"you and a lipstick covered knife"

[screamo_rocks_101]

I just made this one up at school, it sounds ok to me, but needs fixing, plz crit

verse 1:
everything seems in a daze
since we last talked
everything seems like a dark place
where we once walked
i know you didnt mean to
but all i can think about is what you did do
is it me or is this getting old
i wish it would end so this story could be told

chorus:
so go on, quit wasting your time
spend more time on you
its just like before we died
nothings old, but nothings new
i just want to be through with......

verse 2:
you make everything seem bad
when everything you had was good
you make me think that i hurt you
when i think to myself that i know i should
but i cant, cause i would be like you
a bitch to walk the earth
just to watch people cry
because of you

chorus:
so go on, quit wasting my time
spend more time on you
its just like before we died
nothings old, nothings new
i just want to be through with.....

instrumental guitar part:

(you.........go on...........walking...........never caring.........)
(you.........will have to beg.........for me to look at you.......)
(im leaving ........you on your knees.......alone and scared......for once...)


verse 3:
I saw you today, you looked the same
the last time i saw you was a reflection
from the lipstick covered knife
i hope you saw me, i know what you would say
I love you, but its meant to be this way

plz crit!!

[screamo_rocks_101]

comon' it cant be that bad, someone pleaze crit it for me, i really would like to know how im doin.

[streaksandskiesx]

not bad, needs work and some emotion. crit me back http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=255628

[Richy833]

No.

[metaliq]

Overuse of the words I and You. It was pretty cliche... but i guess thats about the only topic covered in 'screamo' :thumb:.

I would really work on a different subject than relationships. Im sure you could think of something. Look at 'Chaplain' by me please. Keep writing.

[ta'ao]

when will people learn to leave the relationship lyrics to trent reznor?

[screamo_rocks_101]

what can i say, i didnt try all that hard, but your right when you say that it needs more emotion in it, and a little less cliches, im gonnna work on it again.

[TheOpeningAct101]

i find nothing wrong with songs about relationships, they bring out the best and the worst in us all. as for they song, i thought it was good, not cliche at all. the chorus needs a lot of work though. i can relate to this song so im looking forward to the revised version.

[screamo_rocks_101]

thanks for the replies, im gonna rework and reword some or most of the chorus, ill post it back up here when im through so yall can crit again, but plz dont give up on me if its not perfect this next time.

[metaliq]

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=253924

:thumb: Thank you.

[xKONRADx]

i really liked the idea of a lipstick covered knife, but the rest was downhill from there. metaliq is right that you use the words i and you too much, but thats not the main problem. i am listening to alkaline trio's while youre waiting right now and, though its not screamo, he uses alot of i's and you's. but he maintains a good balance with vivid imagery. listen to the song then compare it to yours(in terms of imagery) youll see what you can impove.

[screamo_rocks_101]

Yeah looking back on it now, i realized that i did use I and You a little much, but i guess thats what i was aiming for, i just didnt balance them very well. By the way, your right about the alkaline trio, thats all they sing about now is relationships, but they balance everything out real well, ill try to fix it, but plz dont stop critting.