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View Full Version : A New Kind of Pain (crit please)


shyguy1987
10-21-2004, 01:29 PM
I just finished this today, tell me what you think.


My heart feels so empty
I donít know where to go
Love is now a memory
Of unforgotten woes
My redemptionís been rejected
And replaced by glum relief
Nothing seems to mend these wounds
Or this scar of utter grief

Chorus
Counting the raindrops as they fall
Seeking the hero in me to stand tall
Watching the skies for a message to hail
Never made it an option to fail

I never imagined the pain that Iíd feel
Of stupid regrets and misguided zeal
I was never told
That itíd hurt this much
But itís too lateÖ Yes itís too late

Repeat Chorus X2

Crowley5150
10-21-2004, 05:55 PM
I just finished this today, tell me what you think.
Chorus
Counting the raindrops as they fall
Seeking the hero in me to stand tall
Watching the skies for a message to hail
Never made it an option to fail


I quite like the song but I think that the chorus is missing something that hooks you in. Lyrically grabs you and is memorable. Personally I think you should look at the chorus, maybe the closing line, make it something that can burn into someones head, and make that the title of the song. You have a title of the song thats not actually anywhere in the song.

Thats my only criticism - What kind of musical style did you envisage for the song ?



Chris

shyguy1987
10-21-2004, 08:38 PM
I also thought that there was something missing in the chorus but I chose to leave it that way. I'll see if I can add something to it but for now it will stay like that. When I began writing this song I wanted to make it like Linkinpark but it ended up mixing it a little with a band I was listening to on soundclick.com

iTim387
10-21-2004, 08:44 PM
The title of the song doesn't have to be in the song. Many songs I listen to are like that. Listen to Brand New's stuff. Hardly any of their song titles are featured in the songs. I think it's actually better that way sometimes.

Anyways, I like the first verse, but I don't care for the chorus. What to raindrops have to do with the rest of the song? The last line is weird too.

6/10 Keep working.

Crowley5150
10-21-2004, 08:53 PM
The title of the song doesn't have to be in the song. Many songs I listen to are like that. Listen to Brand New's stuff. Hardly any of their song titles are featured in the songs. I think it's actually better that way sometimes.


Well, whats the purpose of writing music. To be a good blend of artistic integrity, and to also be memorable to people out there in the public.

How popular is the Brand New's stuff out there. Who have heard of them outside of core fans base ?


I mean, radio play doesnt simply mean the crap you hear on robbiewilliamsFM or anything, theres commercial and theres corporatewhorecommercial. If someone hears your music somewhere and they like it, they are more likely to be able to find it by asking around if the title of the song is actually IN the song.

Just my opinion tho.


Chris

shyguy1987
10-21-2004, 09:30 PM
Well with the two first songs I wrote I put the title of the song into the song. But for this one I felt it was appropriate to just make up a title and not use it in the song.

For the chorus, I put the raindrops because this song is about me being rejected by a girl that I felt strongly about. She felt the same way about me but her feelings suddenly dissapeard out of nowhere. When I found out I became very depressed and "Counting the raindrops as they fall" is something that just seemed like would fit in just right. I just thought it was something that one might find themselves doing at a time like that. Everything else in the lyrics is exact about how I felt or the things I would do like "Seeking the hero in me to stand tall, Watching the skies for a message to hail" is somethings i found myself doing over and over again. How do you think I could improve the song anymore, I am very open to criticism as long as it isn't flaming?

Jezen
10-21-2004, 10:17 PM
Yeh I really liked it its just the chorus doesnt really stand out from the rest of the song, it doesnt really grasp your attention. But overall, nice. 6.8/10. Can u plz crit 'Surreal' ty.

shyguy1987
10-25-2004, 10:23 AM
Bump

shyguy1987
10-26-2004, 06:37 AM
Anyone???

Thechristianslovetheirguns
10-26-2004, 02:59 PM
great chorus...very good indeed... but i gotta say the verses are very weak... and the theme of the song also dissapointed me cause i expected something more with a title like that...

you got a nice chorus just work on the verses a bit more and i think it'll turn into a good lyric...

6.5/10

could you crit mine?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=5221602&posted=1#post5221602