PDA

View Full Version : Self Portrait (final version) critiques please :)


sliver
10-24-2004, 09:25 AM
Well I think I have posted this song before, but I think this is the final version, as these are the words we recorded on my bands EP (no turning back now :D)

Comments? I'm thinking of changing the line

a fucking dream

to:

another dream

as my mother was really really upset that I swore in my song, and I think it's just as good. :lol: Plus I haven't sworn in any of my other songs, so it might just be better not to at all...?

Self Portrait

I see myself; a sickle cell
A crimson sun, a broken Son
Iíve seen the word; the mouth, the life
A loverís sigh, a hidden knife
I see the blood; the tainted glass
A feint reflection I chase
I come apart, a man apart
I come apart at the seams
read my portrait, paint the line

Fall, hopelessly in love
I cut the cord but how I miss the way the subtleties taste
And every I compromise I make I tear a whole in my face

I see myself; a single cell
A crimson stream, a broken scream
Iíve read the book; 2 minute cures
A fucking dream, a magazine
I heard the call; (echo) my own, my all
A feint reflection I chase.
I hear a song I canít digest
Iím drifting out of a dream.

pixiesfanyo
10-24-2004, 09:35 AM
Good Job. Not really my stuff, but it's good modern rock I guess.

CrashingDown213
10-24-2004, 10:11 AM
I'd say definetly change it to another dream, cause fvck isn't really needed and it would keep it clean.
The song itself was pretty good, I'd like to hear it.
If you can post a link of it.

sliver
10-24-2004, 10:08 PM
I'd say definetly change it to another dream, cause fvck isn't really needed and it would keep it clean.
The song itself was pretty good, I'd like to hear it.
If you can post a link of it.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/4/stilllifetorontomusic.htm

here ya go dude

Shady Ultima
10-24-2004, 10:28 PM
The lyrics are good, and the song is REALLY GOOD, only thing I would change lyrics wise would be the **** part. And for the music, the only thing I don't like is the really high part, you can't understand the words AT ALL. I had to read it to understand it. Still it's good. I like the song 9/10

metaliq
10-24-2004, 10:35 PM
Yea man, looking good... Can you go through and fix the fvck from the recording? If not, it sounds fine... but I do prefer the swearing at a minimal.

I liked the song. Not much really to improve upon. I liked the rhyming scheme... it really goes well to the music. Reading it alone, its hard to pick up on the rhythm. But hey, I liked the choice of vocab and flow. Keep it up. Check out Chaplain if you would be so kind.

Also, on the recording, did you do multiple recordings to go that effect? Sounds layered.

Edit: Im pretty sure this doesnt make sense... "And every I compromise"

Merkaba
10-24-2004, 11:15 PM
Good job. I like it. As far as the fvck goes. I mean thats all up to you.

btw, what do you use to record with, software wise? I dont think audacity is gonna cut it.

...........

Now that i listened to it, i like it more! good job. Good rasp on the scream too. need to let the guys in the jam session hear that. hehe. :thumb:

sliver
10-25-2004, 07:33 AM
Yea man, looking good... Can you go through and fix the fvck from the recording? If not, it sounds fine... but I do prefer the swearing at a minimal.

I liked the song. Not much really to improve upon. I liked the rhyming scheme... it really goes well to the music. Reading it alone, its hard to pick up on the rhythm. But hey, I liked the choice of vocab and flow. Keep it up. Check out Chaplain if you would be so kind.

Also, on the recording, did you do multiple recordings to go that effect? Sounds layered.

Edit: Im pretty sure this doesnt make sense... "And every I compromise"

Now that I'm thinking about it I wish I hadn't sworn but I couldn't think of a substitution when we were recording. It's kind of too late to go fix it now... we did it at this guys studio, I guess I could go fix it but I'd have to drive alllllll the way downtown heh.

And yes, many, many layers of recordings :D

I'll try and look for chaplain? Is that the name of the song lyric?

Good job. I like it. As far as the fvck goes. I mean thats all up to you.

btw, what do you use to record with, software wise? I dont think audacity is gonna cut it.

...........

Now that i listened to it, i like it more! good job. Good rasp on the scream too. need to let the guys in the jam session hear that. hehe. :thumb:

Yah it was all done on the computer with the program "Logic" :D and thanks, I like how the scream turned out as well.