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PAID2makeGIRLSpanic
10-21-2004, 02:06 PM
Do me and i'll do you. ;)

It's Not True Love Until It Kills You

This alcohol I'm drinking, counteracts with the way I'm thinking, mingles with the pills I'm taking. Toxic and elaborate, they dance the waltz of the chemicals inside the ball room of my liver. "Let's tear this building apart!"

And the party moved upstairs to my skull in the morning. The pounding beat of my temple resonates throughout my brain, each and every note brings a stab of pain.

Because mushrooms and green leaves make for beautiful scenery, and Jack Daniel is my favorite friend. "There's no one in the world I care for more, I'll die for you..." I said as I rapidly gulped down the contents of Jack's vile bowels, trying to replace my blood with something else. I'm betting on the fact that if I can't bleed I can't feel pain, but it's a win-win situation for me: If it doesn't work I'll die anyways.

So add another tally to that tombstone, as the paramedics retreat from apartment 201 in the morning. They found me lying in the bathtub, alcohol flowing from my wrists.

Such is the result of flirtation and hopeless infatuation. A one-night stand that quickly becomes two to a week. Quitting? Not a fucking chance. I always finish what I start. Always.

There, I'm done.

iTim387
10-21-2004, 03:34 PM
Hmm...most of it I'm not really a fan of it. There are a couple lines that are quite powerful to me.

The pounding beat of my temple resonates throughout my brain, each and every note brings a stab of pain.

That one is really nice. The rhyming is not forced and I understand exactly what you mean.

Such is the result of flirtation and hopeless infatuation

Very powerful line. Well written and concise.

The part about Jack Daniels seemed sort of out of place and it destroyed the flow of the song.

Keep writing. 4/10

Please crit my latest: Take the initiative and kill me

PAID2makeGIRLSpanic
10-21-2004, 08:50 PM
^thanks :) i'll get to your in a bit.

anyone else?

PAID2makeGIRLSpanic
10-22-2004, 01:48 PM
*bump*

espf-250htd06
10-22-2004, 02:05 PM
pretty cool but not really a song or at least i cant hear anybody singing this 6/10 check out my song disbelief

screamo_rocks_101
10-22-2004, 06:26 PM
i like your little picture, i was lookin at it more than your post, then i decided to cover it up. I read it, and i wasnt sure what it was. Not trying to be mean or anything but is this a song or what. It was pretty good, but i didnt know what it was. I think it would work out better as something other than a song.

PAID2makeGIRLSpanic
10-22-2004, 09:06 PM
I never said it was a song guys. It's a prosey sort of shit.

PAID2makeGIRLSpanic
10-23-2004, 09:34 PM
*bump*

idontcarewhatyouthink
10-27-2004, 07:31 PM
I like it has some good strong lines and ryhmes 7/10








Can you please check mine out
its called sharp fangs and burning eyes

Nick13's The Best!!!
10-27-2004, 10:54 PM
the first line is almost an exact replica of MCr's song called: Honey, This Mirror Isn't Big Enough For The Both Of Us. That alone made me think less of your writing skills, but maybe you haven't heard that song so i'll give you a 6/10.

Merkaba
10-28-2004, 02:32 AM
I liked it at first but the fire fizzled when i got to the the third verse. the first line is cool, but the whole "jack is my friend thing is overdone and a bit cliche(which , saying cliche is starting to be cliche, I dont like saying it that much but it is.....too common shall we say) Then you spent another line talking about jack which took away from the clever previous lines.

Then the rest of the verse was the usual kill me stuff.

alcohol flowing from my wrists is good based on the previous line of trying to replace my blood with something else, yes, even if that previous line is part of a lesser attractive verse

And of course the line about infatuation is killer. and helps break the cleverness with some factual data, yet still twisted a bit to fit in.

becoming two to a week is a good line too.

x the line about quitting not a fukin chance. Or just use " quitting, no not even a chance" or something like that...but dont get all highschool rebellious sounding on us. Not a bad job though. 7.5 /10 . I think it could be a 9.0 if it was written a bit more seriously, even with its current jocular tone. Plus its different, and written in a prose style. i guess thats what you'd call it. Good job