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View Full Version : Seine Bay, crit ill crit back


A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-22-2004, 02:47 PM
Ben Stivers
10/21/04

Seine Bay

The distress flows from your bloodshot eyes,
Velocity of sound.
Against the voices,
We struggle for the calm.

Risen from the collapse of structure,
Atrocity of man.
Broken down the walls,
Leaning against shadows.

I am not the villian here,
I'm just needed more so you keep me near.
But we are the tragedies,
You just need me more than your misery.

I am not the villian here,
I'm just needed more so you keep me near.
But we are the tragedies,
You just need me more than your misery.

Hazy tears come floating down to sand,
Velocity of sound.
Against the voices,
We live only to feel.

Risen to seperate history,
Atrocity of man.
Broken down the walls,
Staring into the red sun.

I am not the villian here,
I'm just needed more so you keep me near.
But we are the tragedies,
You just need me more than your misery.

I am not the villian here,
I'm just needed more so you keep me near.
But we are the tragedies,
You just need me more than your misery.

There was a difference of opinion,
We already gave up,
Just wanting to breathe salty air,
And hear the crashing waves,
Blue sea.

iTim387
10-22-2004, 04:06 PM
Ok, lets see. I liked this song. I'm not sure if I totally got the meaning of it, but I liked it anyways.

The distress flows from your bloodshot eyes,
Velocity of sound.
Against the voices,
We struggle for the calm.

This was a good beginning to the song. There isn't a rhyme scheme, but I don't really need that for a song to be good. A lot of my favorite songs don't rhyme.

Risen from the collapse of structure,
Atrocity of man.
Broken down the walls,
Leaning against shadows.

I like this part a lot, the "leaning against shadows" is a very cool line. I'm interpreting that as "there isn't anything to lean on"?

I am not the villian here,
I'm just needed more so you keep me near.
But we are the tragedies,
You just need me more than your misery.

I guess this is the chorus because it repeats. I like how you rhyme in here but not anywhere else. It helps to seperate it from the rest of the song and give it a clear identity.

Hazy tears come floating down to sand,
Velocity of sound.
Against the voices,
We live only to feel.

I like the reference to tears which refers back to the first verse. Other than that nothing is really changed. I like the last line. I think many people can connect with that.

Risen to seperate history,
Atrocity of man.
Broken down the walls,
Staring into the red sun.

Meh, this part is OK, but I think it is the weakest part of the song. I would advise you to work on this part first.

There was a difference of opinion,
We already gave up,
Just wanting to breathe salty air,
And hear the crashing waves,
Blue sea.

This part seems out of place. You refer to the ocean for the first time in the end. You never brought that up and it seems like for a conclusion you should just reiterate what you have already said, in a different way of course. I don't know, maybe I just don't understand it.

Overall, I would give this a 7/10.

Please crit my latest song if you have time.

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-22-2004, 06:41 PM
alright thanks, but just to clear it up: this song is about a girl crying on a beach to me, about how she thinks the city is destroying her, all she wants to do is be near the ocean, and thinks the city is an "atrocity"

espf-250htd06
10-22-2004, 07:27 PM
the format of song is ackward or diffrent i guess cool though good song, good message check out my new song level ground 8/10 cya

thedeadwalk!
10-22-2004, 07:44 PM
your verses are filled with representations of what this is about, but the representations don't fit in with each other. so it's a lot of words that don't have much meaning together.

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-23-2004, 09:02 AM
bump dizzle

Nightvision
10-23-2004, 09:07 AM
Bump spotted, Sonnet - just finishing off one of my own and I shall reply.

Nightvision
10-23-2004, 10:37 AM
*swears* **** login bug logged me out and I lost the entire song!! :angry:

Anyway, the crit -

The distress flows from your bloodshot eyes,
Velocity of sound.
Against the voices,
We struggle for the calm.

First line is ok, but the second and third lines don't seem to make much sense to me... perhaps a little too abstract? You're jumping around with a lot of ideas here - some of them good, others not so good.

Risen from the collapse of structure,
Atrocity of man.
Broken down the walls,
Leaning against shadows.

Once again, your first line is very promising - but again the next few lines just can't keep the flow going - seems like you struggled a bit while writing this one, if I'm honest.

I am not the villian here,
I'm just needed more so you keep me near.
But we are the tragedies,
You just need me more than your misery.

Second line wants a little bit of work - didn't like the rhyme much, and for some reason it just feels like it's out of place... The rest of this is pretty good though - this is more like your usual stuff.

Hazy tears come floating down to sand,
Velocity of sound.
Against the voices,
We live only to feel.

This just didn't connect with me - might have with others, but for me it just seemed really generic and uninspiring.

Risen to seperate history,
Atrocity of man.
Broken down the walls,
Staring into the red sun.

I like what you did by just changing two lines here - works nicely, too. The line about 'staring into the red sun' is especially effective.

There was a difference of opinion,
We already gave up,
Just wanting to breathe salty air,
And hear the crashing waves,
Blue sea.

First two lines are very good, but the rest of it seems very cliche by your standards - not awful, but I know you can do better.

overall:
Certainly not your best work - I don't think you'd argue too much there either - it's not awful, and in parts it's quite good, but it does seem like you had a good idea, but rushed things - it seems undercooked.

5/10 - worst of a very good bunch.

IOWNU200
10-23-2004, 10:37 AM
alright sonnet, i've never crit one of your songs but i always see them, i feel bad so here i go.

The distress flows from your bloodshot eyes,
Velocity of sound.
Against the voices,
We struggle for the calm.

Very nice start, grabs my attention, especially the last line

Risen from the collapse of structure,
Atrocity of man.
Broken down the walls,
Leaning against shadows.

This part seems kind of awkward (the wording) i had to re-read it a couple times to get it, but once i did i found it pleasing

I am not the villian here,
I'm just needed more so you keep me near.
But we are the tragedies,
You just need me more than your misery.

****, this is my favorite so far, excellent work.

Hazy tears come floating down to sand,
Velocity of sound.
Against the voices,
We live only to feel.

partly stated earlier so not as interesting, but still good, especially last line

Risen to seperate history,
Atrocity of man.
Broken down the walls,
Staring into the red sun.

Ok, I don't comprehend this (your mind is greater than mine much praise)
It looks good though once again a strong looking last line


There was a difference of opinion,
We already gave up,
Just wanting to breathe salty air,
And hear the crashing waves,
Blue sea.

I'm guessing the rythm changes hear because you threw in an extra line. Good though, except the first two seem kind of weak.

Overall a good job. Looking back i realize how all your veses end strong which really is good it puts you kind of in an awe as you go to the next verse. Keep it up

And please crit my song if you can