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View Full Version : "Cicada Intercourse" crits, would help...


Sade
10-20-2004, 08:43 PM
Crossing a feminist name, with a liberalist view
Never thought Id share the same bed as you.

This luck has concealed these emeritus fields.

Trampled will be these herds,
Torn between them all, jocks the punks and nerds.
Lost in the tenacity of the bastards and the rest
Just another helpless child everyone can molest.

This luck has concealed these emeritus fields.

I cross homophobia with a nazi cult jew
Guess you never thought your teacher would run you through.

Destroyed will be this eye,
Obstructed by XTC, and another instruments of high.
Torn between the nerve, and those who will attain
This death disease of belligerence, and myself who can sustain.

**** bugs.

For my jazz/funk fusion band. Wierd music-I will tell you that much. I'm back to a ryhme scheme, tear it to shreds. Go.

Permanent Solution
10-20-2004, 08:58 PM
Crossing a feminist name, with a liberalist view
Never thought Id share the same bed as you.
---Obscure, and kinda out there, but interesting, pretty decent start.

This luck has concealed these emeritus fields.
---Not a great stand alone line, but not too weak either, I still have no idea what this is about.

Trampled will be these herds,
Torn between them all, jocks the punks and nerds.
Lost in the temerity of the bastards and the rest
Just another helpless child everyone can molest.
---English in that first line is iffy, good flow, rhyming. Meaning is more clear, best part thus far.

This luck has concealed these emeritus fields.

I cross homophobia with a nazi cult jew
Guess you never thought your teacher would run you through.
---Interesting imagery...no idea how it relates, your writing is beyond me lol :)

Destroyed will be this eye,
Obstructed by THC, and another instruments of high.
Torn between the nerve, and those who will attain
This death disease of belligerence, and myself who can sustain.
---First two lines' English is meh, solid flow and rhyming again. These are my favorite parts.

**** bugs.
---? I am lost :/

Check mine out if you would be so kind? :)

Sade
10-20-2004, 10:26 PM
Yeah, it's a combonation of alot of stuff, sensical english isn't supposed to be included. Theres really nothing else that fits the style of music, that I could enjoy writing, anyways.

espf-250htd06
10-23-2004, 03:54 PM
iam not deep enough for this thanks for the crit by the way but what is this song about i know iam new and not enough in to song writting but just speel it out for me cause it seems cool lol cya lata

Permanent Solution
10-24-2004, 05:40 PM
/me begs for crit here:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=255479
It has none...so I am going back and finding people who "owe" me crits...pitiful? probably...oh well...

Bexi
10-24-2004, 06:20 PM
I do think it's abit much for me in parts...like i feel really small against thise big words images and so on. You have such a style aboutyour stuff..like an absolute random genius crossed with scarlet undertones...then huge massive highlighst of wild wild almost unimaginable pictures....

I feel more in awe than than i can relate...but that is only a good thing cos it spins me out...abit like one day..one day..i'm goign to feel the vibe..til then ...it;'s gonna buzz round me

Geometric Patterns
10-24-2004, 07:39 PM
Crossing a feminist name, with a liberalist view
Never thought Id share the same bed as you.

This is neat--the flow is really smooth. I like what it is saying about people and their provinciality. It's beginning to turn into an epidemic, sadly. But excellent opening.

This luck has concealed these emeritus fields.

This, these, that, and the other. I'd take out This if I were you, it makes this sentence more emphatic. Mm. Emeritus Fields. Superb. Haha, a familiar word, I have to agree that it is a good word though. What a great description, the diction goes along wonderfully with the entire tone of this piece. Amazing--I love this part.

Trampled will be these herds,
Torn between them all, jocks the punks and nerds.
Lost in the tenacity of the bastards and the rest
Just another helpless child everyone can molest.

Oooh, wacky syntax--Excellent. I really like the first line. It's neat to see how just switching around one or two words in a sentence can change the meaning so much. The message is great here, the tone really brings to life the idea of the huddled masses being pulled into many direction, but at the same time it also makes you feel that they deserve it for not having much a of a strong will.

I actually like the abstractness of it, it's more flashy and interesting. The fourth line is looking weaker than the rest, but everything else is fantastic.



I cross homophobia with a nazi cult jew
Guess you never thought your teacher would run you through.

Not bad, I just personally am not a fan of the 'nazi cult jew' part. It doesn't offend me or anything--I really just don't like seeing that in poetry, though it really isn't my choice what you say in a poem. I dont think it's fair for me to analyze that based on my personal preferences though, because everyone thinks differently. Though the last line is good, and it does connect well with the first. Maybe just find a new way of phrasing that first line, because it could come off as offensive.


Destroyed will be this eye,
Obstructed by XTC, and another instruments of high.
Torn between the nerve, and those who will attain
This death disease of belligerence, and myself who can sustain.

Brilliant. It almost is like 'I will destroy', just flipped. Like the second stanza, I think it was. The first half of the second line I love. Might be my favorite part here. The second half is a little bit weak, but it fits with the topic. The song is winding down, almost as if you're coming off of a high. I'm not a bit fan of another, though. instruments on high is just burning into my head, adds a little bit of satire, haha. But I really do like that idea there. I love the ending. Strong, pointed, and even a little bit enigmatic, which is very cool. The one think I'm not too keen on is death disease; it just seems...too focused on the death part, and not the belligerence part. Take out one of the words, and it will switch the emphasis to the rest of the line, which will make the ending just slap you in the face.

**** bugs.

Slap.

Excellent, as usual. Reading this was a pleasure.