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View Full Version : level ground those of you who still like me crit it first edit help me out


espf-250htd06
10-22-2004, 07:17 PM
Towards the summit the only direction for me
The rugged country, my passage untamed
My advisor imbued me to go this way
To turn around would be this manís last day

I choose the incline
For no real reason
except to prove to you I deserve regard
to make it to my peaks unscarred

chorus
I chose up and you choose down
Surrender the respect that I deserve
I did it mine and you did it yours
And now were on level ground


you left me for the dorm
Despite all their advice I choose the norm
My Respect was valued higher
did you earn esteem
Self esteem is all we have
The ovation of the crowd for neither of us
The ovation of a few more worthy


~chorus~
I chose up and you choose down
Surrender the respect that I deserve
I did it mine and you did it yours
And now were on level ground


My soul belongs to this weathered road
Was it a smooth trip down my mountain
The influenced choices vetoed
So effortless was this your vision
Footsteps I left behind donít trip and fall
Itís a long ways down
As you now know


~chorus~
I chose up and you choose down
Surrender the respect that I deserve
I did it mine and you did it yours
And now were on level ground



Everest I had to climb
And you toke a safe leap off the side
Fast it fell for you
A mighty decent
Slow and steady was I
Haggard, relentless look in my eye
For you It was erudition
For me the prior tradition

And here we are on level ground








3rd song crits apprecaited not a religous song pretty obvious topic probably to cliche if so tell me i can take it lol cyal lata second edit i went over it tell me what u think now

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-23-2004, 07:44 AM
4/10

Fast Fingerz
10-23-2004, 07:50 AM
first-what is the beat you are using? Type of music?
I like your words in the second verse
6/10

espf-250htd06
10-23-2004, 08:29 AM
hard rock most likely hard core rock that is thanks for the crits

espf-250htd06
10-24-2004, 03:13 PM
idk about yal but i personally like this better than anything ive wrote tell me somthing thanks oh yea bump lol

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-24-2004, 06:46 PM
i found some of the imagery and metaphors to be sort of childish, for instance the uphill/down one. it didnt seem to flow correctly, nor fit into the song very well. you did a pretty good job at staying on topic, but there was nothing there to really grab my attention and hook me. ill still stand by my previous score.
4/10

espf-250htd06
10-24-2004, 06:49 PM
i agree it was all on topic kinda of a overused subject but who cares but idk i kinda ran outa words lol yal can help me out if you want to i really dont mind cya

Merkaba
10-24-2004, 10:50 PM
Well i liked the first verse. I thought, damn, i like the idea of using "my advisor" I thought it was in a spiritual sense, or some metaphor. but i as i read on and you mention "my parents" and "you chose the dorm". it just turned me away. in the second verse you make a reference but there is no earlier mention of who it belongs to. "dispute all there(their) advice...." Unless youre talking about the dorm. but that still doesnt work well. The ovation lines were cool , but dont tie into anything else. graduation applause? the two of you didnt graduate? however the esteem lines were overuse for the word in my opinion , because it didnt use the double use to make a catchy point.
I think there could be something brewing , but right now it doesnt work for me. But its not terrible. 6/10

espf-250htd06
10-25-2004, 05:34 PM
thanks u have a good point on all that it defintly needs some work but its a good start and a good idea you gota give me that much thanks for the crit any more ?????

espf-250htd06
10-25-2004, 06:06 PM
lol i confused my self the topic of uphill and down hill is overused but this song is slightly diffrent from those that uve heard idk if you understand that lol maybe you do

About YOU
10-25-2004, 07:10 PM
6/1o

espf-250htd06
10-26-2004, 01:53 PM
bump what do yal think now

espf-250htd06
10-27-2004, 05:06 PM
bump com on i like this do u???????

espf-250htd06
10-30-2004, 09:19 PM
com on yal gota have an opion does it suck, is it good, do you care????????????