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Merkaba
10-24-2004, 02:46 AM
Concrete Rose

(slow and dragging...adagio sostenuto...??)

Beautiful, yet
so sad
i watched you bloom, from the most unfertile grounds
truley Im,
so glad
youre pushing through, the toughest surface

To bend in the wind, of changing fate
teardrops of morning due
Drain with the rain, but in the sun you bathe
the very same sun that burns you

Eventually
I know
you will not remain
here with me
its too hard to grow
coming from where you came

Hold on, just
a little more
to the hands of time, making fists at you
stillborn, and touched
by the storm, resurrecting you
whatever the weather

try as i might, to transplant you
move you to a new home
anchored tight, i break the roots
breaking my skin on your thorns

Eventually
I know
you will not remain
here with me
its too hard to grow
coming from where you came

persistance against resistance
taking residence in the pestilence
thriving, when hope is dying
attention payed
when to the cost most are negligent

receive your sweet destiny

sliver
10-24-2004, 10:21 AM
I really like it, reminds me of my last my relationship :upset:

The futility of trying to change a person, into someone they can't be.

CrashingDown213
10-24-2004, 11:06 AM
This song was excellent, and the slow pace goes very well with it.
Eventually
I know
you will not remain
here with me
its too hard to grow
coming from where you came
This was my favorite part of the song, especially the last two lines.

Other than that, I really don't have anything, didn't find much wrong.
Good Job 9/10

Merkaba
10-26-2004, 01:26 AM
Thanks guys.

Bump stickity bump stickity bump hun
i got that ol' parrrump a pum pum
But i can fee fi your fo, diddly bum here I go
so peter piper, Im hyper than pinocchio's nose
cause im a superkalafrajalistic tic tac pro
I gave a oopsie daisy, now you got the crazy drezy with the books
googly goo wheres the gravey
so one two, um buckle my um,
shoe yaba doo hippity hoo crack a brew
so trick or treat smell my feet yep I drippity drop the hit
so books get on your mark and spark that old censorship

Drats and double drats, I smiggedy-smacked some whiz kids
The boogedy-woogedly Brooklyn boy's about to get his, dig
My waist bone's connected to my hip bone
My hip bone's connected to my thigh bone
My thigh bone's connected to my knee bone
My knee bone's connected to my hardy har har har
The jibbedy jabber jaw ja-jabbing at your funny bone, um
Skip the ovaltine, I'd rather have a honeycomb
Or preferably the sesame, Let's spiggedy spark the blunts, um
Dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun

They want EFX, some live EFX
They want EFX, some live EFX
They want EFX, some live EFX
Snap a neck for some live EFX

Well I'll be darned, shiver me timbers, yo head for the hills
I picked a weeping willow, and a daffodil
So back up bucko or I'll pulverize McGruff
'Cause this little piggy gets busy and stuff
Arribederci, heavens to mercy, honky tonk I get swift
I caught a snuffleufagus and smoked a boogaloo spliff
I got the nooks, the cranies, the nitty gritty forty yo so
All aboard, cast away, hey where's my boogaloo?
Oh I'm steaming, a-go-ny
Why's everybody always picking on me
They call me Puddin' Tane, and rap's my game
You ask me again and I'll just tell you the same
'Cause I'm the vulgar vegemitarian, so um, stick 'em up freeze
So no Park sausages, Mom, please
A-blitz shoots the breeze, Willy D shoots his lip
Crazy drezy shot the Sheriff, yup and I shot the gift
And that's pretty sneaky, sis oh yep
I got my socks off, my rocks off, my Nestle's cup of cocoa
Holly hobby tried to slob me, tried to rob me silly stunt
Diggedy-dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun

They want EFX, some live EFX
They want EFX, some live EFX
They want EFX, some live EFX
Snap a neck for some live EFX

Yahoo, hidee-ho yup I'm coming around the stretch
So here Fido boy, fetch, boy, fetch
I got the rope-a-dope a slippery choker, look at me get raw
And I'm the hickory-dickory top of morning boogoloo big jaw
With the yippety zippety Winnie the Pooh bad boy blue,
Yo crazy got the gusto, what up, I swing that too
So nincompoop give a hoot and stomp a troop without a strain
Like Roscooooe P. Coltraaane
I spiggedy-spark a spiff and give a twist like Chubby Checker
I take my Froot Loops with two scoops, and make it a double decker
Oh Vince, the baby come to Papa Duke
A babaloo, ooh, a babaloo boogedy boo
I went from Gucci to Stucci, to fliggedy-flam a groupie
To Zsa Zsa, to yibbedy-yabba dabba hoochie koochie
Tally ho hop, I'll take my Stove Top instead of potatoes, so
Maybe I'll shoot 'em now, nope maybe I'll shoot 'em later, yep
I used to have a dog and Bingo was his name oh, so uh
B - I - N - G - O-oh
You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, hon, so uh
Dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun

They want EFX, some live EFX
They want EFX, some live EFX
They want EFX, some live EFX
Snap a neck for some live EFX

Thechristianslovetheirguns
10-27-2004, 10:56 AM
this is good:

To bend in the wind, of changing fate
teardrops of morning due
Drain with the rain, but in the sun you bathe
the very same sun that burns you

this is very good:

try as i might, to transplant you
move you to a new home
anchored tight, i break the roots
breaking my skin on your thorns

the rest maintains the level...it's a bit abstract but easy to read and it sounds\flows pretty musical...keep it up

8.5/10 (thanx for crit my song)

justpaul28
04-17-2005, 03:40 PM
Really cool song, the imagery used for it makes it clear aswell

Rushki Smushki
04-17-2005, 09:17 PM
Bump stickity bump stickity bump hun
i got that ol' parrrump a pum pum
But i can fee fi your fo, diddly bum here I go
so peter piper, Im hyper than pinocchio's nose
cause im a superkalafrajalistic tic tac pro
I gave a oopsie daisy, now you got the crazy drezy with the books
googly goo wheres the gravey
so one two, um buckle my um,
shoe yaba doo hippity hoo crack a brew
so trick or treat smell my feet yep I drippity drop the hit
so books get on your mark and spark that old censorship


Yes, very good opening...i like the integration of "superkalafrajalistic" into the 5th line. Very good rhyming there too. Fantastic flow through the last 4 lines, very impressed Merk...A great voice and an imagination too match.


Drats and double drats, I smiggedy-smacked some whiz kids
The boogedy-woogedly Brooklyn boy's about to get his, dig

Good opening lines...very powerful statements. I think your work really makes the reader walk away thinking. Kinda like a good book...Fantastic use of the "-oogedy" suffix, always had a thing for oog...

My waist bone's connected to my hip bone
My hip bone's connected to my thigh bone
My thigh bone's connected to my knee bone
My knee bone's connected to my hardy har har har
The jibbedy jabber jaw ja-jabbing at your funny bone, um
Skip the ovaltine, I'd rather have a honeycomb

I feel that i can really relate to these lines...I dont know, its one of those things that really hits home and feels right. I mean, thighbone connected to the kneebone? where do you get this, man! Beautiful work. I really think you're on a winner here. My god...you are an artist my friend, Honeycomb>Ovaltine, EASY. Milo ain't too bad, but i see where you're coming from with this stanza...

...
...
...

Okay, im just going to drop this before i make any more of an idiot of myself... :D

Your actual piece, ill do a proper crit in a minute :rolleyes:. But ill say now, its great. But ill save all this praisey stuff for later...

:thumb:
-smush'

Rushki Smushki
04-18-2005, 10:23 PM
Yo'

I promised a crit in a minute, sorry that it ended up taking so long.

Concrete Rose

May as well start with the title. Very good. After readin' through the piece, i looked at this again and did that "see, now why the can't i thinka stuff like that?" routine...:evil:

=P

But still, you've got a great idea in this piece. I'll start of by saying that.

*Beautiful, yet
*so sad
*I watched you bloom, from the most unfertile grounds
*truley Im,
*so glad
*youre pushing through, the toughest surface

Good opening. Although, at this point, on the first run through...i was still tossing up between a guy with a song about a girl, or a guy with a Botany fascination :rolleyes:. But either way, I like what you're saying here. You've planted the roots of a good story (Gosh darnit, im just so clever...*sigh*) :D

*To bend in the wind, of changing fate
*teardrops of morning due
*Drain with the rain, but in the sun you bathe
*the very same sun that burns you

Yarr...very nice. Took me a bit of thinking for the 3rd/4th line, but i got there. Very good...er...metaphoricalismation :naughty: :confused:

*Eventually
*I know
*you will not remain
*here with me
*its too hard to grow
*coming from where you came

Once again want to comment on the Idea you've got driving this...im really liking it.

*Hold on, just
*a little more
*to the hands of time, making fists at you
*stillborn, and touched
*by the storm, resurrecting you
*whatever the weather

"To the hands of time, shaking fists at you." Favourite line, by far.

*try as i might, to transplant you
*move you to a new home
*anchored tight, i break the roots
*breaking my skin on your thorns

If i say anything here, im just going to be repeating myself.

...

So i will! Very good verse. Really like the last line, wraps up the section well.

*Eventually
*I know
*you will not remain
*here with me
*its too hard to grow
*coming from where you came

woohoo! a Chorus. And being the chorus, its not annoying me one bit! Congrats, that takes a helluva bunch of lines to have a stanza im willing to re-read. =}

*persistance against resistance
*taking residence in the pestilence
*thriving, when hope is dying
*attention payed
*when to the cost most are negligent

When i first ran through this, i thought the "-ance"/"-ence" rhyming you've got here was going to be my favourite thing to bash. I was mistaken...:upset: No bashin' for you. I've had a change of...um...rhyming tolerance :)

What you've written is constantly building on itself, and not straying from the point. You've used excellent metaphoricla- ...um... whatever i said before, and its just a very nice read. Also have to say, that you're rhyming scheme in the verses is very interesting. Beat the hell out of the usual thing we see around here.

Rhyming appeals to me when its not soaking the lyrics in predictable patterns, by the same token, if a song doesn't need rhyming and is still readable, the writers winning many Rushki points. You've got both. And you've crammed it into this piece and made it perfect. Just enough of both worlds...

*Receive your sweet destiny ... 10/10 :D

Oh, and by the way, even though i still can't get it right, thanks for all your help with the screaming and singing stuff in the Jam Session. We're all in debt to you in that forum in some shape or form...

Consider yourself awesome...:chug:

Great Work with Concrete Rose :thumb:

-smush'

TheHonkingClown
04-19-2005, 02:27 AM
why is everyone writing crappy emo music. this is making me sick.

Corupt2057
04-19-2005, 09:06 AM
Beautiful, yet
so sad
i watched you bloom, from the most unfertile grounds
truley Im,
so glad
youre pushing through, the toughest surface
(sounds good as the toughest ground)

To bend in the wind, of changing fate
teardrops of morning due
Drain with the rain, but in the sun you bathe
the very same sun that burns you
(brilliant)

Eventually
I know
you will not remain
here with me
its too hard to grow
coming from where you came
(eh last line may need to change..)

Hold on, just
a little more
to the hands of time, making fists at you
stillborn, and touched
by the storm, resurrecting you
whatever the weather
(3rd line awesome; verse is a buildup)

try as i might, to transplant you
move you to a new home
anchored tight, i break the roots
breaking my skin on your thorns
(kinda detoured from your more poetic wording this works but I think you need to bring that poetry back to it..)

persistance against resistance
taking residence in the pestilence
thriving, when hope is dying
attention payed
when to the cost most are negligent
(good start very powerful, ending is a little eh)

I apologize I didn't give a decent crit but I really just didn't have much to say..