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iTim387
10-21-2004, 04:57 PM
I wrote this song after hearing some bad news. Can you figure it out? It should be pretty easy.

Finally Whole
I can hear my heart beating
over the overwhelming silence
I can't comprehend the feeling
thats a part of this experience
It's like a curse over your head
and i know it's hard to face
but someday we'll all be dead
we'll all be in our own place

Chorus
I'll see you again someday
with all the others that I miss
I'll be with you again someday
to have you back would be my only wish

"It's not over yet," you say
but you're holding on to just a splinter
You're counting the days
and you won't see next winter
Every single moment could be the last
you're just trying to stay sane
Forget about now, remember the past
memories are the only things that remain

This disease extends farther than you know
you're dying, but the anxiety is killing me
I'd like it to end, but that's selfish hope
you'd like to leave, but you can't find the key
No, you're not in command anymore
as the mindless matter takes control
pray that God opens the back door
the end is near and you're finally whole

Please crit this and I will crit yours in return.

ta'ao
10-21-2004, 05:51 PM
ok first, there's no need for italics here at all. just makes it difficult to read.

Finally Whole
I can hear my heart beating
over the overwhelming silence (kind of redundant here...this would make the heartbeat--and not the silence-- overwhelming, right?)
I can't comprehend the feeling
thats a part of this experience (show me, don't tell me)
It's like a curse over your head
and i know it's hard to face
but someday we'll all be dead
we'll all be in our own place (these four lines are weak. they go without saying.)

Chorus
I'll see you again someday
with all the others that I miss
I'll be with you again someday
to have you back would be my only wish (if you'll be with him/her someday, you WILL be getting them back. the first three lines set up something very different than what we should be getting in the fourth)

"It's not over yet," you say
but you're holding on to just a splinter
You're counting the days
and you won't see next winter (these 4 are my favorite lines here)
Every single moment could be the last
you're just trying to stay sane
Forget about now, remember the past
memories are the only things that remain (sacrifices clarity for the sake of rhyme)

This disease extends farther than you know
you're dying, but the anxiety is killing me
I'd like it to end, but that's selfish hope
you'd like to leave, but you can't find the key
No, you're not in command for anymore (this line makes no sense)
as the mindless matter takes control (ok, good metaphor for cancer or disease)
pray that God opens the back door
the end is near and you're finally whole (last two lines don't do it for me)

Please crit this and I will crit yours in return.

this seems like something that was written in a hurry, and sometimes critical events, like the death of ppl who are close to us are better left to sit and ferment for a while, which makes the liquor of your verse stronger. remember 9/11? a zillion ppl wrote a bunch of poetry about it directly after the fact, and 99.9999% of it sucks ***. i bet in 5 years or so is when people will start writing decent poetry about 9/11.

its good that youve gotten some feelings out about the imminence of someone's death, but i think this work would be better left for until after the fact when you have had some time to synthesize it.

-ian

BoldasLove
10-21-2004, 07:05 PM
I wrote this song after hearing some bad news. Can you figure it out? It should be pretty easy.

Finally Whole
I can hear my heart beating
over the overwhelming silence
I can't comprehend the feeling
thats a part of this experience
It's like a curse over your head
and i know it's hard to face
but someday we'll all be dead
we'll all be in our own place

This verse can be divided in to three parts. The first 4 lines, the fifth, and the last three because you change the topic a couple of times: First you say how you feel, then you write about the disease and then about death. The first part is fine, especially the first two lines. Then you change the topic to the disease, but then you change it again, for the sake of rhyme or whatever. The second time you change is too much. Also, the last three lines aren't as interesting....

Chorus
I'll see you again someday
with all the others that I miss
I'll be with you again someday
to have you back would be my only wish

Good chorus, except the last line. First two is about you seeing everyone in heaven, expressed well. Then you (almost entirely) repeat the first line, which isn't a bad thing by the way, but the last line seems strange, because "would" is a word that says something about something that isn't reality. For example: If you left, to have you back would be my only wish. But that isn't the case here is it. You don't mention "if" at all. So how about: "to have you back is my only wish"? Or "will be my only wish"?

"It's not over yet," you say
but you're holding on to just a splinter
You're counting the days
and you won't see next winter
Every single moment could be the last
you're just trying to stay sane
Forget about now, remember the past
memories are the only things that remain

First four lines are good, especially the last line. (perhaps change and into but?).
Fifth line is fine, sixth aswell, but it doesn't have anything to do with the fifth.
Seventh line is fine, I get what you're saying.
But I don't really get the eighth... except for memories being a thing of the past, it doesn't really makes sense....

This disease extends farther than you know
you're dying, but the anxiety is killing me
I'd like it to end, but that's selfish hope
you'd like to leave, but you can't find the key
No, you're not in command for anymore
as the mindless matter takes control
pray that God opens the back door
the end is near and you're finally whole

Again, good first four lines. You get across what you want to say.
Fifth and sixth are ok.

I get the seventh, but the eight puzzles me. Are you saying pray the end is near? In that case you should change "You're" into "you'll be"

Please crit this and I will crit yours in return.

Sorry, I'm probably too critical. Anyway, good work, but if you change a couple of things, it'll make more sense. Also, somehow the beginnings of all your verses are better than the endings...(at least to me....)

iTim387
10-21-2004, 08:39 PM
Thanks for the crits guys. I did write this very quickly because I just heard the news and it was sort of overwhelming.

In the second verse, I wrote that memories are all that remain because you are remembering the past and you remember memories.

The last line in the chorus I was planning to change anyways because it wasn't very good.

The "No, you're not in command for anymore" is a type. The "for" shouldn't be there. Sorry about that. I edited it.

I think I will change the last line to "you'll be whole". In retrospect, it doesn't really make much sense how it was.

I appreciate you being critical because otherwise I won't end up writing better songs.

iTim387
10-22-2004, 01:22 PM
bump

threemoresteps
10-22-2004, 05:28 PM
am not in poetry but good job (definitly better than m,ine. 8.7/10

BoldasLove
10-22-2004, 05:51 PM
Glad you apreciate the crit. I'll let you know when I post any of my work.

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-22-2004, 07:24 PM
I can hear my heart beating
over the overwhelming silence
I can't comprehend the feeling
thats a part of this experience
It's like a curse over your head
and i know it's hard to face
but someday we'll all be dead
we'll all be in our own place

--this was sort of just a lecture instead of some lyrics. i just felt it was more trying to tell me how its gonna be, not your point of view on the subject. the rhyming was okay, but i couldnt really feel any of the lines, because ive seen them all before.

I'll see you again someday
with all the others that I miss
I'll be with you again someday
to have you back would be my only wish

--okay, so someone died, and now you miss them and want them back... and thats as far as this verse goes, nothing more nothing less. it sort of lets down.

"It's not over yet," you say
but you're holding on to just a splinter
You're counting the days
and you won't see next winter
Every single moment could be the last
you're just trying to stay sane
Forget about now, remember the past
memories are the only things that remain

--a splinter? what? okay the rhyming the first time was okay, but this time it just killed me... i still havent had anything to make me connect to the song yet, its just describing a situation, rather than give me a connection to it.

This disease extends farther than you know
you're dying, but the anxiety is killing me
I'd like it to end, but that's selfish hope
you'd like to leave, but you can't find the key
No, you're not in command anymore
as the mindless matter takes control
pray that God opens the back door
the end is near and you're finally whole

--i dont really agree with what you said, in reference to your song... most of it just seemed, well, odd. this was probably the least painful of the verses though.

it was okay, nothing i could really connect with. too much situational and not enough emotional content, you know?

5/10

Geometric Patterns
10-23-2004, 12:12 AM
I can hear my heart beating
over the overwhelming silence
I can't comprehend the feeling
thats a part of this experience
It's like a curse over your head
and i know it's hard to face
but someday we'll all be dead
we'll all be in our own place

Hmm, these words just seem a little bit forced. Perhaps it's the overused topic. Really, in writing, no topic is overused, but it's the way that you present the idea. Try something a little more eccentric to bring out your thoughts. The rhyming seems immature based on the solemn attitue of the piece. Try to only use one pronoun throughout the piece, too; maybe stick with 'I', it will make the stanza seem a little bit more abstract. Perhaps go into detail about how you put youself into your own place, or just any sort of branch off that general topic.


I'll see you again someday
with all the others that I miss
I'll be with you again someday
to have you back would be my only wish

Ah, the second line really brings this stanza down. I just am not feeling a ton of emotion coming from this piece, it seems lacking in substance. You might have spent a lot of time on this, but when you write you don't want to be focusing on what you think other people will like. To hell with what people think; write what's in your heart. The idea isn't bad, the base is there, just add more personality and life to this.

"It's not over yet," you say
but you're holding on to just a splinter
You're counting the days
and you won't see next winter
Every single moment could be the last
you're just trying to stay sane
Forget about now, remember the past
memories are the only things that remain

I really like the rhyme of 'splinter' and 'winter', but I don't think that 'splinter' fits well. When I read that I imagined, well, a splinter in someone's hand. Not a fragment of a piece of thread, which the image was supposed to conveigh. Again, try to stick with one perspective and/or pronoun in this piece. As I said earlier, I really feel that this piece needs more of yourself injected into it. That being said, the last two lines weren't bad, perhaps make the ending a little bit more subtle for a nice effect. Make the piece slow down, if you can. Not bad though.

This disease extends farther than you know
you're dying, but the anxiety is killing me
I'd like it to end, but that's selfish hope
you'd like to leave, but you can't find the key
No, you're not in command anymore
as the mindless matter takes control
pray that God opens the back door
the end is near and you're finally whole

I enjoy the first line, and the first half of the third. The second's half of the second needs to go. 'killing me' does not flow well, and throws off the entire beginning of this section. The idea behind the fourth line is solid, but the rhyme pattern is way off from the beginning of the piece. And I actually really like the last four lines. The only things I would suggest would be to find a new word for 'matter'. Is this supposed to be a sort of spiritual piece? If so, keep the reference to God in there. Otherwise just metion a higher force, just for the purpose of sounding unbiased. The last line ends the piece nicely.

Not a bad start, just keep plugging away. I hope some of my comments helped you.

iTim387
10-23-2004, 12:19 PM
Thanks everyone for all the help.