the lines there mighta helped that I think. It sounds like a sad emo-ish kinda song maybe, but again, the way it flows right now seems more like a poem than a song. 6/10

iTim387
10-24-2004, 08:42 PM
I could hear a band like Thursday singing this. A lot of their songs don't have choruses or parts that repeats. I liked it. 8/10.

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-24-2004, 09:37 PM
dude, how many of thursdays songs dont have a repeated part? i really cant think of more than a few

iTim387
10-24-2004, 10:28 PM
umm lets see...concealer, autobiography of a nation, a hole in the world, then there's a few from "war all the time" but I can't remember the track names. Yeah, not as many as I thought, but way more than most bands.

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-24-2004, 10:34 PM
what about bright eyes?

killfile
10-25-2004, 03:32 AM
Heeey I liked this one. Really - great title, and good lyrics. **** repeated parts. This song sounds a little Obersty to me, too, which rocks of course. Good job.

factor46
10-25-2004, 04:43 AM
thanks everybody.
yeah, i dont really do the whole, repeat thing, in my songs anymore. i like writing them out as a story. yeah.
anymore crits would be appreciated. :D

espf-250htd06
10-25-2004, 06:51 PM
iam sorry but idk what is about
sounds like its about a girl but dont get the them crit back to me iam interested pretty interesting lyrics and if you would crit my new song level ground

CSD & the Soul Machines
10-25-2004, 11:50 PM
This is pretty good. I like the descriptive lines used throughout the whole thing. Sometimes it may drift into being too nebulous for it to be easily picked up on by the common viewer, but I understand it and it's not bad. I like this more as a poem though. Thx for checking out mine. Good stuff.

factor46
10-26-2004, 04:21 AM
thanks. :D i guess it could be a poem, but it was more intended for a hardcore-ish song.


anymore?

theBOYinTHEcorner
10-27-2004, 08:28 PM
not bad but it seems like a poem more than a song i still dig it though check out my song "songs that don't exist"