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DoubtingVada
10-23-2004, 07:34 PM
Writers block sucks. Tear this to pieces, I know it's clichť and awkward and all that. I just can't fix it.

Leave a link, I'll crit you back.

A numbing distraction
In two dimensions
Itís a strobe light in a black box
The sharp audio tracks
Make me wince a little
But they donít make painkillers like this anymore

You can still find traces
Of the 80ís
In a torn chain link fence
Or fluorescent concrete
In a black light

I feel like Iím 17 in 1993
Simple and superficial
But not so naive
Truth is beautiful and cleansing
But lies are so attractive
If only ...

If only my scissors could cut away
The least appealing calendar months
Or my pomegranate lips
Refused to spill another bitter exaggeration

Breathe no more sweet sulphur
Taste no more liquored deceit
Wear no more silver-studded
Inequities

And maybe, for a few hours
I could sleep

Blue Light Special
10-23-2004, 08:50 PM
A numbing distraction
In two dimensions
Itís a strobe light in a black box
The sharp audio tracks
Make me wince a little
But they donít make painkillers like this anymore


First thing first. The last line does not seem to flow with the rest. Neither does the second line for some reason. I really like the imagery in this stanza. Good job there.


You can still find traces
Of the 80ís
In a torn chain link fence
Or fluorescent concrete
In a black light


This stanza now does not fit at all with the other... You should normally have some structure that flows throughout the entire piece. So far I am not seeing it. I do like the reoccurance of "black" in your topic. It adds to your song. Repition.


I feel like Iím 17 in 1993
Simple and superficial
But not so naive
Truth is beautiful and cleansing
But lies are so attractive
If only ...


I dont like this one. The imagery is not as strong, and it seems out of place from the other ones. However the structure does line up with the preceding stanza. This leaves the first stanza as the oddball.


If only my scissors could cut away
The least appealing calendar months
Or my pomegranate lips
Refused to spill another bitter exaggeration


Love the imagery. But again, your flow is getting all weird on me.


Breathe no more sweet sulphur
Taste no more liquored deceit
Wear no more silver-studded
Inequities


Seems to get cut off short. You may need another full line. The last little bit, I would just cut out completely. Inequities also seems like an odd word to use.

Good job though, I did love the imagery the flow could just use A LOT of work. However everything is creative style. You can do what you want, I only suggested different things I would change if given the chance.

Happy writing.


Crit mine.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=5183988#post5183988

Sade
10-23-2004, 09:04 PM
A numbing distraction
In two dimensions
Itís a strobe light in a black box
The sharp audio tracks
Make me wince a little
But they donít make painkillers like this anymore

For some reason, I'm getting the mental image of insectry. I don't exactly know why, it's a sweet opening though, with an accusation, and declarative statement. You usually should open with a declarative statement-most writers do this subconciously, but it's a good technique none the less!

You can still find traces
Of the 80ís
In a torn chain link fence
Or fluorescent concrete
In a black light

Whoah, this is awesome. a time reference, and like- a real world one. I LOVE IT! I always try to work reality stuff in, can never do it though...GREAT job!

I feel like Iím 17 in 1993
Simple and superficial
But not so naive
Truth is beautiful and cleansing
But lies are so attractive
If only ...

Again, you're able to do what I cannot-! good job.

If only my scissors could cut away
The least appealing calendar months
Or my pomegranate lips
Refused to spill another bitter exaggeration

I love the ryhme, it's not readable, but it's a detectable flow-plus the word choice is very eloquent.

Breathe no more sweet sulphur
Taste no more liquored deceit
Wear no more silver-studded
Inequities

I would put Inequities after silver studded, makes it flow MUCh better, unless you want the jagged effect, it's a great stanza none-the-less.

And maybe, for a few hours
I could sleep

I love the way this closes, I often have dreams about living in the 80's, so I can really relate. Great job on this, I love the encorperation of time periods, simply marvelous imagery.


haha, and of course-why don't you drop "Sunsheild" a crit? thanks love!

DoubtingVada
10-24-2004, 02:25 PM
Thank you, and bump.

I'm off to crit you both :)

Permanent Solution
10-24-2004, 02:44 PM
A numbing distraction
In two dimensions
Itís a strobe light in a black box
The sharp audio tracks
Make me wince a little
But they donít make painkillers like this anymore
---3rd line...great image, I like that a lot. I didn't quite see where you were going in the firs two lines though. Everything was pretty good though, even if I didn't get it :)

You can still find traces
Of the 80ís
In a torn chain link fence
Or fluorescent concrete
In a black light
---I know they are very different...but I wonder if there isn't a way to not use black box/light between these two sections. Good imagery and such, but I would try not to repeat black if possible, it may not be.

I feel like Iím 17 in 1993
Simple and superficial
But not so naive
Truth is beautiful and cleansing
But lies are so attractive
If only ...
---First line is meh on flow terms, really long. Juxtaposition of lines 4/5 has nice contrast.

If only my scissors could cut away
The least appealing calendar months
Or my pomegranate lips
Refused to spill another bitter exaggeration
---Last two lines=:thumb: More good imagery, etc...don't know what else to say...

Breathe no more sweet sulphur
Taste no more liquored deceit
Wear no more silver-studded
Inequities
---Interesting, but for me it's just words...well-worded though mind you.

And maybe, for a few hours
I could sleep
---Pretty decent closing

Wow, I don't know what to say, it seems pretty good in my head, but I really wasn't that much of a fan. It seemed to be missing the classic feeling I get in your poems, kind of written without any emotion in it. Noticeably weaker diction than is usually found in your pieces, which is still better than many other writers, but not up to your standard. I dunno, just reading it I really got no feel of connection to it like I usually do...sorry :upset:

Link:http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=5186572&posted=1#post5186572
Maybe you will like that one better than my anti-religion spouting? maybe not... :upset: