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View Full Version : Trenches, crit and ill crit back


A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-20-2004, 08:08 PM
Ben Stivers
10/20/04

Trenches

Our hearts beat in tune,
They pulse the rhythms of the room.
We steal the days but
I cannot steal your heart away...

Forever is closer than ever before,
My spirits drop to the floor.
Begins the openings of my wounds.

Never before has something felt so unsure,
Your heartbeat drops to the floor.
Begins the openings of your wounds.

Our hearts beat in tune,
They strike a chord inside the room.
We waste the nights but
I cannot wait until the light.

Forever is closer than ever before,
My spirits drop to the floor.
Begins the openings of my wounds.

Never has something felt so obscure,
Your heartbeat drops to the floor.
Begins the openings of your wounds.

The openings of our wounds
We bandage shredded hopes.

We bandage all our wounds,
We bandage our shredded hopes.

The openings of our wounds
We bandage shredded hopes.

We bandage all our wounds,
We bandage our shredded hopes.

Forever is closer than ever before,
My spirits drop to the floor.
Begins the openings of my wounds.

Never has something felt so obscure,
Your heartbeat drops to the floor.
Begins the openings of your wounds.

We bandage shredded hopes.

StormX
10-20-2004, 10:55 PM
I really like that, very well done. The only thing is the part

The openings of our wounds
We bandage shredded hopes.

We bandage all our wounds,
We bandage our shredded hopes.

The openings of our wounds
We bandage shredded hopes.

We bandage all our wounds,
We bandage our shredded hopes.

gets a little repetitve to me. 8.5/10

A_Perfect_Sonnet
10-21-2004, 02:07 PM
itd be broken up by music

thedeadwalk!
10-21-2004, 03:41 PM
We steal the days but
I cannot steal your heart away... - good lines

other than that, everything else is pretty generic. the wounds, the use of night and light. the forever line is pretty good, just need to compound on it, don't get the feeling for what it is. 5.5/10.