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View Full Version : Thanks for killing my newly found confidence :)


IOWNU200
10-23-2004, 10:40 AM
No chorus for this one, just 7 verses. Tell me what you think

Verse 1

False hope, it's still the same
Strange ways, same days
useless dreams, devoted conviction
broken heart, shattered addiction

Verse 2

Risen spirits, you take me down
Pointless love, you spin me around
Desired affection, you break my intent
Breached promises, abrupt decent

Verse 3

Insufficiencies, failures mount
When comes the day for me to count?
when will my mind pay me back
outstanding beauty held within the pack

Verse 4

Painkillers take away the pain for days
But prevent the sight of the sun's shining rays
Take the chance and take the fall?
Or keep it in and bear it all?

Verse 5

I must give up this rebellion i've run
If i hope to ever see the sun
Why can't I say what I know should be said
feelings kept in a book that has never been read

Verse 6

I fought myself till my dying day
...part of me never cared what critics say
My soul bears the pain alone
Eventually I turned my heart to stone

Verse 7

My inability to express myself
reflects the reaction of nature when it's against itself
I could have salvaged our love in time
If I could only stop my self-destructive mind

Verse 8

A brand new day showered in darkness
A lasting love stricken with bitterness
We go on, we strive to succeed
Division of the mind diverts from following my own lead

Any advice for the rearrangement of the verses order is appreciated i just kind of put them in no particular order. I also have a question, is it bad song writing if only people who know you can understand what it's about?

Fast Fingerz
10-23-2004, 11:03 AM
Good song-I wish I knew what the music was. Fast pace-you kept me hooked all the way to the end I wanted to know what the next verse was-
7.5/10

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-23-2004, 12:01 PM
Verse 1

False hope, it's still the same
Strange ways, same days
useless dreams, devoted conviction
broken heart, shattered addiction

--dude, this was really **** cool... you could see a little bit of overused lines and cliche, but the way you did it was really brilliant, i thought it all fit together really well

Verse 2

Insufficiencies, failures mount
When comes the day for me to count?
when will my mind pay me back
Ensnared beauty held within by fear

--this was a major let down from the first verse, awkward rhymes and overused lines, without much flow.

Verse 3

I must give up this rebellion i've run
If i hope to ever see the sun
Why must I always hold myself back
Why can't I say what I know should be said

--this one feels the exact same as the last verse, your last 2 lines dont really tie into the first 2 either, it was like, "oh okay the rebellion you have is dying and you need to give it up to ever see hope again, and WHAT? THIS MAKES NO SENSE NOW"

Verse 4

Painkillers take away the pain for days
But prevent the sight of the sun's shining rays
Take the chance and take the fall?
Or keep it in and bear it all?

--i just dont really see how your verses are tieing in here, you skip around a lot, and your rhyme scheme changed from AABC to AABB, its just really throwing me off

Verse 5

I fought myself till dying day
...part of me never cared what critics say
The conceived soul bears the pain
left untouched until times when it rains

--im not sure if i like the imagery in the last 2 lines, but this wasnt a bad verse put a "my" in the dying day line and make it until, for flow reasons "until my dying day"

Verse 6

My inability to express myself
reflects the reaction of nature when it's against itself
I could have salvaged our love in time
If I could only stop my self-destructive mind

--this was interesting, but the rhyming wasnt very good. i like the 2nd best of all the verses, if you touched it up a little

Verse 7

A brand new day showered in darkness
A lasting love stricken with bitterness
We go on, we strive to succeed
Division of the mind diverts from following my own lead

--blah... your rhyming was a let down here. and this wasnt all that good

okay what i would suggest is you scrap everything except the first verse, and try to work off of it... keep the same rhyme scheme and structure, because that verse was gold. the rest were just a letdown after that, and didnt really connect

5/10

IOWNU200
10-23-2004, 12:15 PM
ok i should probably explain what i'm writing about here, (tell me if this is clear at all)
It's about how I pretend I hate girls and everything to quench the pain and agony of being unwanted, unloved, ect. And for this reason when i'm with a girl, i don't say what i want to say all the time because i'm afraid that i'll fall harder than i would if i seemed to not care

IOWNU200
10-23-2004, 05:51 PM
thanks sonnet i took a bunch of your advice

Permanent Solution
10-23-2004, 06:10 PM
I also have a question, is it bad song writing if only people who know you can understand what it's about?
Depends, a lot of my writing is done for me, if I choose to share it, I don't rewrite it so everyone else gets it, because I wrote it for me, and no one else's enderstanding of it is important. On the other hand, if I write something more general, I am hoping people connect to it and find meaning in it that relates to them in some way. Really it is up to you whether or not you want other people to understand what it is about, so it is not bad if a lot of people won't get it :thumb:

That's my bit o' wisdom for today, I would crit it but...I'm tired heh :p

CrashingDown213
10-23-2004, 10:34 PM
The first two verses were excellent and definetly stood out among the rest.
Verse 3 was a little awkward, but wasn't too bad.
Verse 4 was also very good, even though the rhyme scheme changed, that doesn't really bug me much.
I'd agree that in the 5th verse change it to 'my dying day', and after that, I think it was my favorite.
The sixth verse wasn't bad, but myself and itself rhyming seems kind of weird to me.
The last verse was also one of my favorite's, but take out the word own to make it flow a little better (just a suggestion)
Overall, good work man.

POOSTAIN
10-23-2004, 10:39 PM
I just can't get past it. Why are the verse so short and why are there so many of them? Why isn't there a chorus to sum it all up?

IOWNU200
10-23-2004, 10:42 PM
here's the deal, the verses are short because that's how the music makes them, there is no chorus because i had no central thing i felt like repeating (sorry if that dosen't go with you) There so many verse because i kept coming with them. Sorry if this seems a little bitchy it's not supposed to be :)

awol
10-24-2004, 07:48 AM
nah man it aint,but i liked ur song :thumb:
have u peformed it yet?if so have you got a link for it :)

CrashingDown213
10-24-2004, 06:26 PM
hey poostain, i have news for you..
when you can write 8 verses on one topic, thats pretty **** good
so don't complain about there being no chorus

espf-250htd06
10-24-2004, 07:34 PM
i think its good to write a song that people can get and understand because in alot of songs you want everyone to know why you wrote it and how you feel but in some cases its fine to write your on song but if you do so i think its good to put below it what its about ot help us out good writing i thought it was awesome, a few cliche lines but you defintly made it work 8/10 check out my song called level ground

espf-250htd06
10-24-2004, 07:34 PM
i just dont get it poostain why dont you crit the content of the song lol

IOWNU200
10-24-2004, 10:45 PM
thanks for the respones, and to awol, my band hasn't gotten to writing out this particualr song yet. We're still on our first (young band)

noonecares843
10-25-2004, 10:27 AM
thanks for the respones, and to awol, my band hasn't gotten to writing out this particualr song yet. We're still on our first (young band)
:evil: honestly i think you song sucks, only because i know what its about

GoddessOfDreams
10-25-2004, 10:40 AM
Fantastic songs :thumb:

CrashingDown213
10-25-2004, 03:38 PM
noonecares is a f@ggot..

BlindWriting
10-25-2004, 03:44 PM
Verses 1 and 5 were good, the rest... meh.
Didn't flow well, and the emotion, even though you said it was part of a real experience you had, seemed rather stilted at times.
Keep trying, though.

hitman418
10-26-2004, 05:04 PM
if you gave it a fast punk line like a "blitzkreig bob" or a "i wanna be sedated" line you'd have some pretty good stuff

i think some of the stuff sounds too darkish for me, but that's my pref, then again i like
the ramones
the vines
GnR

so yeah if your headin in a dark direction i'm not the best person to help u out

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-26-2004, 06:02 PM
if you gave it a fast punk line like a "blitzkreig bob" or a "i wanna be sedated" line you'd have some pretty good stuff

that's my pref, then again i like
the ramones

it shows