The New Christ (Part 2 about Albert Fish)

[Shady Ultima]

If you didn't read part one, here it is: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=254299
As said in that one, Albert Fish is a serial killer who killed and ate children, but he also thought he was the new Christ, which is where this song comes from.

I believe it says
In the holy bible
"Happy is he that taketh
Thy little ones
And dasheth
Their heads against the stones"
Don't you know
God sent me to do this
Castrate and torture little boys
See me covered in blood?

CHORUS
I am the new Christ
Beat myself bloody with nails
Of course this is right
Or an angel would stop me

I'm not insane
I'm God's messenger
Killing children is my life
It's my mission on earth
Have my children beat me
Until I bleed from the pain
How bout I stick pins
Under my fingernails?
It doesn't hurt at all
Pain is not painful

CHORUS

Now strapped in
This electric chair
My eyes water at the idea
Burned by heat more intense
Than any fire to gratify my lust
I'll thank the judge
For my death sentance
And prepare for final pleasure
And I'll love the pain
Final day for the new Christ

[Shady Ultima]

Come on, please crit this song! I really need some crits

[Jezen]

Ohhh I really like this. I dont believe in god or jesus or whatever. Im a satanist, and no I dont believe in any devils or animal sacrifices or whatever. Yeh anyway, great song. Only thing I would try and change is the chorus, I would try and put the first line of the chorus at the end, to make it more powerful. You had a nice powerful ending, I liked that. 8/10 . Can u please take a look at 'Surreal' thanx.

[Permanent Solution]

Strikes me as similar to "Ride the lightning" at some points in the third verse, which is not bad...just commentary. Overall, a lot of this seems similar to something else I have heard...but I can't place it. Some parts are pretty powerful, but with the subject I believe this could be much more powerful than it is. In fact, diction seems the weak point of this piece, because it begs for more succinct vocabulary imo. I thought the chorus had weak flow on top of that. Good start, interesting topic. A little overdone thematically at points but it would not seem like it if you threw in some spectacular words I think, because it wouldn't be as obvious. Anyways, please crit mine here:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=253786

[Shady Ultima]

Thanks for the crits, I think I will rewrite both parts of it because I wrote both rather quickly, just using whatever came into my mind at the time. It is a strong piece IMO, so I'll keep workin on it.

[Permanent Solution]

Sweet, I look forward to reading it. Do me a favor and leave some sorta comment on my piece so I don't have to bump it again? :thumb: