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View Full Version : First song please crit it.


Richy833
10-23-2004, 02:12 PM
Ok its my first song.
I call it Hey There People!

Hey there, people, I'm Bobby Brown
They say I'm the cutest boy in town
My car is fast, my teeth is shiney
I tell all the girls they can kiss my heinie
Here I am at a famous school
I'm dressin' sharp 'n' I'm
actin' cool
I got a cheerleader here wants to help with my paper
Let her do all the work 'n' maybe later I'll rape her

Oh God I am the American dream
I do not think I'm too extreme
An' I'm a handsome sonofabitch
I'm gonna get a good job 'n' be real rich

get a good
get a good
get a good
get a good job

Women's Liberation
Came creepin' across the nation
I tell you people I was not ready
When I ****ed this dyke by the name of Freddie
She made a little speech then,
Aw, she tried to make me say "when"
She had my balls in a vice, but she left the dick
I guess it's still hooked on, but now it shoots too quick

Oh God I am the American dream
But now I smell like Vaseline
An' I'm a miserable sonofabitch
Am I a boy or a lady...I don't know which

I wonder wonder
wonder wonder

So I went out 'n' bought me a leisure suit
I jingle my change, but I'm still kinda cute
Got a job doin' radio promo
An' none of the jocks can even tell I'm a homo
Eventually me 'n' a friend
Sorta drifted along into S&M
I can take about an hour on the tower of power
'Long as I gets a little golden shower

Oh God I am the American dream
With a spindle up my butt till it makes me scream
An' I'll do anything to get ahead
I lay awake nights sayin', "Thank you, Fred!"
Oh God, oh God, I'm so fantastic!
Thanks to Freddie, I'm a sexual spastic
And my name is Bobby Brown
Watch me now, I'm goin down,
And my name is Bobby Brown
Watch me now, I'm goin down,

Please critisize.

TheBlackAcidChildren
10-23-2004, 02:19 PM
It's.... different. I'll certainly say that for it. To be honest it's kind of a relief from the usual sort of stuff you get on here. I often don't even look at any song that has the words "blood", "knife", "tears", "screaming", "crying", "darkness", "hate" or anything similar (seriously people, stop posting emo songs on here :lol: ). It's all been done before.
But this is inventive, original, and despite the explicit nature of the lyrics it's a pretty well-thought-out song. Some of the rhymes are a bit cliché. "School" and "cool" is way overdone.

streaksandskiesx
10-23-2004, 02:22 PM
dude, i would like to say i am very impressed b/c it is not anything that i usually read...well done...crit me back if u got a chance. http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=255628

Richy833
10-23-2004, 02:24 PM
Sweet :D

iTim387
10-23-2004, 02:53 PM
Sounds like it could be a Blink 182 song.

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-23-2004, 03:00 PM
i see you giving bull**** crits to everyone... you arent helping

Hey there, people, I'm Bobby Brown
They say I'm the cutest boy in town
My car is fast, my teeth is shiney
I tell all the girls they can kiss my heinie
Here I am at a famous school
I'm dressin' sharp 'n' I'm
actin' cool
I got a cheerleader here wants to help with my paper
Let her do all the work 'n' maybe later I'll rape her

--in the 3rd line, "is" should be "are". um... this is really pathetic, and if you are just posting this song to be gay you shouldnt of, because this looks like the work of a 3rd grader

Oh God I am the American dream
I do not think I'm too extreme
An' I'm a handsome sonofabitch
I'm gonna get a good job 'n' be real rich

--too cocky, who wants to listen to you say how you are great?

get a good
get a good
get a good
get a good job

Women's Liberation
Came creepin' across the nation
I tell you people I was not ready
When I ****ed this dyke by the name of Freddie
She made a little speech then,
Aw, she tried to make me say "when"
She had my balls in a vice, but she left the dick
I guess it's still hooked on, but now it shoots too quick

Oh God I am the American dream
But now I smell like Vaseline
An' I'm a miserable sonofabitch
Am I a boy or a lady...I don't know which

I wonder wonder
wonder wonder

So I went out 'n' bought me a leisure suit
I jingle my change, but I'm still kinda cute
Got a job doin' radio promo
An' none of the jocks can even tell I'm a homo
Eventually me 'n' a friend
Sorta drifted along into S&M
I can take about an hour on the tower of power
'Long as I gets a little golden shower

Oh God I am the American dream
With a spindle up my butt till it makes me scream
An' I'll do anything to get ahead
I lay awake nights sayin', "Thank you, Fred!"
Oh God, oh God, I'm so fantastic!
Thanks to Freddie, I'm a sexual spastic
And my name is Bobby Brown
Watch me now, I'm goin down,
And my name is Bobby Brown
Watch me now, I'm goin down,

--okay i couldnt crit the rest of it, because you know, it just sucks. its like you wanted people to insult you so you could say something stupid back to them, unless this is how you actually write, then id suggest a lot of practice.

1/10

Richy833
10-23-2004, 03:05 PM
i see you giving bull**** crits to everyone... you arent helping

Hey there, people, I'm Bobby Brown
They say I'm the cutest boy in town
My car is fast, my teeth is shiney
I tell all the girls they can kiss my heinie
Here I am at a famous school
I'm dressin' sharp 'n' I'm
actin' cool
I got a cheerleader here wants to help with my paper
Let her do all the work 'n' maybe later I'll rape her

--in the 3rd line, "is" should be "are". um... this is really pathetic, and if you are just posting this song to be gay you shouldnt of, because this looks like the work of a 3rd grader

Oh God I am the American dream
I do not think I'm too extreme
An' I'm a handsome sonofabitch
I'm gonna get a good job 'n' be real rich

--too cocky, who wants to listen to you say how you are great?

get a good
get a good
get a good
get a good job

Women's Liberation
Came creepin' across the nation
I tell you people I was not ready
When I ****ed this dyke by the name of Freddie
She made a little speech then,
Aw, she tried to make me say "when"
She had my balls in a vice, but she left the dick
I guess it's still hooked on, but now it shoots too quick

Oh God I am the American dream
But now I smell like Vaseline
An' I'm a miserable sonofabitch
Am I a boy or a lady...I don't know which

I wonder wonder
wonder wonder

So I went out 'n' bought me a leisure suit
I jingle my change, but I'm still kinda cute
Got a job doin' radio promo
An' none of the jocks can even tell I'm a homo
Eventually me 'n' a friend
Sorta drifted along into S&M
I can take about an hour on the tower of power
'Long as I gets a little golden shower

Oh God I am the American dream
With a spindle up my butt till it makes me scream
An' I'll do anything to get ahead
I lay awake nights sayin', "Thank you, Fred!"
Oh God, oh God, I'm so fantastic!
Thanks to Freddie, I'm a sexual spastic
And my name is Bobby Brown
Watch me now, I'm goin down,
And my name is Bobby Brown
Watch me now, I'm goin down,

--okay i couldnt crit the rest of it, because you know, it just sucks. its like you wanted people to insult you so you could say something stupid back to them, unless this is how you actually write, then id suggest a lot of practice.

1/10


Its a frank zappa song you moron. I hope you die.
I posted it here just to see what you morons would think.

metaliq
10-23-2004, 03:19 PM
/is too cool to listen to Frank Zappa


But I think posting a someone elses song while saying its yours is against some form of a rule... and deserves banning. :thumb: We dont need dumbasess like you running poluting the S&L forum. Cheers.

espf-250htd06
10-23-2004, 05:05 PM
lol this is gay its ur first song so ill let u get by with it but i really dont know were to start ill just tell u though iam not in to punk so dont feel bad, to long, to corney maybe its suppose to be that way 5/10 crit my songs if you cya man

Richy833
10-23-2004, 06:08 PM
/is too cool to listen to Frank Zappa


But I think posting a someone elses song while saying its yours is against some form of a rule... and deserves banning. :thumb: We dont need dumbasess like you running poluting the S&L forum. Cheers.
I hope you get gangraped by ******s with 19 and a haif inch penises. :amaze:

Permanent Solution
10-23-2004, 06:24 PM
[+] all work that you post is understood to be yours. do not post other people's work, or just a band's lyrics that you find nice. this is a forum for original submissions.

I see a ban coming along shortly...especially since you not only broke this rule, but even plagarized it and claimed it was your own...I hope that Zappa sues you, dunce.