PDA

View Full Version : Death in the Living Room.


Geometric Patterns
10-21-2004, 06:37 PM
The title is a little odd, but it goes with the meaning I'm basing this piece on. Well, it connects in my mind anways. This hasn't been edited in depth yet, I'll leave that to the hpoefulyl constructive criticisms that this board offers. I'll try my hardest to check out all of your work respectively, but it does take me a while. Just check this out, and if you have some advice I'd love to hear it.

Across a breath of frigid air
Warmth and life, it never transcends
And, as you struggle to feel that energy
intentionally, sardonically
Statuesque and snowed in
And over the years of scornful passerbyís
The laughs of those who donít understand
They come like water
Endless and encompassing
Freezing onto skin; discolored, hardened.
Each cut eats away your core; the essence
You become an impenetrable shell
Conflicting, Contradicting,
The signs received
Honest and deceiving
Desolation, desperation never leaves.
But at this point it's either give up
Or try believing.
And you hear words in your head
The voice is not your own and resonates for years.
"One day I'll be like them, too
And radiate onto those
Who were as cold as I was,"
The hope that
You swear to never lose
Though it is unrealistic, refuse to slip into temptation;
fall into this sin.
You keep this promise around your neck
And there it stays
Until you fade into dust, and dissolve into the wind.
Finally free.

whydoesitmatter2u
10-21-2004, 07:36 PM
i loved it.
"One day I'll be like them, too
And radiate onto those
Who were as cold as I was,"
that was great. the only part i wasn't quite sure of was;
You swear to never lose
Though it is unrealistic, to give in you refuse.
not that it didn't have good meaning/idea behind it. i just would have rathered it didn't rhyme. the rest of the poem (song?) didn't rhyme, so it seemed forced or out of place.
IMO, that is. If i were you, i'd just rework it like;
You swear to never lose
Unrealistic as it is, you refuse to give in
Or something? i donno. just a thought.
Hope this is helpful!
ChEeRs!
~* if you wouldn't mind criting my poem empty corners, it'd be GrEaTly appreciated!*~

Geometric Patterns
10-22-2004, 02:25 PM
el bump? just check it out, I'll comment nicely on yours, i just need some honest opinions to make this better.

iTim387
10-22-2004, 03:55 PM
I can't really think of anything you should change to make it better, but I am sort of new at this so I am not real experienced. I would give it 9/10.

Please crit my latest.

Sade
10-22-2004, 11:20 PM
First off-Crit my latest piece, I just wanted to get your attention quick, I'll edit this w/ a breakdown right after I post this :)

EDIT: K, here we go.

Across a breath of frigid air
Warmth and life, it never transcends
And, as you struggle to feel that energy
intentionally, sardonically
Statuesque and snowed in

-I LOVE THIS STANZA, snowed in, created the first energy shift, which is how I'm seeing this

And over the years of scornful passerbyís
The laughs of those who donít understand
They come like water
Endless and encompassing
Freezing onto skin; discolored, hardened.

Here's the reflection on the first energy, and I love it. Comparative to freezing of water, and the oddity of it's effects to personal humanity. Good job, don't know if that was intended, but it sure as hell caught my eyes.

Each cut eats away your core; the essence
You become an impenetrable shell
Conflicting, Contradicting,
The signs received
Honest and deceiving
Desolation, desperation never leaves.

It's sort of like, a chapter in a book ending right here. I love how seamless this is!

But at this point it's either give up
Or try believing.
And you hear words in your head
The voice is not your own and resonates for years.
"One day I'll be like them, too
And radiate onto those
Who were as cold as I was,"

Yet another personal reflection on the first energy, and you manage to retain the same sense of hopeless confusion that flows right on with the novel like quality of the rest of the peice.

The hope that
You swear to never lose
Though it is unrealistic, refuse to slip into temptation;
fall into this sin.

Sort of like, "the accusation" on the conclusion. my faveorite part

You keep this promise around your neck
And there it stays
Until you fade into dust, and dissolve into the wind.
Finally free.


and the finally free line at the end, made me go back and read the entire thing over 5 times. I expected it to end in negativity-but i guess not!

Brilliant peice, I found this actually FUN to read and crit...I love you! haha, thanks for the great read.

-Sade

Sade
10-22-2004, 11:26 PM
^I forgot to comment on the whole, energy deal-I LOVE how you encorperated the basic elements into it. That was what made it so cool.

Geometric Patterns
10-22-2004, 11:49 PM
haha, aww, I'm blushing. Thanks for the wonderful crit, I very much enjoy this little writing deal we have going on.