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Permanent Solution
10-23-2004, 02:58 AM
Cold like the inferno of Dante’s imagining
Scintillating stars shone vividly at one time
Now their luster is gone, blemished by a
Travesty undertaken so deviously, subtle crime

Asphyxiating, choked by a stench of hypocrisy
So foul that it slaughters the innocent, humble
Victims of a subversive plot to dominate a world
Rebellious and struggling to be free, still they stumble

Incontaminatus memoria of bygone eras
Shallow waves crashing on steep cliffs
The precipice seemed so low, so timid
Harmless like the laughter that drove you there
It wasn’t callous or cruel but a symbol of care
Upon reaching the end, no one ever faltered
Once the step was taken, it can never be altered

Still searching so silently for meaning not present
Comedy is contagious at someone else’s expense
Immobile thoughts that led to a rape of the soul
Contempt was found while begging for deference

Subversive notions bombard the subconscious
Sacrifice made to uphold the immutability of
Society so reliant on supplementary feelings
Found not on their own, heirs to tradition of tyranny

Incontaminatus memoria of bygone eras
Shallow waves crashing on steep cliffs
The precipice seemed so low, so timid
Harmless like the laughter that drove you there
It wasn’t callous or cruel but a symbol of care
Upon reaching the end, no one ever faltered
Once the step was taken, it can never be altered

Release is found in pain
Hedonism is a disease
Vaccinated by release

Incontaminatus memoria of bygone eras
Shallow waves crashing on steep cliffs
The precipice seemed so low, so timid
Harmless like the laughter that drove you there
It wasn’t callous or cruel but a symbol of care
Upon reaching the end, no one ever faltered
Once the step was taken, it can never be altered

The liberation comes now
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Crits will be returned...if anyone speaks Latin for real and I did the titling wrong lemme know please, I don't want to seem stupid even though I am :thumb:

I would also like to know what everyone thinks of this, it was very different experience wise for me, I will say that much.

funkywhiteboy
10-24-2004, 06:48 PM
I hate to sound like a dumbass, but.. I couldn't understand half those words. It sounded like it might go together okay, but have you heard of a thesaurus? I understand what you tried to do, but that went a little overboard. Those words are just toooo big. For me, anyway.

espf-250htd06
10-24-2004, 06:50 PM
i would crit but i just dont got no idea what its saying to deep for me cya lata lol looking for a crit on level ground

Permanent Solution
10-24-2004, 07:10 PM
I hate to sound like a dumbass, but.. I couldn't understand half those words. It sounded like it might go together okay, but have you heard of a thesaurus? I understand what you tried to do, but that went a little overboard. Those words are just toooo big. For me, anyway.
I can see that maybe a little bit, but ooc how old are you? I mean I use a lot of those words in my everyday language, and the two latin words (incontaminatus memoria) and hedonism were the only ones i don't really use in my everyday speech. I am 18, so you might just be too young to have that big of a vocabulary? I don't feel I went overboard with it, I felt it helped it clarity wise, but thank you for your unique introspective there, I may end up changing a few things then...

Thanks to esp for the crit as well...same response basically..

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-24-2004, 07:35 PM
i understand that its,


























CRAP! hahahahaha!

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-24-2004, 07:41 PM
sarcastic...

funkywhiteboy
10-24-2004, 07:45 PM
actually, zeppelin, i'm 17, but I took one look at that song, and saw "Incontaminatus memoria" and was like "wtf is that" and that kinda set the mode for me to bash the song on the high vocab level :p

</defendintelligence>

DoubtingVada
10-24-2004, 07:47 PM
Don't listen to them, Zeppi. I love it <3

Cold like the inferno of Dante’s imagining
Scintillating stars shone vividly at one time

Ooooh, this makes me want to smile. Ah, screw that. I am smiling. Love it love it love it ....

Now their luster is gone, blemished by
Travesty undertaken so deviously is still a crime

Meh. The last line broke the spell for me :(
It's the rhyming, always the rhyming .... and also, "Now their luster is gone, blemished by travesty undertaken so deviously is still a crime" didn't make sense to me. Looks like a run-on sentence, or something,

Asphyxiating, choked by a stench of hypocrisy
So foul that it slaughters the innocent, humble
Victims of a subversive plot to dominate a world
Rebellious and struggling to be free, still they stumble

Asphyxiating ..... oooh, I'm impressed. The next words took away from the romance of that word (it's just a flow-y poetic word), but that's because of what you're saying, so it's not a problem.

I really feel what you're saying in this song, Zep. It's quite well written ...


Incontaminatus memoria of bygone eras
Shallow waves crashing on steep cliffs
The precipice seemed so low, so timid
Harmless like the laughter that drove you there
It wasn’t callous or cruel but a symbol of care
Upon reaching the end, no one ever faltered
Once the step was taken, it can never be altered

Other than the last word, this is perfect. Do NOT touch.
It's jus that faltered/altered .... come on. You can be more creative than that, try some subtlety (sp?)

Still searching so silently for meaning not present
Comedy is contagious at someone else’s expense
Immobile thoughts that led to a rape of the soul
Contempt was found while begging for deference

Don't like the 'rape of the soul' part. This is good, but it pales in comparison to the rest.

Subversive notions bombard the subconscious
Sacrifice made to uphold the immutability of
Society so reliant on supplementary feelings
Found not on their own, heirs to tradition of tyranny

Ooooh ... "heirs to tradition of tyranny"
Zep, I love this alot. It's making me want to cry ...

Release is found in pain
Hedonism is a disease
Vaccinated by release

The liberation comes now

Good ending. Good. Good.

It may be that I'm overtired and emotion, but Zeppi, this is awesome. AWESOME. Frame it. Put in on your wall. I love it ....

Permanent Solution
10-24-2004, 07:55 PM
Nichelle I <3 your crits...that was very helpful...I need to fix that fourth line, I edited it after I wrote it and messed up the wording a bit. Thanks for pointing that out, very helpful :)

Permanent Solution
10-24-2004, 07:58 PM
actually, zeppelin, i'm 17, but I took one look at that song, and saw "Incontaminatus memoria" and was like "wtf is that" and that kinda set the mode for me to bash the song on the high vocab level :p

</defendintelligence>
It is latin, it means "pure memories" basically, but there is no perfect translation, and the latin gets more at what I was really trying to convey. I also wasn't implying you were stupid or unintelligent hehe, just pointing out that it wasn't that elaborate for the most part...

Shady Ultima
10-24-2004, 08:15 PM
I like it Zep... even though I really don't know at all what it means... I still can't guess... and I know you're not gonna tell, so I'm gonna assume you just scribbled random words on a paper and said its a song ;)

xKONRADx
10-24-2004, 10:01 PM
****it i wrote a paragraph about your song and then i tried to minimize my window, but i clicked the x button instead. oh well. i basically said it was great. and that i like how you kind of changed your style. but that doesnt mean to keep it this way. if i missed any of your 'epic' works in the last week line em here so i can give you the crits i owe you

bassaholica2004
10-25-2004, 12:45 AM
Wow man that is great. Very good. Lots of imagery and use of vocabulary is great. I'm not too sure what its about, but I have 2 theories in my mind. (1) Its about a person trying to break free from something (conformity?), and (2) its a political song. Either way, its great. Sorry for stealing the Latin idea too. ;) 8/10

Permanent Solution
10-25-2004, 12:48 AM
I will say one of those theories is spot on, and not a word more :D

Although I can't call it stealing since you are far more pimp than me in your usage of it lol

delLishuzzx721
10-25-2004, 07:55 PM
Ok honestly, some of these words were too BIG for me, and I see some other people have said the same thing. But has anyone heard of a dictonary? After finding out the meanings of the words and re-reading the song I really really enjoyed it. I think it was meaningful and had alot to say. And now I know a few new words I am one step closer to passing the SAT's. :thumb:

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-25-2004, 08:32 PM
^--- 1 post ROOLS

Nightvision
10-25-2004, 10:27 PM
yup - I'll get crittin' :)

Nightvision
10-25-2004, 10:40 PM
Cold like the inferno of Dante’s imagining
Scintillating stars shone vividly at one time
Now their luster is gone, blemished by a
Travesty undertaken so deviously, still a crime

With the exception of that last line, that's a blistering first verse - vivid imagery, and really solid. The last line, particularly the 'still a crime' bit just needs a bit of tweaking - it knocks some of the flow out of it.

Asphyxiating, choked by a stench of hypocrisy
So foul that it slaughters the innocent, humble
Victims of a subversive plot to dominate a world
Rebellious and struggling to be free, still they stumble

Excellent rhyming - humble/stumble. This verse is brilliant - the references to choking/asphyxia are particularly strong.

Incontaminatus memoria of bygone eras
Shallow waves crashing on steep cliffs
The precipice seemed so low, so timid
Harmless like the laughter that drove you there
It wasn’t callous or cruel but a symbol of care
Upon reaching the end, no one ever faltered
Once the step was taken, it can never be altered

Ugh - and just to cancel out that wonderful rhyme in the previous stanza, you do an altered/faltered rhyme! Everything else was great in this verse, just that one rhyme...

Still searching so silently for meaning not present
Comedy is contagious at someone else’s expense
Immobile thoughts that led to a rape of the soul
Contempt was found while begging for deference

Hmm - to be honest, I didn't like this stanza so much - it's not 'bad' as such, just not on the same level as the rest of this song - I reckon it might be an idea to cut this verse altogether.

Subversive notions bombard the subconscious
Sacrifice made to uphold the immutability of
Society so reliant on supplementary feelings
Found not on their own, heirs to tradition of tyranny

A good verse, although things get a bit wordy in the middle of the thing - try reading the second and third lines out aloud to yourself - those are some hefty lines... perhaps scaling a few of those words down a touch wouldn't be a bad idea.

Release is found in pain
Hedonism is a disease
Vaccinated by release

Didn't like it at all - for a split second here, it seemed like a 'cut myself' song - and we all know they suck. :naughty:

The liberation comes now

Ooooh - very nice... very nice ending indeed.

Overall:
An absolutely stunning song in places, and noticeably weak in others - fortunately, the goods far outweigh the bads, although with changing in the places that have been mentioned, this could well be the best song we've seen on these forums in quite a long time... Reminded me of RATM for some reason...

Rating: 8.75/10

Permanent Solution
10-25-2004, 10:51 PM
Wow, quite a compliment...screw it, this is post 2000 :D...you mis interpreted that three line piece a little...it is supposed to hint at cutting, but in the context of the song it makes fun of that practice. I will change line 4 to "remains a crime" I like that better...Probably cut my *sigh* weak verse (so claim you and nichelle), how does that look?...I will crit yours sooner han later :D

CSD & the Soul Machines
10-25-2004, 11:32 PM
"Cold like the inferno of Dante’s imagining
Scintillating stars shone vividly at one time
Now their luster is gone, blemished by a
Travesty undertaken so deviously, still a crime"

-Agree with Nichelle about the last 2 lines being run-on-sentence-like-ish didn't seem to flow well i like potato salad and french fries with a medium coke and stuff.

"Asphyxiating, choked by a stench of hypocrisy
So foul that it slaughters the innocent, humble
Victims of a subversive plot to dominate a world
Rebellious and struggling to be free, still they stumble"

-My favorite verse.

"Incontaminatus memoria of bygone eras
Shallow waves crashing on steep cliffs
The precipice seemed so low, so timid
Harmless like the laughter that drove you there
It wasn’t callous or cruel but a symbol of care
Upon reaching the end, no one ever faltered
Once the step was taken, it can never be altered"

-Don't like how you switched up the rhymn scheme at the last three lines. It just cheesed it right up for the impressive first four. No rhyming here would sound cooler to me. And I don't like the last line.

"Still searching so silently for meaning not present
Comedy is contagious at someone else’s expense
Immobile thoughts that led to a rape of the soul
Contempt was found while begging for deference"

-Nothing grabbed me too much. Still nicely worded.

"Subversive notions bombard the subconscious
Sacrifice made to uphold the immutability of
Society so reliant on supplementary feelings
Found not on their own, heirs to tradition of tyranny"

-I can imagine how awkward this would be to try to sing this. Mainly the word immutability. Probably a bit too wordy. Unless it works out and you've tested it, I would think this would be better off as poety.

"Incontaminatus memoria of bygone eras
Shallow waves crashing on steep cliffs
The precipice seemed so low, so timid
Harmless like the laughter that drove you there
It wasn’t callous or cruel but a symbol of care
Upon reaching the end, no one ever faltered
Once the step was taken, it can never be altered"

-Already did this.

Release is found in pain
Hedonism is a disease
Vaccinated by release

-Kay

"Incontaminatus memoria of bygone eras
Shallow waves crashing on steep cliffs
The precipice seemed so low, so timid
Harmless like the laughter that drove you there
It wasn’t callous or cruel but a symbol of care
Upon reaching the end, no one ever faltered
Once the step was taken, it can never be altered

The liberation comes now"

-Overall not bad. I like the idea behind it, could be too wordy in some spots, but I don't know how the music sounds so I guess i can't tell for sure. Good stuff anywho.

Permanent Solution
10-26-2004, 01:34 AM
ATDI, TMV, and AFI are what I am listening to right now...I blame Cedric for my wordiness *shakes fist*

graheemion
10-26-2004, 05:36 AM
sounds like it could be a big metal ballad to me, something like Metallica would do, you know slow verses, then building up to massive choruses, followed by a solo, then toned down towards the and of the song. Still, thats just my opinion on what you could with something like. As for the words, i'm with Zeppo, bit confusing for me, but anyway, thats all.

kerazay
10-26-2004, 07:49 AM
F.UCKIN SWEET. that's all i have to say on it. see i do crit back!

Cipher Hour
10-30-2004, 10:23 PM
Cold like the inferno of Dante’s imagining
Scintillating stars shone vividly at one time
Now their luster is gone, blemished by a
Travesty undertaken so deviously, still a crime

- Nice opening verse. I know the last lines run on and such but it doesn't bother me that much (I'd change the very last line though as it is apparently annoying to everyone else). Other then that I must say, you've got some strong words and references in there.

Asphyxiating, choked by a stench of hypocrisy
So foul that it slaughters the innocent, humble
Victims of a subversive plot to dominate a world
Rebellious and struggling to be free, still they stumble

- Nothing wrong with this verse at all...it's...dare I say it...perfect! If this verse were a woman then I'd have an orgasm! Too much information? I think so... :thumb:

Incontaminatus memoria of bygone eras
Shallow waves crashing on steep cliffs
The precipice seemed so low, so timid
Harmless like the laughter that drove you there
It wasn’t callous or cruel but a symbol of care
Upon reaching the end, no one ever faltered
Once the step was taken, it can never be altered

- It's pretty good, but I think you're confusing the common man. This is definitely a good thing because confusing people and not making sense is half the fun of writing songs like this!

Still searching so silently for meaning not present
Comedy is contagious at someone else’s expense
Immobile thoughts that led to a rape of the soul
Contempt was found while begging for deference

- This sounds like something I'd write...for that I'll give this verse the seal of approval.

Subversive notions bombard the subconscious
Sacrifice made to uphold the immutability of
Society so reliant on supplementary feelings
Found not on their own, heirs to tradition of tyranny

- This sounds like something I'd write after spending 3 days reading through my dad's collection of dictionaries. I like what you're saying here and I get the message which is basically the point. Good stuff.

Incontaminatus memoria of bygone eras
Shallow waves crashing on steep cliffs
The precipice seemed so low, so timid
Harmless like the laughter that drove you there
It wasn’t callous or cruel but a symbol of care
Upon reaching the end, no one ever faltered
Once the step was taken, it can never be altered

Release is found in pain
Hedonism is a disease
Vaccinated by release

- The flow is a little off here, it seems like the 2nd line has a couple syllables more then it should. This needs fixing boy!

Incontaminatus memoria of bygone eras
Shallow waves crashing on steep cliffs
The precipice seemed so low, so timid
Harmless like the laughter that drove you there
It wasn’t callous or cruel but a symbol of care
Upon reaching the end, no one ever faltered
Once the step was taken, it can never be altered

The liberation comes now

- The liberation comes for me too...the liberation of not having to wear pants! BUTTSECKS :naughty:

Sorry, it's been awhile since I've done that. Anyway I guess I don't have much to say other then more of the same. I really like this song though and the whole message laced into the words. It not only sounds like something I'd write, but...well...yeah I guess that IS all I have to say. Good job, nice work, excellanto, bien, and all that jazz.

Now you have to crit my song or I'll give you buttsecks!